I know I haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry; I've been pretty busy and when I'm not busy, I've been lazy.
Peter Pan is going well. We've only flown Peter Pan into a window once. Don't worry, there wasn't any glass involved. He just crashed into a styrofoam frame, made it crack a bit, and otherwise everything was okay. The set didn't roll into the audience and Peter Pan wasn't hurt. It was funny afterwards, especially since James (Peter Pan) covered so well. Anyways, that's been the only incident. We now have all our cues worked out and the performances are about the best they can be. They're lots of fun, though awfully time consuming. On Saturdays I wake-up, go to the play, perform, and then hang-out in the green room with all the actors and eat pizza until it's time for our next performance. After that I go home and read a book or something and then go to bed. Very long days, very exhausting. Hopefully we won't have pizza again this Saturday; I heard a rumor that we might be having sandwiches, but we'll see.
My doctors appointments didn't quite go like I wanted them to. There was good news, but there was also a revelation that I wasn't ready for.
The good news is that the cancer is still reacting to the chemo and it hasn't visibly spread anywhere else. Other good news includes me not having to take oxaliplatin in my next treatments. That means I won't be cold sensitive and super nauseous through the holidays.
My revelation was that surgery is in fact not in my future. I thought there was a glimmer of hope that it was, but it's not. Surgery is for people who are getting better. I'm not getting better. Though I'm not currently getting worse, my health is not improving either. I knew my cancer had a slim survival rate, but I thought there was still a chance of getting rid of it. Not necessarily curing it, but maybe removing all the cancerous tissue and having all my bone re-calcify. I guess not. The news was like a slap to the face. All the doctors before seemed to imply that I might live out a normal life and everyone said this was just a detour. It's not a detour; this is the road I'm stuck with and it's bumpy and it will end in five or eight years at most. The chemo isn't treating my cancer; it's just stabilizing it. And one day it just won't be able to control it anymore and I'll be done. I can't have surgery to get rid of it because there is just too much of it in my liver and where it is at in my hip is an impossible place to have surgery done. Everyone had made it sound like the cancer in my hip was the least of my problems, but it's not. And they had made it sound like there was a chance of me getting rid of it in my liver through surgery, but that's not likely either.
So that's what I learned this last Friday. Not really what I wanted to hear, but that's life for you.
Just so I don't like to much of a pessimist, in other good news:
I'm done with my college courses this week. I have one more test and a final left and then I'll be done.
I recently found that my old clogging teacher is teaching classes in Zumbrota, so I'll get to start clogging with other people again if I can make it to classes.
The lack of oxaliplatin in my chemo is leaving me with an appetite and the ability to eat chilled foods, so I'm gaining weight.
Christmas break is in a couple weeks for my friends, so I'll get to see all of them soon.
I don't know if I'll be celebrating Christmas this year. My faith has been steadily crumbling the last few months and Friday's news definitely moved that deterioration along. I'll probably get a few comments on that; I know my mom is worried. I just don't know what to think. People have told me that having cancer will make you stronger and that God only chooses those who can endure it. To me, it seems true to those that have treatable cancers, like leukemia. But what about everyone else? "Cancer makes you stronger for the last five years you have left to live? The last five years of a life that was just starting out. That was just about to go out and make something of itself." How lame does that sound? It doesn't seem like there really is a God. If he really loved his children, he wouldn't let them get cancer. Or he'd at least come and give you a hug when you need one. And no, it's not good enough to get them through other people. That's lame too.
Yeah, I'm probably attacking the religion of almost everyone who reads this blog and probably am getting quite a few gasps. I'm sorry. That's just what I'm feeling right now.
I didn't mean to end this post on an angry note, but that's how it's going to be. Tough cookies.
~Cheryl
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25 comments:
Never give up hope. There's always a chance, Cheryl.
i don't know what to say Cheryl. i feel for you tremendously. But you are strong, I know you won't let this drag you down. Just want to let you know I love you and I'm praying for you always.
Helen
We are all here for you Cheryl, I'll never give up hope on you.
I know I don't know you as well as other people, but you are my fellow monkey and friend and you can always come to me in a time of need.
In the meantime, I am going to second that comment and say never give up hope.
I'm so very sorry. Don,t give up hope. Anger is a nornal reaction to the this terrable news, anger with God is also normal. Your faith will return stonger then it has ever been. In the next 5 years, there will be new and better treatment; Don't lose hope, continue to fight. I will continue to pay for you. Aunt Nicky
Cheryl: I saw your mom on Friday and she told me about this latest news.
I really feel that although this is what the doctors think now, there are still treatments and medicines coming and you are young and this is not a common thing for people your age, so I continue to hold onto hope.
As for your faith. I have always felt that God gave us the gift of life and this earth. In my opinion he or she is not a micromanager. I don't think people on shows like the Amazing Race win because they pray to God. I still believe in life after death as our salvation whether or not we struggle in life as you and your family are now. You certainly are bearing your burden well.
I know a little girl who was recently murdered by her father in a very violent manner. I hope that although God didn't answer her prayers as she fought to live, he took her into his arms to comfort her in death.
You who fight cancer are my heroes. Continue to fight and to hope.
Cheryl, I'm sorry to hear that you did not get the news we were all hoping for, but don't give up now. You've fought so hard for this long, and I know that it hasn't been easy for you. Remember, you are not in this alone...you have your entire family to fall back on. We will always be here for you. As far as everything with questioning your faith, I completely understand where you are coming from. I know that I struggled with this when you were first diagnosed this summer...its hard to believe that God could throw something this big at anyone, especially someone who's life is just beginning. Its ok to be angry, just don't let it consume you. Don't lose hope, miracles do happen. I know its hard, but try to stay positive. A positive attitude is as important as anything else in your treatment. Keep fighting, don't give up hope...you CAN get through this!
love, Beth
Cheryl, Every day is precious. Some just realize it soon than others. Fight the good fight and know (as shown by these comments) that on the days you don't think you can go forward, those around you (seen and unseen, human and divine) will help you.
Cheryl,
You need to remember that what the medical doctors are telling you is just their "opinion." Check out this web site: http://thehawc.com/
She is a homeopathic doctor in Hudson, WI and has cured cancer naturally. Read Kevin Trudeau's book "Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About." Eat only organic and fresh, unproccessed food. Go on a juice fast. Detoxify. Bounce on a trampoline 10 minutes a day. Drink 8 glasses of pure water a day. Get sunshine daily. Walk one hour per day. See Dr. James Lovett of Lovett Chiropractic in Rochester. Get more opinions from naturapathic or homeopathic doctors, herbalogists, chiropractors, etc. Go to the internet and look up natural cancer cures. There are many more options than chemo, radiation and surgury. I am begging you to look into things beyond what the medical doctors are telling you. You are too smart, young and willing to live to accept what their opinion is about your illness. You have your youth and the ability to fight and question what they are telling you on your side.
Micki Anderson
Cheryl,
I'm sorry you have to go through this, its not fair and you have every right to be angry. If you need to scream, or hit something, or cry, or whatever helps, DO IT!! Then remember that no one else can tell you how to feel or what to do in this situation,there isn't a right way or a wrong way to live your life, because it is yours and no one elses. As for faith, it is a journey, sometimes you are on the hiway zooming along, and sometimes you are on a rocky path, but God is still there when you are ready. None of us can fix how you are feeling right now, but we are all here for you and love you!! Ben's Mama
Cheryl... I was shocked to hear the latest news. At first I didn't really know what to say. But now I think I do.
Cheryl the hardships in life make us who we are... It is in bearing those hardships and fighting with all our might against the unfairness of it all that we can gain relief. I know you have somewhat lost faith in God, all I can say to that is that maybe don't think of God as something that takes part and arranges every part of your life, but rather simply as a comforting thing that you know will be there in the end to comfort you. I know that it is hard to have anyfaith and if you choose not to have a faith, that is okay too. All you can do is live each day to the fullest, do the things you have always wanted to do. I'm sure any of your friends would help as much as possible to help you acomplish those things. Finally, I know I am not always around to help you but you are always in my thoughts and the thoughts of my family... please don't give up because some doctors tell you to... remember that the strength to live lies in all of us, it is finding it that is the hard part. I love you Cheryl.... if you ever need me give me a call...
Kelby
"Failure isn't about being down, it's about staying down."
As long as you have strength to fight, Treezy, you have a chance. Do not get down.
Strange things have happened to people with cancer. New treatments are coming out all the time. See if you can get into a clinical trial for something.
Much love,
Fatman
Whether you believe in God or not, I think you live your life the same way. To the fullest. If you believe in God, you are living life to celebrate what she gave you. If you don't believe in God, you are living life because you only get one shot at it, and it seems a shame to waste it.
And if it turns out that you live until you're 99, you're not going to regret doing it well.
I hope you enjoy every single day.
There is nobody who won't forgive you for being angry right now, especially God. You have more right to be angry than anyone I know. The only surprising (amazing) thing is how positively you've handled every challenge to date. You're a stronger person than most.
Seems like there have to be two goals: Enjoy life as much as you can, and hang on for the next miracle, whether it be medical or divine, who's to say. Both of these mean you can't let despair take the place of determination.
There's a quote I'm looking for and can't find, I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt. Basically, it said, 'when you find yourself in the middle of hell, keep walking.' Because, really, what else is there to do? I guess that's where faith comes in.
April H
Cheryl,
I'm a friend of Vicki M, your mom's friend. Go ahead be angry at God, tell him what you think, even swear at him if it helps. He is big enough to handle it. Know that many people you don't know are praying for you every day.
Sandy Bryant
Cheryl,
Your anger is normal just like everyone says. Please don't feel bad that you are angry.... Jesus is real and he can heal you. Just read about his life in Matt, Mark, Luke and John etc... There are several instances througout his ministry here on earth that he healed people or performed other miracles - like feeding the multitudes with two loaves and three fishes. Then his deciples picked up 12 baskets full of food remnants. Also Cheryl I want to tell you what happened to me.... I know first hand about the power of prayer... When I was about 20 years old and I was living in Boise Idaho. I went to a Church in Nampa with my sister. One day, I went forward for prayer because of a hernia. I didn't have any money for an operation and no health insurance - it had gotten so bad that by pushing it in the protruding intestine muscle wouldn't stay anymore and it hurt. So, I decided to go forward and ask for healing. I went to Pastor Huit and told him what was wrong and he prayed with me - then I was healed - the pain and hernia were gone. I was so relieved and greatful!
Please don't give up Cheryl, instead- take the time to read the gospels and get to know the God you are upset with. I say this because in His word you'll find the answers to your questions. You can look in a concordance for words like: healing, faith, miracles etc.. The concordance tells you where in the bible these words are and you'll be able to research them easier.
I'm glad you have a network of friends and family that are there for you Cheryl.
Love and Prayers,
Janice Schlaeppi
(your cousin Bart's wife)
Cheryl,
I know that I don't know you as well as many people, but I want you to know that you are my hero. You have remained so strong for this long, and I know that I never could have made it this far. Just remember that you have friends and family who will always love you and support you. You can beat this, Cheryl. We all know you can.
Hayley Anna Erickson
Cheryl,
I know that we don't know eachother very well, but if there is one thing that I do know it's that you will be in my thoughts. Stay strong, your going to get through this.
Love, Tom
Cheryl,
I am always here for you if you want to talk. I know faith is something hard to deal with, but God has a plan for all of us, and even if we question it, we figure it out in the end. I'm trying to find some video clips that are really funny so you can stay positive and beat this. No luck yet, maybe I can just get a tape of corey doing stupid things. E-mail me and tell me how the play went also. LUV YA!
Jenanananana
..well i cant say that this news didnt almost bring me to tears..because it did. Cheryl, we all love you, all the drama monkeys, and we all know you can make it through. you just have to stay strong, have hope, and think positively, and things will look brighter. maybe not now, but give it time, everything takes time.
i love you, and you are constantly in my thoughts.
Love,
Tori Anne
I don't know what to say.....Peter Pan flew into a window? It was probably the windex. That crap will get you every time! Just a couple weeks ago I saw a dog run head first into a glass door, and it was the funniest thing I've seen in a while. The dog even stumbled around in a daze to add to my amusement. I think it's funny when people do the same thing and leave face prints, because there is just no cool way to recover.
Oh, don't let that cancer crap get to you. I've seen you make grown men cry (Little) and I know you're though enough to make it through!
Good luck with the rest of Peter Pan!
-Corey
Cheryl,
There are people who think of us and we never knew their presence in our spiritual lives (e.g., aquaintances of one time meetings, people who may have heard through the proverbial grape vine or people who in some obtuse way know of our existence). I believe they can be angels in our midst. Those people can have a powerful prayer presence to help carry us through tough times.
As the poem of Footprints in the Sand says, there are times that God is carrying us and right now I believe that he is carrying you and eventually there will be side-by-side prints again.
Please continue to live each day to the fullest as you have been doing in recent months.
Miracles can and do happen ~
Dear Cheryl,
I LOVE YOU!
I think that sums up what I wanted to say. I'm sending you infinite hugs.
love, Oz.
This is a link to a an Australian "health retreat" that treats cancer (and other horrid diseases like MS) with natural therapies (RELAXATION!!)
http://www.gawler.org
The Overview/History is worth a read. Ian Gawler was a well-known Aussie athlete who lost his leg to bone cancer. He started up our first Cancer Support Group - there's lots of good info on the site.
The place itself is in the Yarra Valley, which is a beautiful part of Victoria.
Come and visit! You need a holiday and I need someone to play piano/whistle/glockenspiel etc with. :)
Hey Cheryl. Getting news like that sucks something awful. I can't even imagine what that would be like. But have hope, my dad had a co-worker with stage 4 ovarian cancer, and that one's REALLY nasty. They gave her about a month (or something else really slim), told her they'd try and stabilize it, but get her affairs in order. That was a year and a half ago. All her scans are now clean, and she's gone back to work and everything. It was VERY slim, but it happened. Just know that I'm pulling for you.
Your old Knowledge Bowl Teammate, Emily
I love you cheryl!!! and i know you'll get through this because like corey said, you can make grown men cry... you'll just get angry at the cancer and then it will get scared and run away... but just remember we all love you and we're praying for you everyday!!!
love
Jessi
Hey Cheryl, how are you doing? I've been thinking, you know how fast technology is moving these days, there will be other treatments out there, other ways of killing this cancer, if you or God doesn't do it before that! I have faith in you, you are the strongest person I know, and you've taken it so well for so long. Those doctors don't know what they're talking about, they don't know you well enough. Heck you could probably make them cry too : ) Just remember that you're the one who's in charge, not the annoying little cancer cells, you are bigger than them afterall ; ) Keep positive okay, just because they tell you this doesn't mean it's set in stone, you can keep you life going the way you want it. I love you, and I'm praying for you always.
~Helen
-forever your Igor
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