And did you notice the snow...

Good evening, America!

Okay, so my blog isn't really that popular, but I thought it could use a new and inventive introduction for this post.

I guess I haven't posted in a while, so I'll probably forget lots of details that I could have added to this post. Oh well; the post will still probably end up getting too long anyways.

First, in medical news...

I have completed my radiation therapy. I'm glad to be done with it. It was a nuisance going in to the Clinic everyday; however, the staff was great- I didn't have that evil nurse at all. Instead I had three really nice ladies who were social and made the whole process stress free. Oh, I timed how long the treatment actually is and I was zapped with radiation for about one minute every day: the machine shot me from above and below for thirty seconds each. Maybe I shouldn't use the words "shot" or "zapped": that makes it sound like it was painful. I think the right word would be "buzzed": The machine buzzed at me for a minute everyday. Then again, I don't think it was the machine, I think it was the "Energize" signal light that made the noise. Or not. I don't know. "Energize"- hehe, like Star Trek: "Beam me up, Scottie..."

Another little update:
We met with Dr. Pitot and asked him about surgery on my femoral head. He said we had to meet with Dr. Simms and get some X-rays/CT-scans on March 7 and the official date of surgery would be scheduled from there.

In the world of sports...

The Dover-Eyota wrestling team has made it to State! Wooooo! Go D-E!! It was pretty much one of the awesome-est wins ever. About half way through the match against Zumbrota-Mazeppa we all knew that our team would win. Very exciting. So this weekend (which starts Wednesday for most Dover-Eyotans), I will be heading up to St. Paul and the Excel Energy Center to cheer on the team. Yayayayayay! Hope the hotel has a pool 'cause I'm bringing my swimming gear this time!

And now for the weather...

In case you haven't noticed, it's snowing out there... a lot!! I was amazed at how much snow just appeared out of nowhere. Wow. The worst part about it though was the power failure that claimed our house last night at 7:30 p.m. and lasted until very late this afternoon. That meant no lights, no Internet, no television, and...*gasp*...no hot showers!! For those of you who don't know me well, a hot shower in the morning is my equivalent to a cup of coffee. I cannot fully function until I have had a hot shower, much like most adults cannot function until they have had their daily dose of caffeine via coffee beans. Thankfully, the roads were plowed well enough to allow my mother and I to escape to my aunt and uncle's house, where I gratefully accepted a hot shower and warm breakfast...and chocolate cake. For those of you who are wondering what happened to my dad and brother, they frolicked off to a Wild hockey game and left Mom and I to a electricity-deprived house. =P

Well, it's starting to get dark now and I think Zoe (my dog) wants some attention since she's been in her kennel all day. At least the temperature is still reasonable. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"All for one and one for all..."

Hola!

Today I finally gave in and switched to the new Blogger system. Actually, I had no choice in the matter. It wouldn't let me post until I switched and signed up for a Google account. Good thing it was free, or I would not have been happy in the least. I guess there are supposed to be tons of cool new features, but I really haven't noticed any of them. The only thing that looks different to me is some of the layout when you sign in.

This last weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in a while. I went up to St. Paul and stayed at a hotel with some of my friends. It was awesome. Friday I went to the Mall of America with Ann and had a fabulous time shopping. Then on Saturday Ann, Connor, and I went on a mini road trip and kidnapped Laura and Jaselyn from Northwestern and St. Ben's University. We got back to our hotel room, ordered pizza, went swimming, and visited until the wee hours of the morning. I had a blast and must say I was reluctant to go home on Sunday. Hopefully I'll see everyone again during their spring breaks and we can plan something fun then.

Okay, now I must tell you the story of "The Radiation-Therapy Marks and the Swimming Pool." Dun-dun-dunnn!! =P

It all started with my trip to St. Paul. I decided not to pack my swimming suit so I would not be tempted to go swimming when I got to the hotel. I told myself I would be strong of will and resist temptation. Then Friday evening, Ann made the suggestion that we could roll up our pant-legs and sit with our legs in the hot tub. This was a splendid idea seeing as Minnesota is currently suffering from freezing temperatures and toes have the tendency to reflect said weather. So we rolled up our jeans and dangled our legs in the hot tub. At first this was satisfactory since the hot tub was, as its name states, very hot. But then my subconscious started to whisper to me, "Get in the water. Who cares about losing the radiation marks...?" At first I refused to listen, but I soon found myself hunched over and walking around the edge of the hot tub with my legs and arms trailing in the water like a crazy person. By this time my subconscious was screaming at me to sit in the hot tub, but I made it through the night without fulling submerging myself in chlorine-treated water and completely ruining my jeans. Saturday rolled around and now Jaselyn and Laura were in our company. At the hotel, the suggestion was made again about dangling our legs in the hot tub. My subconscious started nagging at me and I began to believe what it said: "It's okay to get in the water...The radiation people will never know that it was swimming that made the marks disappear...It only takes ten minutes to re-mark anyways...Start looking for sacrificial clothes to go swimming in...!" And then I snapped. I told everyone I was going swimming. I layered medical tape over my radiation marks and frantically started searching my bags for something to wear in the swimming pool. Everyone joined me in the search since Ann was the only one who had brought an actual swimsuit. The end result was all of us jumping into the swimming pool with a mix-match of clothing that we had lent to each other. We had tons of fun soaking in the hot tub and swimming in the pool, especially since we had it all to ourselves.


Ann, Connor, Jase, me, and Laura ready to go swimming.

Like I said before, Sunday I came home. I peeled off the layers of tape I had put over my radiation marks since having so much tape made my legs itch. Luckily, the multiple layers of tape had preserved the ink that had soaked into the first layer of tape. Getting the tape wet had caused the ink to bleed onto my skin, so when I took the tape off there were still faint marks on my leg. Then, I did the unthinkable: I re-traced the radiation marks with a Sharpie marker. They had told me not to. They had thought me too incompetent to do it. But I did it anyways. And guess what? They didn't even say anything about it when I had my first treatment yesterday! They actually said the marks looked good!! It's a dang good thing I went swimming this weekend or I would have been fuming with regret. That just goes to prove that if you ever get the itch to go swimming, you should just do it. Wow, that sounds like a Nike commercial...

I guess you might be interested in the actual process of my first radiation treatment. Well, it went like this: I got there, checked in, waited, changed into a gown, laid on a hard table, had my marks lined-up with lasers, got an X-ray, the radiation machine buzzed and zapped me for about a minute from above, I felt nothing- it was just like having an X-ray, the radiation machine rotated to go underneath me, I got zapped from underneath for another fraction of a minute, had another X-ray, and then I was done. The whole thing took less than ten minutes and was completely pain free. I repeat this whole procedure everyday this week; the only difference being that I won't have X-rays done daily, so the process will take about five minutes instead of ten. It almost feels like a waste of time since it's so short, but whatever. I guess it's going to help a bit, so I'll go along with it.

As you have probably noticed, there is a unique banner at the top of my blog. Though it looks like it could be an ad for an upcoming movie, it is actually for the book that is being published by my high school drama director, Mr. Little. I had mentioned before that his book was scheduled to be released June or July, but now it's scheduled to be in stores this spring. I hope everyone will take a minute of their time to visit Mr. Little's website to learn more about his book. All you have to do is click on the banner and it will route you to his page.

Well, I have to go eat lunch and get ready for treatment. That's really all the news I have anyways.

Until another day,
Cheryl

"To hear her sing, to see her dance..."

Hey-yo.

Today I had my simulation stuff to set up for my radiation therapy. It wasn't all that exciting. They brought me back to a waiting room, had me change into a gown, and then led me to a room with a "live X-ray machine." I had to lay on a hard table for about ten minutes while they used the X-ray machine and a bunch of laser lights to get me ligned up and marked me with marker so that when I come back Monday they can just lign me up again and start the radiation.

I don't know whether I really won the war against getting the tattoos. I came in and told them I would carry a marker with me everywhere and would remark myself any time the marks they made began to fade, but this one nurse growled at me that I couldn't do that. She said I might not get the marks in the right place. I still didn't get the tattoos because I was ready to go in to a panic attack if they pushed the issue, but I was mad that she had insulted my intelligence. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of tracing a couple of "X's" made with Sharpie marker. Grr. So now I have five "X's" drawn on my hip and sides that have some special tape put over them to prevent them from washing off; however, I can't go swimming like I planned to this weekend. I mentioned swimming at my appointment and the mean nurse's eyes nearly popped out of her head. Oh, well. I guess I can sacrifice swimming so that I don't have to get five evil dot tattoos.

The only other event of my day was going to band and choir. Choir was alright. I think I've come down with a bit of something, so my throat was sore and my voice wasn't at its best. Band was fun; our pieces are starting to come together.

Since my last few posts were rather long, I'll keep this one shorter.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Whenever you're down & out, the only way is up..."

Hola.

I just realized I've been pretty slack with my online calendar. Oops. Well, I think everyone is pretty well informed about what my daily schedule is via my blog posts, so I hope no one is too disappointed about me not keeping the calendar up-to-date.

There has been enough interesting happenings in my past four days that I thought I would update again.

The first happening was on Friday night, some hours after I had posted my last post. Greg blew-up our Pontiac Bonneville. Mom and I were sitting around watching TV when we heard a rather loud noise from the garage. I thought it was Greg slamming the side door shut as he left for the Snoball dance. Mom didn't tell me what she thought it was, but two minutes after the "Poof/Boom!" Greg walks in and tells me, "I killed Bonny." I thought he had maybe run over some animal of the neighborhood that had been named "Bonny," but he rephrased and said he had killed my car. Oh, by the way, Greg was not hurt- thought maybe I should mention that. =P I wasn't too upset over the loss of the Bonneville since it had not been running well recently and it always seemed to be heat deprived anyways. We're having it towed sometime this week and we're getting a few hundred bucks out of the arrangement, so it's not a total loss. If you want details about what all happened with the explosion, you'll have to talk to my dad or Greg. All I know is that something blew-up under the hood; I'm definitely not a technical auto-person.

Ok, on to my second happening. I went to Barnes & Noble and, surprisingly, I could not find a book. That's right. Barnes & Noble has failed me. Or maybe my favorite authors have failed me. I've already plowed through the couple of new books that have been released amongst the several authors I enjoy. All I can say is: "Let's go, Diane Duane! Let's get 'A Wizard of Mars' on the shelves!"

Third happening: The Super Bowl. My dad made a pleasant buffet of Super Bowl munchies and we sat, ate, and watched the Super Bowl. The commercials were very disappointing. I feel sorry for all those companies that wasted 2.5 million dollars to play their pathetic commercials during the Super Bowl. The only commercials that really stood out in my mind was the one with the mouse (Was it Blockbuster or Best Buy? I don't know, something with a blue and yellow logo) and the one with the lonely white dog who got splattered with mud and got to ride with the Budweiser dalmation. Otherwise, dumb commercials. The Super Bowl itself was about as entertaining as any other football game on television, which isn't very entertaining. The half-time show was alright, though I had to wonder what was up with Prince deciding to wear a head-scarf. It looked silly.

Then it was Monday already and I had to get up early for blood tests and chemo. I am now down to taking only Leucovorin and 5-FU since Oxaliplatin is evil and I can't be on Avastin for six weeks prior to surgery. Anyways, happening number four occurred after I was done with my infusion at the chemo ward. I was waiting in the pick-up area on ground level, waiting for my mom to pull up, when two guys came walking up. I swear they were members of the mob. Really! They both had fancy pin-stripe jackets and tucked-in neck scarves, dark hair and goatees, and the older of the two even had a fedora on! Picture perfect Italian mobster men. I almost laughed out loud. They were so stereotypical looking. I should have taken a picture of them. Oh, well. =D

So now it's Tuesday. I'm on the pump still and will be de-accessing myself tomorrow; this treatment has been going well- haven't been sick or feeling too tired. Today I had an appointment with a radiologist to see whether it was worth having radiation therapy on my femur prior to surgery. Well, my final happening was while Mom and I were waiting in the doctor's office. I was trying to balance my crutch and get it to stand upright. Mom said I couldn't do it. This was a dare. She said I could not accomplish it, so, of course, I had to prove her wrong. Three minutes later I had that crutch standing in the middle of the room all by itself. Boo-ya! I had accomplished the impossible! I began my victory dance and at that time Dr. Petersen (my radiologist) decided to walk in. There I was, not having met this woman before, dancing around like a crazy person. All I could do was point at my crutch and exclaim, "I got it to balance! She said I couldn't do it, but I did!" Luckily, Dr. Petersen is a nice lady and she just laughed and we started the appointment. Before I end this paragraph and explain the contents of my appointment, if you don't believe that I got the crutch to balance, the next time you see me just ask about it and I can show you pictures that I took of it on my cell phone. =D

Right, about radiation. Dr. Petersen filled me in about what would be going on since she thought that radiation might be useful in helping to prevent a fracture prior to my surgery.

Oh, let me state something quick: I do not have a date set up for surgery. I just know it will be coming up in the near future (beginning of March if Dr. Pitot gets his way- earlier if my hip surgeon tramples over the top of Pitot's opinion).

One more something: I was weighed today. With my coat and my pump, I weigh 119 pounds! Woooo! I'm thinking my coat/pump together can't weigh more than four pounds, so, at the least, I weigh around 115 pounds. Happiness. =D

Hmm, maybe I should just do a numbered list to explain things:
1. Radiation (how it works): photons will be shot at a precise location via a machine. The machine is set so that it doesn't target the skin cells it first passes through, so the bone is the bit that will be receiving the direct treatment. Other areas may be exposed to a few photons, but there are no freaky, dangerous side effects.
2. Pain: There is none. It's like getting an X-ray. I lay on a hard table and get radiation shot at my femur. I hold really still for those fifteen minutes (I get help from "immobilization devices"- which are basically cushions that are molded to the shape of my body) and then I'm done for the day.
3. Side effects: I might get a little tired, but that's nothing new since I get a little tired from chemo- so I can handle that. Radiation might screw-up my monthlies: they're already screwed-up from chemo, so that doesn't matter. It might weaken the bone that is being exposed to radiation: I'll be having that chopped off in a month, so that doesn't matter either. The skin might get a little pink where they're shooting me with radiation, but that probably won't happen since I'm not getting enough rounds of radiation for the skin to get irritated. Basically, I won't feel too many of the side effects. The whole treatment will be pretty painless.
4. The Treatment: I'm scheduled for 10 days of radiation. I start next week, which means I will be at the Charleton building Monday through Friday for at least fifteen minutes everyday. Then I get the weekend off and the next Monday I start the whole thing over again. After that, I'm done. Yay!

Tomorrow I have another appointment with Dr. Petersen. Basically, she's going to show me where I'll be going everyday to get ready for treatment, the machines they use, probably get my "immobilization devices" made up- if I need any, and mark the spot on me where they need to shoot the radiation at. Oh, guess what? They think they're going to give me a tattoo. It would just be a little dot, they say. My reply to that is: "You only think you're going to give me a tattoo. I will mark myself everyday with a marker so that you won't have to give me a tattoo." Blech. I don't want a little remembrance-dot on me. They even have a picture of them giving the tattoo to somebody in the brochure! Yucky. Plus, if it's the size of a freckle, how the heck are they supposed to find it again on me? I have so many moles and little freckles all over me that they'll be hard pressed to tell if the dot is natural or dye. Meh. I'm just obstinate when it comes to medical procedures that involve needles. They're lucky I've gotten over shots and having my port accessed.

Well, I guess that's about it. Oh, wait: It's official that I'm not going to Florida with RCTC, though Chuck (band/choir director) is still trying to convince me to go. I really would like to go, but I'm scared something will accidentally happen and I'll be separated from the group and rushed to some hospital that I know nothing about and will have no way to get in contact with the group again. Scary.

I've made it to band once this week. It was fun; I like band. Tomorrow I should be able to go to band and choir, though I think I've missed too many choir practices to sing at the next concert. Oh well; it's still fun to attend practices. Even my radiation appointments will be scheduled so I can go to band and choir. Yay for helpful scheduling staff!

Okay. I can't think of anything else. I'm sure I'll post again soon with updates about what I think of radiation and what I've been up to in general.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Kick my brains 'round the floor..."

Meh.

I forewarn you now: this post is just more grumbling. I am in a very grumbly mood today.

It all started very early this morning...very early....like 12 a.m. I wasn't sleeping well. Everything ached, especially my right leg. You know how they tell you not to put any weight on your leg and to be careful? Well, I've decided the only result of that is that you start moving around funny and probably make the movements more painful than they have to be since you're trying to be careful.

Anyways, I hurt. Finally, I went and told Mom that I felt like crud. So she gives me lots of drugs (anti-pain and anti-muscle stiffness, then eventually a Dayquil since it seemed I was developing a cold). After the medications, I'm in pain and my thoughts are all jumbled. All I want is sleep, but my leg is cramping and I keep feeling worse and worse.

Eventually I get up because I feel sick to my stomach. I don't throw-up, but I gag- which is not the least bit fun. You probably didn't want to know that, but the detail must be included to emphasize the crumminess of my day.

I pathetically crawl back into bed and the rest of my day is a confused jumble of sleeping, trying to lay in a way that won't make anything hurt, and being told I have to eat something.

Oh yeah, about mid-afternoon it is discovered that I'm running a low grade fever. By now it has escalated into a full-out fever and I'm bouncing between a high 100 and a low 101.

I feel like crud. I had already figured my day was not going to be the most pleasant, but this was just the icing on the cake. I missed band/choir and I still don't know if RCTC is going to Florida or not and if I can sell my spot to someone else.

Now I'm lying on the couch, eating Valentine's Day M&M's like they were pieces of cereal and sipping on a bottle of water.

I really need to shower. I smell icky. And I don't have my contacts in and I'm not the most fond of wearing my glasses all day.

I think I'm going to go shower. Maybe it'll help clear my head and relax my leg and other aches.

Sorry if you just read all my grumbliness. I just figured, "Why not just complain about your illness to family when you can let everyone know how disappointing your day has been?"

So, yeah, that's it.

I hope your day has been more pleasant than mine. Oh, and I apologize to anyone who tried to call me or see me today and was turned down. It's not that I didn't want to see/talk with you, my brain just wasn't put together enough and I smelled too bad to comfortably visit with anyone.

Ok, now that's it.

I'm gonna go shower.

TGIF, right?

~Cheryl

"Don't Cry Out Loud..."

I had started a post earlier this morning, but I temporarily lost internet connection and I had to leave for an appointment. That post was pretty enthusiastic, but my attitude has drastically changed over the course of the day. I guess this post will reflect that.

My day started with me getting up earlier than normal, getting breakfast, showering, and just bumming around. Actually, I was in a pretty decent mood since today I was scheduled for an MRI that would finally reveal what has been causing the pain in my hip, which I will now explain:

Earlier, in December, I had pain in my lower, right hip- more precisely in the socket area. Well, at the time, I believed it to be a pulled groin muscle. But the pain persisted and soon it was after Christmas and I was in the E.R. for severe cramping in my right thigh and the continued pain from my hip. X-rays were taken and it was determined to be just-a-muscle-thing. My chemo resumed after Christmas break and we related the story of my leg pain to Dr. Pitot. He also thought it was a just-a-muscle-thing. However, he later reviewed my previous CT-scans, which showed something funky in my femur head/socket area. He thought it might be AVN, which I don't really even know what that is, but it would have been caused by steroids I didn't know I had been taking. He decided that my chemo would proceed as normal and I would eventually get an X-ray of it when I got back from Florida or somewhere in that time frame.

Now back to today's explanation:

So my leg had been hurting and I have been walking around with a limp. Behind my back, Mom calls Dr. Pitot. Pitot decides that it is time for an MRI. I'm slightly excited because I have never had an MRI before and the machines of modern science fascinate me. I limp to my MRI, have the procedure done (that machine makes very interesting sounds), and afterwards I am told I can no longer walk and need a wheelchair. This slightly disturbs me. What disturbs me more is the fact that my 4 pm appointment with Dr. Pitot has been moved up to right after my MRI, which took place around noon. I'm wheeled to the tenth floor and Dad and I visit with Dr. Pitot.

As luck would have it, or maybe doesn't have it, the problem with my hip turned out to be more cancer, a cancer that is resistant to the chemotherapy treatments I've been having and that has devoured 70% of my femoral head on the right side.

I'm not allowed to put weight on that leg anymore. The options for treatment are:
1) Go with surgery right away to have the ball of my ball-and-socket removed and replaced with an artificial one as soon as the Avastin (chemo drug) has worn out of my system (which takes about six weeks to flush out of the body)
Pros) My leg won't fracture and cause more problems
Recovery time is fast: a couple of weeks
Cons) I'll be going down to Florida with a crutch/cane. Meh.
The whole surgery thing freaks me out.
I'll get another scar.
2) Use radiation therapy in hopes that it will be somewhat effective in re-calcifying the bone in my hip until the time when I have surgery/bone breaks.
Pros) It might help re-calcify my leg
Cons) It'll probably do nothing and my leg will eventually break
I'll still need surgery
I'll still get a scar
I'll still be going down to Florida with a crutch/cane
3) Do nothing
Pros) I'll continue with the chemo treatment I'm on, which seems to be effective in treating the rest of my cancer
Cons) My leg will break and it will be super painful
Surgery will not be half as tidy as it could have been
There will still be a scar
I'll still need to use a crutch/cane in Florida

As you can see, a lot of this revolves around how it will affect my Florida trip. I really don't want to go down there with a crutch/cane. There's no way I could keep up with the rest of the kids and do all the same activities. Plus, there's the risk that my femur will fracture while I'm down there, which would not be all that pleasant.

I'm really nervous about surgery. It scares me. But at least it's not dealing with major organs. Just bones. Just like it was just-a-muscle-thing and it was just constipation...Argh! What is it with people!? They've misdiagnosed me every time in relation to my cancer. First they thought it was constipation, which turned out to be colorectal carcinoma in an eighteen year old girl. Now it is just-a-muscle-thing that turns out to be colorectal carcinoma in a form that isn't responding to my current chemotherapy. Splendid. I'm glad I've won the freak lottery that keeps taking me down roads I never expected to be on. Not.

There's a poem that says all the things cancer can supposedly not do: "Cancer cannot silence courage, Cancer cannot corrode faith, Cancer cannot shatter hope..."
Let me tell you what: It can.
It stole away my first year at college and starting a new and exciting life. It stole my future. It stole away my dreams of being an old, crazy cat-lady with my best friend. And now it is stealing away from me something as simple as being able to go out dancing and running around with friends. What more could it take from me!? My life? Pfft. I'm already living without a purpose. I wake up every morning and there's nothing I have to do. I wake up just to go back to sleep most days. The life of luxury for some, a constant torment for others.

I'm always told about things I could join in. I could help with the high school musical, stay with band/choir at RCTC, tutor little kids or help with their classes at the elementary. But I don't feel like I belong; I know people are just letting me join in because they feel sorry for me. It's so stupid, and I know I'm full of self-pity, but I would give anything just to have to wake up early in order to go to class and take a test. I just want to be normal again. And I know there's no real definition of "normal," but I would love to be close to the stereotypical version, instead of some medical freak. I want to be able to move again without pain. I want to be able to wake up and not be screaming in my head that I can't wake up from this nightmare no matter how hard I try...

Well, dinner is ready and I don't feel like saying anymore. It'll just be more wallowing and you probably don't want to hear it.

"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings..."

~Cheryl