"I keep thinking, 'When does it end?'..."

Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. Pitot and what I heard was disappointing:

The procedure Wednesday did get the stent in the right spot, however, there was more blockage than had been expected. Dr. Pitot says the smaller ducts, located above the stent, are an awful mass of cancer and blockage that cannot be easily drained of bile by inserting a bunch of tiny stents.

It all means I'm down to my final options: stop chemotherapy and just focus on pain management or try mixing drugs I have had in the past to form a new chemo treatment.

I decided on that latter. My first treatment was yesterday afternoon. I received an hour-long infusion of Panitumumab. Panitumumab is essentially the same as the acne-causing Erbitux. We had considered adding Oxaliplatin to the mix as well, but we would need lots of time to prepare for it since the last time I had Oxaliplatin I had an allergic reaction. There’s the possibility that I could react quite badly were I to have it a second time: it’d be like someone with a severe bee allergy being stung. Avastin, Leucovrin, and 5-FU are other chemo possibilities, but Dr. Pitot was giving me the impression that there won’t be any benefits from taking them.

I don’t know. It’s hard making these decisions, and frustrating. My mind is split as to whether I should give-up or keep fighting.

The majority of me says I can’t sit around and do nothing until I fade away. I guess that’s why I decided to keep going with chemo. After all, the drug I’m on doesn't hurt or make me nauseous. Pitot has informed me that there will come a point where my body will be too unhealthy to handle any chemo at all, so I might as keep trying chemical treatment until I can’t tolerate it anymore.

Another reason for continuing with chemo is the hope that it will help with pain in my side. We’re pretty sure it’s the lining of my liver becoming inflamed again. It really, really hurts; both my right side and near my diaphragm tighten unbearably so that it hurts to breathe. I’ve been taking lots of pain drugs to help it hurt less. The problem with this is how tired the drugs make me. I end up just lounging around in a stupor all day. It’s taken me about an hour and a half just to get this far on this post since I’ve been drifting between sleeping, watching television, and editing all the silly typos I keep putting in this draft.

Some other news...

On Sunday, I went to the Southeast Minnesota Honor Choirs concert. It was a very nice concert and one of my friends even had a solo.

Claire is sleeping here beside me and snoring quite loudly.

Okay, there we go. Some happy news. =)

~Cheryl

P.S. More information about Panitumumab can be found here: http://www.chemocare.com/bio/panitumumab.asp

"Not a Day Goes By" from the musical Merrily We Roll Along

"Then you know Jack Frost is here..."

Hello.

Well, my procedure went well on Wednesday; however, it seemed like I was waiting forever before we finally got started.

My family arrived at the clinic around 11 a.m. and I changed into a gown and shorts. Then we sat around until the nurses could find someone to access my port; I was happily surprised I could receive sedation through my port since I had once been told that sedation could only be injected through a different vein. After being accessed, I was wheeled to another room, where I waited some more. It's very true what they say about the clinic: "You hurry to wait."

Some time after 2 p.m., I was taken to the room where the procedure was going to be done. I met the doctor and nurses, who were all very nice people. I'm glad I got their team to do my procedure. They promised I would be sedated enough not to remember or feel anything and that one of the members of the team was solely in charge of making sure I stayed comfortable.

I woke up some time later and spent the rest of the day in a fog: I definitely did not remember anything of the procedure. The doctor came and told my family that everything had gone well, though it took longer to sedate me than they had expected. The blockage in my bile duct was low enough that a single stent was put in to drain the blocked bile. Good news. The doctor also went over what to expect the next couple of days and signs to watch for that could mean trouble. Basically, any excruciating pain around my pancreas and a fever would be bad signs. Things to be expected were: extra gas from shoving the scope down my throat, causing discomfort from bloating and such.

Thursday was a lot like the end of Wednesday: I slept. I was very groggy and my only desire was to sleep. There was definitely some discomfort from gas, so it helped to get up and walk around a bit so I would burp. My back also hurt a lot: I was forced to lay on my stomach through the procedure and it put strain on a part of my back that has not been stretched out in a long time.

Friday rolled around and I was still sleepy. Part of this was due to pain killers, though. The tight feeling was very uncomfortable and my back still hurt some. Eventually, I started to feel better and braved going to the mall with Mom. I think walking around helped my back and the tightness. I was tired after the trip, but it was worth it because I got some new shirts and felt the best I had in the last couple of days.

Now it's Saturday. I have a bad stitch in my side, which is worrying me. The last time I had pain like this was because the lining of my liver was inflamed from missing a chemo treatment. I'm hoping when we meet with Dr. Pitot on Monday that we get a new chemo treatment figured out that will help take care of the pain and maybe even help slow things again. Based on my track record, though, it's not looking like that's going to happen.

We found my digital camera and got it charged, so here are the promised pictures of my blooming orchids. The purple laelia (top) had two additional flowers, but they've wilted already. This is the third time my white phalaenopsis (bottom) has bloomed for me. When these flowers wilt away, I'm going to have to cut down the stem so that the plant doesn't tire itself out blooming too frequently.












And that would be all the news I have.

I can't believe how much it snowed today! Right on the first of December too. It is a shame that it was really icy too. =(

~Cheryl

Theme from Jack Frost by Rankin & Bass

Update Meant for Yesterday- Sorry...

Hey.

Well, life has gotten pretty eventful lately and an update is needed.

I had a good Thanksgiving. I went to my grandparents' house, ate lots of good food, and watched a movie with my family. It was a fun time.

During the break, Greg and my friends all got to come home. Greg was hunting with Dad for a few days over the break, so I didn't see him much then, but I got to chill and visit with him still since he had a longer break than most people. My friends and I went to see the movie August Rush and hang-out afterwards last Wednesday. I liked the movie and seeing friends that go to school farther away is wonderful. I can't wait until the holiday break to see everyone again.

I'm trying to remember if anything else exciting has happened before Thanksgiving since I last posted, but I can't think of anything. So moving on...

I had not been feeling well for the last couple of weeks, and this last Saturday I started running a temperature. It got high enough that the oncologist on call for the weekend said I should go to the emergency room. What I thought was going to be a short visit, however, snowballed into quite an event:

I got to the emergency room at 8:30 in the morning. We checked in right away and I went back to have my blood pressure, heart beat, and temperature measured. We found my heart beat was very fast and my blood pressure was really low: I was really, really dehydrated. They immediately hooked me up to an IV with a humungous needle (at least two inches long) and accessed my port and began giving me bags of fluids. Blood tests and cultures were taken. Then I got moved to intensive care. It was not fun. I was there forever, waiting. I had to wait for a CT-scan, which showed that bile ducts in my liver are clogged with tumor. I also had to wait to have an ultra-sound to confirm what the CT-scan showed. We waited for results. We waited for everything. We waited for the "Okay" to go home. It didn't come. They told me I was being moved to the intensive care unit at Methodist, where I had to spend the night. I was so miserable. I hated being wired to everything and bedridden. I hated that they connected me to the machines and fed the wires through the top of a gown that wouldn't snap shut anyways so that I was forced to lie exposed to the world. I hated that they wouldn't let me eat and the only thing I had eaten that day was two pieces of toast. I hated that results were so slow in coming and that no one seemed to be making clear decisions because they thought that other people were responsible for making them.

It was late Sunday morning when I finally met with an oncology team who gave us the real scoop:

Like I said, my bile ducts are clogged in my liver and are not draining properly into my intestine. This means that I have to have a procedure done where they shove a scope down my throat, through my stomach and pancreas, and then back up through my intestine and into the ducts of my liver, where they will insert a metal stent to force the ducts open so they can drain. The other option is having a tube come out through my skin and drain into a bag. I'm having the first option done this Wednesday. Hopefully the clogged section is in the lower part of the ducts so that the stent can easily be inserted and work properly. If it's not, I may be stuck with the second option.

So I got this news from the oncology team. Then they told me I was going to have to stay another day in the hospital. I said, "No." I was not staying there another day. I thought I was going crazy being stuck there. So my parents and I put up a fight and I got to go home. We stressed the fact that Greg was home and that I wanted to be with him more before he went back to Iowa. The head oncologist of the team took pity on me, seeing how upset I was, and decided that quality of life was also important to my health and that my parents are involved enough in my life that he knew they would bring me back if anything started to go wrong again: he said I could go home against all better judgment.

So that's my weekend. It sucked. I'm scared about the procedure. I worry that the new chemo is not working. I don't know what's going to happen or how long things will keep going "well." I don't feel I'm in control of anything. Everything is a mess. =(

The only good thing I can think to report is that my orchids are still blooming and it looks like my Odontoglossom orchid will also be blooming within the next couple of weeks. I plan to get pictures up as soon I can find my little digital camera and charge its battery.

Band at RCTC isn't as exciting because our Christmas concert is within a couple of weeks. This means we're basically playing the same music as last year and it's all easy.

I'm too far behind in photography for it to be fun. I never finished my song assignment, haven't started my portraits assignment, and have no plan for the final assignment. I'm going to e-mail my professor and let her know everything has been too chaotic for me to keep up and not to expect anything more to be handed in from me.

I'll try to post later this week to let you know how everything went Wednesday and if any new plans have been determined.

~Cheryl

"More to do than can ever be done..."

Hi.

Well, this week has been an interesting one thus far.

Monday I had chemo and it took forever and a day to get done with. I got there 7:30 a.m. for my blood test and had to wait over two hours to get the results because they had to manually count my white blood cells since my counts were too low for the machine to count them. So we finally got the results back for that and Pitot decided I'd still have chemo that day. We dropped my dosage of CPT-11 and continued on with the rest of the treatment. I finally got to go home around 3:00 p.m. I was not happy. Luckily my hip X-ray had been rescheduled; I would have been doubly upset if they had still made me get a stupid X-ray after having chemo all day.

Tuesday afternoon I had photography. We watched a video on surrealist photographers and I was not impressed. I do not see how a photograph of a mutated turkey nailed to a board is supposed to express anything besides a strange fascination with the disgusting, but that's just me. After the movie I sat in the lab for a little while and watched the other half of the class that was having a studio hour. Whatever they were doing looked complicated and I get to learn how to do that today (at least I get to if I can get my film developed in the hour before class).

After photography I went home and took a nap. I had planned to go shopping with Mom, but I felt sluggish and thought sleeping sounded better. So I napped and then my family and I got ready to go see the Lion King musical at the Orpheum theatre in the Cities.

I don't even know where to begin to tell you about this musical. It was amazing. The costumes and effects were so cool. If you've seen the Lion King movie before, you know it starts with the song "Circle of Life." Well, the first part of the song says, "There's far too much to take in here," and as we sat watching the start of the musical, that was a very true statement. They had life-sized costumes of elephants and rhinos walking down the aisles toward the stage, which was full of people dressed as zebras, cheetahs, and antelope.

The sets were something else too. They literally rose out of the base of the stage or somehow would "magically" appear for the next scene. I say "magically" because the sets were so huge I have no idea where they had room to put them all back stage and how they managed to move them on and off so fluidly.

The best actor for this musical was easily the lady who played the baboon Rafiki. Oh my goodness, she was amazing. She would stand up there and jabber away and you could hear all the guttural stops (those clicking noises that are common in African languages) as she went along. Her singing voice also trumped the rest of the cast; you could definitely tell when she was or wasn't part of an ensemble. The adult Nala also had a wonderful voice. Her feature song, "Shadowland," was spectacular and as soon as I heard it I knew she was easily going to overpower the adult Simba's voice when they sang "Can You Feel the Love Tonight."

So that was my exciting Tuesday. I got to see a musical I have wanted to see since I was a little kid and I am very happy that I finally got the chance to.

Now on to Wednesday...

It kinda stunk really. Well, I guess it wasn't too bad. I had to shoot my roll of film for photography, which wasn't so bad, but I felt crummy that day- don't know why. My little scene I was shooting was difficult to light; thank goodness my dad was so helpful in finding lights and moving them downstairs for me. We finally got the lighting all figured out and I started shooting my roll of film. Halfway through, the camera opened for no apparent reason. I didn't press the button on the bottom and the back of the camera had been snapped shut. I lost my roll of film to light exposure and was quite upset that I had to start over again. Luckily I finished my second roll without incident and I'm hoping the pictures turn out well today.

That was the interesting part of my day, I guess. In the evening Mom and I watched the red carpet show for the CMA's and then watched the Mythbusters blow-up a water heater, which was really cool.

Now today I have photography and before class I have to rush in there and develop my film so that I can participate in the studio. I'm horrible at getting stuff done on time. Developing film just bothers me. It's boring and cold and dark. I've tried to listen to my MP3 player while I work on film, but it always claims its battery is dead when I turn it on. Stupid technology.

I guess that's about it. I still have to organize my stuff before I head in to RCTC, so I think I'll go do that.

~Cheryl

"Circle of Life"- Lion King

"I wanna touch the earth, I wanna break it in my hands..."

Hi.

So after three days of not showering, I decided it was about time for me to bathe or something. I guess it ended-up being an "or something," because the result was me sitting in the bathtub for a good half hour, absorbing a dilute solution of Skin So Soft and hot water. Upon emerging from my stew, I reached these conclusions: the smell of Skin So Soft does not really remind me of a woodland fragrance, my head is less itchy than it was before, and my feet are shedding their skin as if they were part snake. The rest of me does not exactly feel soft as kind-a oily, but I've decided to let the oils soak in for a while longer to see if improves the overall condition of my rather dry skin. If it does not, I'll rinse off with normal water later tonight and continue on with my regular skin regime.

My stomach feels gross. This is due to having chemo yesterday. It was not a fun day. We got there at 8 a.m. for blood tests, had to wait until 10 a.m. to meet with Dr. Pitot, and then wait until 12 p.m. to finally begin chemotherapy. This week was a long treatment week so we did not leave the Clinic until at least 5 p.m. I was tired, cranky, and felt like crawling into a hole and never coming out again. This is what we learned from Dr. Pitot: nothing. Surprise, surprise. He said it is good the pain in my liver is gone and that the liver counts found via my earlier blood draw were not conclusive to deciding if my current chemotherapy is actually doing anything. So, basically, we have learned nothing new and probably paid a couple hundred dollars to learn information I could have told you a couple weeks ago. Oh, we did find that I'm losing weight; I weigh about 108 pounds and Dr. Pitot says I should not be drinking water but lots of juices for the calories. Oh well.

I was supposed to have photography today, but the class was cancelled. This is good because the rest of the class was going to be taking a test, while I waited until they were done, and then we were all going to learn about portrait photographs. So I would have sat there for a half an hour with my sore stomach and then tried to learn something. It wouldn't have been good. Like I said, I'm glad class was cancelled for today.

I pretty much have my next assignment figured out. A few lighting adjustments and making the final decision for what will be included in the photos and I should be set to start shooting the film. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but the song I decided on was "Incomplete" by Fish.

Preggie pops are good. They're supposed to be for pregnant people, but they work well for chemo people too. They are like giant, sour Jolly Ranchers that make my stomach feel a little better.

I still feel dead skin flaking off of me. Gross. But Dad says I smell better. That is a good thing. I do not like to smell.

I hung-out with both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles this weekend. On one side we were celebrating birthdays and on the other side we were splitting wood for the upcoming winter. Well, they were splitting wood: I stayed inside and monitored the Gopher's football game and took a nap. What can I say, I was just doing my part. =P

I went to Panera with my friend Laura on Sunday for brunch. It was delightful. We visited and munched on bagels. Afterwards, we went to Savers to find stuff for me to smash for my photography assignment. Good times. =)

The lights for my fluorescent gardening light have finally arrived. Dad hung the unit on my wall and my orchids seem to be thriving in the additional light. Actually, I can't really tell if they're thriving. Their leaves are turning a lighter shade of green, which is good, and none of them seem to be getting sunburned, which is also good. My one phalaenopsis, Princess, is beginning to bloom. It doesn't have a full splay, but it has a couple of nice blossoms at the end of one stalk. The thing you must know about Princess is that she is a resilient bloomer. She will literally put out new blooms until she dies because she has not put enough energy into vital things, such as growing roots and leaves. So after these two blossoms die away, I'm cutting her stalks off to force her to concentrate on those things before I re-pot her. Another orchid, a Miltassia that I have not named, is also deciding to bloom. Again, it does not have a full splay of blooms, but I'm impressed it decided to bloom at all since that stalk had looked like it was going to die. Maybe I should name the plant Trooper, since that's what it seems to be. My hibiscus is finally starting to like me. I have had this plant for quite a while and it seemed to be at its happiest when it was at my grandparents' house in Zumbrota, not under my care. While living here, its leaves are droopy and it always looks sad. I tried moving it into the window to give it more light and it just shot me the suicidal glare later that day for getting it too cold. So, in an act of frustration, I said, "Fine! You're going to my room and you're gonna sit on the floor and be stuck with this fake light from the lamp just like everybody else." I check on it later that day and its leaves are reaching for the ceiling and it is practically singing with happiness. Obviously, it liked the temperature and light in my room. Who knew? So my tropical plants are good. The vine, leafy plant, and kalanchoe my boyfriend gave me for my birthday, on the other hand, I think would like to be adopted until I can learn to properly care for them. Advice on their care would be appreciated. =)

So that's enough garden talk.

Recently Claire and Zoe got new toys to play with. You're supposed to stick treats inside of them and the dogs must figure out how to get the treats out. It's rather entertaining to watch. Zoe cheats and has you hold the ball for her so she can lick the treats out and Claire has a blast throwing her ball around and looking to see if any of the treats fell out. We have to watch them while they play, however, since Claire does not like to share. She's such a brat.

And now you know...

the rest of the story.

~Cheryl

"Cowboy Take Me Away"-Dixie Chicks

"And heaven and nature sing..."

Hallelujah!

My photography assignment is done!! Albeit, my negatives and prints were not done on the recommended due dates, but they were completed this morning an hour before class, then critiqued by the class and our professor, and handed in on time!! Yay!

Wow. I feel lots better. That assignment has been bothering me a lot, so it's nice to have it done. But, alas, the next assignment has already been assigned, but this one looks like it will be more fun. The assignment is to have three prints off a roll of film shot to represent a song that you get to pick. I guess the problem is deciding what song to use! I don't know if I want to do something funny or more serious. All I do know is that it will not involve trees or outside. My last three rolls have been of woodsy, outside-ness, so I'm done with that, unless the cool look of frost draws me outside...but then I hate the cold... I think I want to do something really dramatic with lighting and pick out a song no one has heard before, probably something by Fish. But who knows; I have a little time to think about it before I have to get going on shooting the film.

Yesterday I had my weekly chemo treatment, no Avastin this time. For once, we got all the anti-nauseous drugs given to me at the right time and in the right order. Thank goodness. My stomach still wasn't great, but it was a lot better than what it could have been. While at the Clinic I watched TV until they gave me Benadryl and I was pulled into a drugged sleep. After chemo, I came home, ate a little, fell asleep, woke up, felt like crap, watched a little more TV, and went to bed...then had to wake up early for photography.

I'm feeling better now and have lots of different thoughts going through my head about my new photography assignment. I'm starting to see a glass table under spotlight with broken odd-bobs on it...

Anyways, the rest of the week I have band, which should be fun. The saxophone section is easily the best. =P I'm enjoying our songs too; we have a good variety.

Umm, what else...

I'm eating way too many Milky Ways...

This last weekend I worked on my recent photography assignment, read a book, hung-out with Ben (2 year dating anniversary- Woo!), and went to Sekapps with Dad. Oh, Sunday Mom and I went to Nelson to buy cheese. We also drove down the road a ways to the park with the swans, however, there was not a swan in sight, so that was a little disappointing. It was still a fun trip. It reminded me that I want to make a visit to Larks Toys sometime. Guess that's for another weekend adventure.

Thanks to everyone who has offered help with my photography assignments: I appreciate it. Also, to everyone who has made me a prayer shawl, thanks a ton! They are very nice to have around the house as the weather cools off.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Joy to the World"- Traditional

Stomach rolling to much to figure out a clever title...

Good afternoon.

Right now I'm sitting in the chemo ward on Gonda 10 having chemo...again. I just finished my Avastin infusion a couple minutes ago and now I'm receiving an anti-nauseous infusion to prepare me for CPT-11. I can't say that it's helping much. My stomach has been rolling all morning since I had time to fret about coming here after I woke up. The goal had been to get up early and head to RCTC so I could develop a roll of film. That didn't happen, however, since I decided I can finish everything I need to get done tomorrow after class.

Saturday provided the only nice day this week for me to finish my film for my photography assignment. Half the assignment was about taking a picture of a place under two different light settings. I had a problem with that since the light outside hasn't been too variable for the past ten days. But Saturday there was sun, so I finished that half of the picture taking and then added my element that "changes the meaning of the place" to meet all the requirements of the assignment. I decided to gather every umbrella we owned (which is a lot of umbrellas) and set them on the ground beneath the trees in our yard. I'm not quite sure how seven or so umbrellas changes the meaning of a wooded space, but at least it looked cool. While I had all the umbrellas sitting out, a couple of Boy Scouts came up our drive to sell popcorn; they probably thought I was insane because it was nice and sunny and I was running around in a jacket and taking weird pictures of umbrellas. =P

My face rather hurts from the new chemo drug, Erbitux. The acne rash annoys me: there is no compromise between trying to treat the acne and keep my face moisturized. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure the rash has spread to the rest of my head, which makes my head sore in an itchy way. I had been given a prescription to help the acne, and therefore reduce the pain, but after a few days of taking it, I started getting sick to my stomach. At first Mom and I had no clue why I was getting sick: Was it the flu? Something I ate? A bad combo of drugs? We didn't know until we finally read the back of the informational sheet about the acne medication and found its side effects included nausea and vomiting. So I stopped taking it: bad acne is better than the type of sore stomach the medicine gave me. It wasn't only the side effects of the drug that bothered me, but how finicky it was too. I couldn't take food with it and actually was supposed to avoid food for two or three hours before and after I took it. This is a really dumb requirement when chemo has switched you from eating regular meals to grazing throughout the day. I guess we'll have to figure out something else to help with the acne.

Greg came home this weekend. It was fun having him home. On Saturday we drove to Eyota in his Ford Mustang, one last cruise before it gets put away for the winter. It was fun to just drive around for a little while and hang-out.

Meh. My stomach is really starting to hurt, so I'm going to cut this post short.

Hope everyone has a good week.

~Cheryl

"Forgive me if I slip away..."

Today has been rather a "blah" day. I'm behind on my photography assignment and I don't know when I'll get it done. I can't decide what best would meet my assignment's requirements and the weather has not cooperated with me so that I could possibly take pictures outside. I had chemo again yesterday. I don't like having chemo every week; it doesn't give me a break. I guess I mentally need the break more than I physically do. Going to the clinic so often bothers me, especially when I have to be there really early and don't get out of there until the evening- a whole day of chemo and appointments. Yuck.

I guess the good news is I'm getting the promised rash from the new chemo drug, Erbitux. I know I didn't/don't want the rash- it itches, is unsightly, and promised to get worse- but having it is a sign that the drug is doing something. Other good news is the pain in my liver is gone, another sign the chemo is helping somewhat. Pitot has greatly reduced the amount of CPT-11 I'm getting, so I only feel nauseous the day I am infused, which I appreciate.

This last Friday I went to St. Ben's with some of my friends to see a play another friend was in. It was fun and the play was good. We all got to visit once the play was over, which was easily the best part of the trip.

I guess that's been the highlight of my week thus far.

I don't have anything else to report. I don't think I have anything exciting coming up either- chemo again next Monday is the only planned thing.

Oh, I went to Barnes & Noble with Mom Sunday to buy some CD's. I got the Hairspray soundtrack and Josh Groban's album Awake. Groban's CD is amazing if you appreciate a singer with an awesome vocal range and a wonderful, full tone to his voice. I guess you don't have to mind that half the album is in Italian either.

Greg is coming home this weekend too. I can't wait to see him; I miss him a lot.

Okay, that's all I really have to say.

~Cheryl

"February Song"- Josh Groban

"So be strong tonight, remember who you are..."

Hi.

It has taken me a while to get this post up because I have been considering whether I wanted to reply to a comment on my last post.

I guess I would like to say a few things. The first is that I never said that God doesn't care. I said that I believed He did not care that we sinned, or was concerned that we sinned. I probably worded it poorly, but that is what I meant to say. So to repeat that: God cares, just not about little things, like sinning.

Another thing I wanted to say was that it bothered me that the comment was anonymous. It is like saying, "I will publicly announce my faith, but I will not sign my name to it because I don't have to since the majority shares my opinion." I sign my name to my public statements of faith, so I don't know why others won't do the same if they feel they need to contradict me.

The last analogy the commenter used really saddened me also. It related to the whole reason I had been mad at God before: I was mad because this whole mess seemed to be God's fault. I am diseased because of His "Master Plan." The analogy that a mother immunizes her baby and knows the temporary pain is for the better is like saying that because of God's "Master Plan," I have to be sick: It is "for the better" that I have cancer.

Well, if that is the case, then it is "for the better" that my recent chemotherapy has not been working, and possibly has not slowed the progression of my cancer at all. It will be "for the better" that I will be dead by December. I will die on some cold, winter day, because the pain of my disease, inflicted by God, will have taken over my body and taken me away from everybody I love. I will never dance or run again, but at least I'm part of God's stupid, stupid "Plan." I will never see spring again, or get married and have kids, or see my boyfriend graduate from high school or my brother from college. I will never have experienced college life. I won't see the next generation of my family, or even be a part of it. If this is like an immunization from God, then I'd rather face the disease of Life and not be a part of His "Master Plan."

I am sorry to attack the anonymous commenter, but this is how I feel. I edit and read through a post at least four or five times before I publish it on this blog because I want to be careful that I don't tread on people's feelings in any way. But it saddens me that people do not seem to do me the same courtesy when they comment on my posts.

On my other blog, I posted that I had come to peace with God and that I believe it is in no way His fault that I have cancer. The anonymous comment on this blog contradicted my belief and put the blame back on God, which made me angry, sad, and confused all over again.

I am so scared and I know people want to reassure me, but please consider that I may not share your exact beliefs and in your attempt at reassuring me, you are causing hurt.

The best blessing I have ever heard has come from the wonderful Pastor Mark. I attended a camp with him last year, and during that week every camper was shared this blessing: God loves and cares about you. It is such a simple phrase, but it sums it all up and leaves lots of room for an individual to grow and form their own specific beliefs. Thanks, Mark.

I guess I will end my rant there and fill you in with what's been going on.

I have had numerous scans within the last few weeks and they have shown that the cancer is steadily progressing. The frail condition my right femur was in earlier this year is now the condition my left femur is in. I was radiated last week, not only on my tailbone, but on my left femur as well. It was in no way fun because I did not have the great team of radiologists I usually have and I always had to lay in an uncomfortable position for at least twenty minutes while I was treated. Now I have to worry about my femur fracturing again, so I have ordered a light-weight walking stick to help me get around and take stress off my leg. The only benefit I have gotten out radiation is the relief of the pain in my hip, which was whole point of having radiation. So, mission accomplished, I guess.

I was not actually shown my last CT-scan, but I was told by Dr. Pitot that the chemo was not doing much of anything and that he is greatly concerned about the condition of my liver. We cancelled my chemo appointment for last Friday because there is no point in hurrying to get in for treatment. Pitot told me this is the point where I decide whether it is worth trying the last resort of treatment or give-up. It was a very long appointment, to say the least, with lots of tears from everyone- even Pitot's eyes were getting pretty red.

So this is what I have been facing: Start a weekly treatment of low dosages of the extremely nauseating CPT-11 and another drug that will give me a rash that makes me look like a leper or stop treatment all together and let nature take its course. Pitot has said this chemo treatment would probably have very little affect, if any. I have to decide whether the side effects are worth it or not.

And I have talked it over with my family and friends, and I have decided it is not in me to give up and I will fight until there is nothing left of me because I feel every extra minute I can have with the people I love is worth it, even if my face is covered in acne so bad that no one would ever touch me again. I don't care. I want to be with my family and friends as long as I can.

Classes have continued at RCTC. Band is wonderful and we have great songs. It is easily one of the best parts of my day; I can get lost in the music and not worry about the mess which is my life. Photography is interesting too, though I have recently been having problems with my camera and have therefore wasted two rolls of films. It's frustrating, but I'm getting a different camera tomorrow. Hopefully I can get my assignment done then.

My room is almost done being redecorated. The walls are a great shade of blue, my windows are covered with whimsical curtains, and my bed frame is modern and covered with a pretty, new comforter. All we have to do is hang my shelves and move my plants back into my room, along with my little trinkets. Oh, I have a new bookcase as well, which almost holds all my favorite books.

I guess that is all I would like to say for now. Again, I'm sorry to the anonymous commenter; this post was targeted at you and I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings. I understand you were just trying to make me feel better.

~Cheryl

P.S. I don't know how many of you have seen the movie "Spirit," the one with the horse, but I highly recommend you see it because it has brilliant music. I used a line from it as my post title again, but I would like to share the whole song with you because I feel it accurately expresses the emotions felt, not only in my situation, but by everyone who faces difficult challenges in life- which I guess is everybody, but especially those with fatal diseases and similar struggles. Enjoy.

"Sound the Bugle"- Bryan Adams

Sound the bugle now, play it just for me
As the seasons change, remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on, I can't even start
I've got nothing left, just an empty heart.

I'm a soldier, wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away...
Or leave me lying here.

Sound the bugle now, tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know, that leads to anywhere
Without a light, I fear that I will, stumble in the dark
Lay right down, decide not to go on.

Then from on high, somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, remember who you are
If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow.

So be strong tonight, remember who you are.
Yeah, you're a soldier now, fighting in a battle
To be free once more, Yeah, that's worth fighting for!

"Ain't no tellin' where the wind might go..."

Hello, friends!

Reba, the TV show, has put me in a good mood, so I figured I'd update the blog. =P

First, I've started my photography class at RCTC. I'm not taking it for a grade, so I don't have to get flustered about taking tests and such, but I participate in class and do the same assignments as everybody else. I really like it. We have a nice professor who wants to be sure her students understand the material. Today I got my first roll of black and white film and for next Tuesday I have to take twenty-four pictures of a single subject. I'm thinking of using our wood pile, since each shot has to be different and the wood pile has lots of bits, like leaves and moss, incorporated into it.

Next Monday I start band again. I should really get my sax out and practice before then; I don't know if my arm will still hurt from the cancer by my spine. My tone probably won't be that great either way since I haven't been playing all summer.

For Labor Day weekend, I went to the Wisconsin Dells with Ben and his family for a family reunion. It was fun to get away for the weekend. We played mini-golf, went on a boat ride down the Wisconsin River, spent the day at the Mt. Olympus water/theme park, and played games with the whole family.

The pain in my hip is still there and I finally had an MRI for it, which showed there is another cancer spot by my tailbone. I have an appointment tomorrow with the radiologist about how this radiation treatment will go and a simulation appointment after. I will fight for not getting tattoos again, but we'll just have to see what the outcome is.

Finding this new cancer spot has made me reconsider some things. I have a CT-scan coming up and if the results show that chemo really isn't doing anything, I might call it quits. I'm really not fully decided yet. I'll talk to Dr. Pitot and see what he thinks, though I'm under the impression that for the past few months he's thought I'd give up sometime soon. That's the thing though: I don't want to give up. That's like suicide. But at the same time, I hate this new chemo treatment so much that I feel nauseous by just having a passing thought about it. But giving up the fight... it just feels wrong. Like I said, I don't know what I'm going to do yet and I'll keep thinking about it until I'm sure I have the right decision for me.

The redecorating of my room has commenced. I've picked out a paint color that is considerably darker than the color I currently I have on my wall. I think it will look good in the end, or at least once I get used to it. We're going to start painting tomorrow, or maybe Saturday. My grandpa and Bob are making me nice shelves to keep my orchids on, which is great. I still have to pick out new window treatments (my greenish curtains are way past working with the rest of my room), get my new bed frame from IKEA (it has storage drawers underneath, which is really nice since my room is tiny), and decide what the final layout is going to be. Yay! I'm excited to see how it turns out. =)

Oh, I just wanted to mention that the post that I had promised would be on the other blog is still not up, though there are a couple posts there already. I'll let you know when I post the story I wanted to tell on that blog.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Free and Easy Down the Road I Go"- Dierks Bentley

"There goes the little man..."

Hey. Sorry this post is so late in coming. I've been busy... and lazy. Hopefully I'll remember everything that I had wanted to mention.

I think I'll start with how radiation to my spine went (wow, that was a long time ago). I had ten treatments of radiation and they all went rather well. It took a couple of weeks for me to feel the effects, but now there is no jabbing pain in my arm, only a tingling every once in a while. I'm happy the radiation helped: it means I can play saxophone and not have to worry about pain.

After radiation I had a treatment of chemo. It was not pleasant. I really hate CPT-11; it makes my stomach roll for twenty-four hours straight and then some. I usually always get sick a couple of times, no matter what medication they give me to help with nausea. Luckily, I didn't get a full batch of 5-FU since I had just finished radiation and Pitot didn't want to put too much stress on the healthy tissue in my throat that had also been exposed to the radiation.

Anyways, I finished up chemo, got to feeling better, and spent a couple days hanging out with friends.

Oh, I entered photographs into the amateur division of photography at the Olmsted County Fair. One of them got a red ribbon for its class, which means I won four dollars. It was pretty exciting. I've posted the photo on the blog before, the one with the red rose surrounded by the black and white roses. I really don't know what the judges were looking for, but I guess they saw something they liked in that photo.

The first week of August I went camping with Ben's family in Two Harbors. We went with two other families and the whole trip was awesome. We explored various places along the North Shore, played poker and other games a lot, and pretty much went from day to day without an agenda. It was wonderful. We had great weather too; it wasn't hot or humid and we only had rain the morning we were leaving. I had a rather interesting experience while I was up there too, but I think I'll put that story on the other blog- so keep an eye out for that.

I got home from camping and had chemo again. It wasn't fun. It never is. To worsen the experience, my right hip has been bothering me. We don't know what the cause is and, as always, Pitot is slow to go into action about figuring out what the deal is. So I've spent the week with a sore hip that causes the tops of my legs to cramp and has made me lose feeling in two of my toes. I take lots of pain killers that don't deal with the pain, just make me crazy in the head so I don't notice the pain. We called Pitot again Friday and said something has to be done, so I have an x-ray or some sort of scan Monday. Pitot thinks the pain might be from exercising more while I was camping and that my strange gait has put stress on parts of the bone that aren't usually pressured. I hope it's nothing more than that, but with my past luck, I doubt it. We'll see, I guess.

What else...

Wednesday we moved Greg down to Iowa State so he could join the ranks of freshmen Cyclones that are beginning dorm life. It was sad. Now I'm an only child who keeps wondering what time her brother is getting home at night and realizing I probably won't be seeing him for a while yet. =( He seems to be liking it down there, though, so that's good.

On Friday I went sailing for the first time. It was lots of fun and very relaxing. I went with my mom and dad, Ben, and my parents' friend, Greg N., who owned the boat. We sailed around Lake Pepin for a while and then went out for pizza. Like I said, it was relaxing floating out on the lake and it was really cool seeing what you have to do to get a sail boat to sail properly.

Yesterday, I went shopping with friends Ann and Connor. I think that might have been a mistake since the mall was filled to the ceiling with people who were trying to escape the rain. I must say I am very disappointed with fall fashion thus far. I haven't found anything I really like, except maybe for the shoes. I love the slipper look; "yay" for no heals and shoes that are reminiscent of dance. But the shirts are another story. It's like fashion designers thought everybody would be pregnant this year and made shirts that look like they belong in the maternity section. Ugh. I would like a nice, clean cut sweater or long sleeve, thank you very much. Simple things. Not shirts that might be short dresses and vice versa. But I have yet to find a simple, long sleeved shirt. It seems that designers are also expecting some serious global warming too since all the new clothes in stores are either T-shirts or tank tops. Meh.

A random tid-bit: I hope to start painting and rearranging my room sometime soon. I have the general color palette figured out, but the arrangement of furniture is still a mystery.

I think that's all the news I have.

In a little over a week I start band and a photography class at RCTC. I'm excited for that and hope that I can make it all work with my chemo meshed in there somewhere.

Oh, I have some thank-you's! I want to thank Pastor Mark for the T-shirt from Star Lake (I really wish I could have gone with you guys). Thank you, Ann Jones, for the prayer shawl; it's beautiful. And thank you to everybody who has been sending me cards and prayers. I appreciate it a lot. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"Little Man"- Alan Jackson

"Then I was inspired, now I'm sad and tired..."

Hi.

Thanks everyone for all your prayers and support. It means a lot to me. I'm sorry I sound so pessimistic and pathetic in recent posts. I just don't know what to do anymore.

There are moments when I feel like maybe prayer will work and a miracle will happen, but then something happens and I can't help but thinking that there can't be a god out there because what kind of god would let this happen to people if he had the power to stop it? I mean, I would like to think that if even a normal human, born prone to sin as we are, were given omnipotent powers, he/she would feel inclined to cure people of disease. I know if I had powers like that, the first thing I would do would be to conjure a cure for cancer. Wouldn't you? I know I am not explaining my thought process well, but this post would end up far too long if I tried to thoroughly explain what I mean. Hopefully you can understand what I'm getting at...

Dr. Pitot called today with the results of my MRI. There is a tumor on the left side of my spine, about level with my shoulders. This is what is causing all the pain in my left arm. There is another, smaller growth somewhere lower on my spine, but Pitot was a bit vague on its exact location. I am scheduled to meet with the radiation people tomorrow. We'll get another simulation and treatment schedule set up, probably for next week.

Which royally sucks. Radiation is rather inconvenient since you have to be there everyday. I'm contemplating asking my parents to get a hotel room for me downtown. Then I can just chill out there and walk to my treatments. In my spare time, I could walk to Barnes & Noble, go swimming, go to the library or the park, and so on. It's just an idea. Definitely not necessary since we live so close, but at least I'd get to go swimming everyday. Maybe I'll just do it for a couple days. Any excuse to go swimming.

Swimming is my favorite outdoor activity. It's the best form of exercise I can get. I don't swim laps or anything, but it's nice since I can easily move around and don't have to worry about stress on bones and such.

I know this is random, but if anyone has any spare time and enjoys sci-fi/fantasy books or is a teenager (or one at heart), I recommend you read the book Wizard's Dilemma by Diane Duane. It might not move you as much if you haven't read the other books in the series because you won't be as attached to the characters, but it is still a good read. It makes me cry every time I read it. A quick explanation of the plot: the main character, Nita, is a wizard who is desperately searching for a cure for cancer once her mother is diagnosed with a brain tumor. The Lone Power (the Devil, if you will) has bargained to cure Nita's mother, but is Nita willing to lose her wizarding powers, which allow her to save millions and slow the death of the universe, in exchange to save one person she loves?

Oh, I forgot to mention this before, but I am starting a new blog. It's not a blog to replace this one, rather it will probably add to this one. When I write for this blog, I try and watch what I say so that I don't offend anybody (unless I'm really upset and just have to say something). My new blog will be uncensored. I will write anything I please and not give a hoot about what people think, which is why I won't allow people to comment on my posts there. I will continue writing on this blog, as this one provides a place for me to update people on what I'm up to and my state of health. The link to my new blog is in the sidebar. There are no posts there yet, but expect some soon.

I think that's about it for now. I'm going to go see the new Harry Potter movie in about half an hour and need to go get ready.

I'll post more when I know more about what will be happening in the upcoming week.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Gethsemane"- Jesus Christ Superstar

Time for another update.

I got back from Hawaii on the 17th of June. Right away, I had another chemo treatment. It was my first time having CPT-11 in my regimen. I guess the treatment went well. It was nice not having Oxaliplatin, so I wasn't cold sensitive. The side effects of the CPT-11 were tolerable; it made me nauseous, but in a different way than the Oxaliplatin, and it made me have hot flashes and night sweats, which wasn't all that pleasant. It took me longer to recover from this treatment than other treatments I had. We figured it was because I had such a long break from chemo that my body had to re-adapt to chemical bombardment.

My Australian friend, Veronika, came back from Hawaii with us, so I have been hanging out a lot with her. Some days we would just hung out at my house and others we were running around. We made a trip to Ikea last Friday so I could look at new bed frames and see if they carried pots suitable for orchids, which they didn't.

On the 4th of July, my family traveled with Veronika to Stewartville. We spent the day with my mom's side of the family. It was unbearably hot during the day, but luckily it cooled off in the evening so we could enjoy the parade and fireworks. Stewartville had an impressive firework display this year and Veronika got several interesting photos of different fireworks.

Veronika started flying home today, so last night I had friends over to say goodbye to her. We chilled in my basement (since it was storming outside) and watched The Blues Brothers. Hopefully I'll make it to Australia someday to visit her since it was so much fun having her around to hang out with.

Today I had appointments again, a blood draw and a visit with Dr. Pitot. I'd like to say everything came out all pleasantly, but it didn't really. I have to get an MRI to see if the pain that's been in my left arm is being caused by the spread of cancer into a nerve near my spine or is something as simple as a pinched nerve. My MRI is tomorrow and I think Pitot said he'd leave me a note when I came in again on Friday for another round of chemo.

I don't know why, but today I asked Pitot again what my lifespan is looking like. I knew it was going to ruin my day, but I did it anyways. I told him I wanted to see my boyfriend graduate in the spring from high school and Pitot said he wished the graduation was in the fall. It all reminded me how fast time is passing by and how my cancer is just tearing through it like it's nothing. I'm going to die soon, and I'm sad and scared.

I don't want to write anything more now. I don't have anything more to report anyways.

~Cheryl

If this stupid site would let me post a title, it would be:
"Farewell for a while, I'm going away..."
"10000 Miles"- Mary Chapin Carpenter

"Set your spirit free and sing along with me..."

I’m sorry this post is so late in coming. Life has been pretty busy (a post will soon be up regarding that) and I was having problems determining how to write this post so it didn’t turn out to be a mile long. But I think I have figured out a solution: I will write this post in a Question/Answer form. Lots of people have already asked me about my trip to Hawaii and have thus supplied with the questions I believe people are most interested in knowing the answers to. So here we go…

How was your trip?
Fantabulous! It was definitely the best vacation ever.

Where did you stay?
At the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel on the Big Island. It’s a really, really nice place and we were lucky enough to get great rates on the rooms, thanks to my aunt. You can check out the hotel’s website here: Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel. I didn’t get any pictures of the resort, but my boyfriend did. When he gets back from his mission trip, I’ll post a link to his pictures.

Who went with you to Hawaii?
My dad, mom, brother, boyfriend, and my best-est Australian friend, Veronika, met us there. =D

What was your favorite part about Hawaii?
Swimming everyday. I loved being able to walk out our hotel room and go down to a white sand beach with no crowds and just swim around for the afternoon. The hotel had a great pool too for the days when there were jellyfish at the beach. On the last day we rented snorkel gear and explored around the rocks at the beach. There were tons of fish there! It was one of the coolest experiences of my life. We got to swim with turtles and everything! There were even more fish there than when we went snuba-ing in Kona.

What’s snuba?
It’s like scuba diving, but instead of having an air tank on your back, it floats on a raft above you and you’re connected to it by a 25 ft. hose. It’s really fun, albeit it was scary at first. You have to stay calm and trust the equipment to give you air. The easiest thing to do is just to keep moving and then you don’t think about it much. I would definitely snuba again if I could. It’s an interesting experience and it’s a great chance to see things that live a little bit deeper in the ocean.

What else did you do in Hawaii?
Lots of stuff! A couple of days we drove to the rainy side of the island to browse through shops, visit a botanical garden, and lookout over a black sand beach.

Did you swim at a black sand beach?
Nope. You needed some serious four-wheel drive to get down there, so we spared our rental van and decided our white sand beach was just as good to swim at.

How was the botanical garden?
Awesome! I’ve never seen so many tropical plants. They had a whole section of garden for orchids; it was beautiful.

So what else did you do…?
One day we went on a helicopter ride around the island. We flew over the lava fields on the desert side, over the active volcano and spewing lava, then around to the other side of the island and over rainforests and valleys that were filled with waterfalls. The valleys were so beautiful; it was scenery that could make you cry with wonder (yeah, I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s true).

Did the helicopter make you nauseous?
Nope. I took some of my anti-nauseous chemo meds beforehand and I was peachy keen through the whole ride. My mother was another story though…

Anything else of interest?
There was a day when Dad, Greg, and Ben went deep sea fishing; they didn’t catch much though and said if we ever went back they probably wouldn’t go out again, or at least not for as long. They caught a couple of fish called Ohno, by the way. We also went to the Volcano National Park and saw sulfur dioxide wafting out of the ground; there was a lava tunnel to walk through as well, which was neat. That same day we went to the park, we went to an orchid farm and purchased some plants. They’re very beautiful, though I do not have photos of them in bloom yet. My one plant, a Miltonia orchid (or pansy orchid), is not doing so well and I cannot figure out why. I think I’m going to have to cut the blooms off so it can focus on leaf growth since it’s losing so many leaves. I really hope it doesn’t die. Anyways, we also attended a luau. It was very entertaining and the food was great. (Pictures of the luau are also with my boyfriend since my camera didn’t have enough zoom power to get good shots of the dancers.)

I think that’s about it. Half the reason this post took so long to be put up was that I didn’t have a good place to load photos to. But now I found Google has a free photo album that easily uploads photos. So my Hawaii photo album can be found here: Hawaii 2007. I highly recommend you go through the album via the slideshow option, though if you just browse through the photos, you can see the general location of where each picture was taken.

Sorry again about the delay (which I just realized was about a month long). Enjoy the photos!

~Cheryl

"La Nova Alegria"- Cirque du Soleil's Delirium

"Time flies, always remember you're with me wherever I go..."

Hola!

Wow. Time goes by fast. Only the other day did I have the realization that I was soon leaving for Hawaii. Several people have asked me if I was packed and ready to go, but I hadn't even started since I kept imagining the trip as always being in the distant future. However, I am now mostly packed and will be ready to fly away tomorrow. I'm really excited! This trip is going to be awesome. There will definitely be many pictures posted when I get back. =)

In recent news, my brother (Greg) graduated from high school. So on June 2nd we celebrated his graduation and his birthday, which was also that day. It was fun. He had a really good turn out for his party; some friends that I hadn't seen in a while even showed up, so I got to visit a lot with them too. June 3rd was Greg's graduation ceremony. It went well; there were some good speeches and it kept moving right along so we didn't have to sit there all day and listen to who got what scholarship. Greg actually got a pretty cool scholarship called the National Scholar/Athlete award from the Army Reserve. It's awarded to one boy and one girl who have participated in two sports during their senior year (or maybe throughout all of high school) and maintained a certain grade point average. He got a big medal for it, so it's pretty nifty.

Yesterday my family abandoned me to go to Iowa.

Okay, they didn't really abandon me. They left for Greg's orientation at Iowa State University in Ames. It's a two day process, so they spent the night down there. Greg's orientation is kind-a bittersweet for me. I'm super glad he's going off and getting his life started, but at the same time it reminds me that I went through a similar process and then had it all blasted away at the last second. It sucks, it really does. And then I have a couple friends who are home from school and I hear them start to complain about boredom and how they miss being off at college. Some days I come so close to telling them they do not even come close to comprehending what true boredom is. I have spent an entire year doing nothing. I would wake up in the morning and find there was no point in waking up: I had nothing I needed to do. Most people think, "Oh, she's lucky. It's like a long term vacation." No. It's not. On vacation, you have other people with you partaking in enjoyable activities. What I had was an empty house, albeit my dad was home most of the time, but he had to work so his company was minimal. So, as a warning, if I hear you say you're bored or I see it as your status on Facebook, I may hunt you down and slap you.

Anyways, enough ranting.

So while my family was gallivanting in Ames, I got to hang out with my friends. Yesterday we went to the mall and had makeovers done at the Clinique in Macy's (thanks, Anna!). It was an interesting experience; it was helpful seeing someone who knows what they're doing put makeup on you so that you may know how to do it properly in the future. After our makeovers we got lunch and loitered at the mall for an hour or so. At this point we decided a sleepover would be fun even though we all had to get up early this morning. But, being the crazy teens we are, we did it anyways. We all met at my house (keep in mind this is four sensible girls hanging out, not some crazy mixed-gender fiesta celebrating the absence of my parents) and mostly just sat around and talked. Ann and Laura had brought their laptops along so we had a big music swap, which was great because now I have lots of new songs to listen to on my MP3 player as I fly to Hawaii. After song-swapping we had some food and watched Mitch Hedberg and Bill Engvall on TV; both of them are pretty funny comedians, so we got some good laughs out of that. As I said before, time flies and by this time it was already about 1 a.m., so we threw some blankets down in my living room and went to bed. Everyone successfully got up on time this morning, and hopefully will have enough energy to get through their day.

This morning I had to get up to play for jazz band at the high school. Mr. Anderson, the high school band director, said they would be short some saxophones for a gig they have on July 3rd in Dover and asked if I would be willing to play with them. Due to my band-nerd nature, I agreed and therefore had to be at the high school at 7:30 a.m. for a practice. To my disappointment, hardly anyone was there (I was the only sax player) since today is the last day of school and people were either off cramming last minute facts into their brains or being lazy bums (my money is on them being lazy bums). But the practice was still fun; I haven't played jazz band tunes in over a year and it was refreshing playing something other than concert pieces.

Now I must tell about the highlight of my day. I was driving home from Eyota when all the wonderfulness began. First, I finally figured out how to use the cruise control on the Honda. I know, it's pathetic, but I was happy. I turned up the radio, browsed for the country stations that are broadcast out of boondock towns, and found one that was playing some good old tunes from the 90's (music from that decade will always beat the new contemporary stuff). So happiness was abounding and the sun was shining as I turned at the Conoco gas station by my house. I went along the curvy road and was just about to turn off onto my road when a deer leaped out of the ditch. Luckily I had seen it before it decided to cross the road, so I had easily stopped in time. So I sat waiting for it to scurry off, musing over the fact that I hadn't seen a deer up close like this during the day in my car ever before; however, the deer was not scurrying off. It was looking straight at me and then looking back at the other side of the road. At first I thought, "Oh no. This is one of those dumb deer who like to play mind games and frolic back and forth across the road." But then I saw why it hadn't run away: Out of the grass steps a tiny fawn. Oh. My. Gosh. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen. It was only came up to about my knee and was covered in spots. I couldn't believe how small it was. The fawn took a couple steps out on the road and then wasn't sure if it was really allowed to cross, so it's mother came back to retrieve it and they crossed the road together. I wish I had my camera with me. It was so adorable! I watched the two walk into the woods and then continued the last bit of my journey home. But wait, there's more! To top it all off, a pair of bluebirds flew over my car before I pulled into my driveway. There is no possible way the day could get any better.

And so far, it hasn't, though it's still going pretty good. There was actually something of an incident, but that just resulted in me fretting a little and taking a tour of Marion Road (which is actually kind-a fun; Marion is a pleasant road). I think everything is resolved and will be okay, so no big deal. =)

Now I'm just chilling at home. I put away blankets and some dishes from the sleepover and will soon start loading the new songs I got onto my MP3 player. After that I'll probably go through what I've packed so far and make sure I have everything. I'm the most concerned about having everything for my cameras (yes, plural- I'm a geek), so I'll go through and check that I've packed all the necessary cords and accessories. That will also include determining how I will be transporting said cameras in my carry-on and what else needs to be packed in that bag to keep me entertained and happy (or as happy as you can be on a long flight).

I think that's about it. All I can think to say is that the weather man is saying we're in for some dreary weather here and that I'm glad to be leaving it behind tomorrow (unless of course the weather becomes violent and causes flight delays, which would stink). So, yay!

I'll be sure to post something when I get back, though it might be a little while after I get back since I'll be thrown into having chemo and appointments as soon as I return: The Clinic waits for no man! But there will be a post sooner or later.

Oh, I really wanted to show people this. For Greg's birthday/graduation I drew him a picture on my computer with the drawing tablet I bought. I thought it turned out really well and I just got it printed out for him at Ritz Photos a couple days ago. It's really cool seeing the work I did on the computer on a nice sheet of photo paper. So here it is, my art which is currently called "Ode to Greg" (until a better name is found):


And that's all the news I have to report, so I'll see you all when I get back from Paradise. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

P.S. Some of my friends asked me to start posting the song title to the song I make reference to in my post title. Here it is: "Time Flies" inspired by Mer Noire from Cirque du Soleil's Delirium

"Sound the bugle now, play it just for me..."

Yesterday I had my last round of chemotherapy before I go to Hawaii. I'd like to say it went well, but in many ways, it did not.

It was really nice having my friends Laura and Ann come with me, instead of my parents. I managed to stay awake and we attempted to do crossword puzzles. For Lent, Ann and her college roommate made hats to donate to chemo patients, so between the two, there were about thirty-six really nice hats (a couple of them were too small for adult heads). Though it's summer, I know chemo patients like seeing all the hats available to them in the baskets: it means someone cares. Like I had said in my previous post, we had attempted to make stuffed animals this week. Laura had made a lamb, which she donated to the chemo ward. It's a pretty cute stuffed animal lamb, and every once in a while, a kid has chemo at the Gonda instead of the children's hospital, so I'm sure the lamb will get taken home.

So that was went well. Now for what didn't go so well:

First off, my drugs were late. They always take forever to get ordered; I have no idea why. So I finally began getting infused with Avastin. That went fine, so we moved on to the first half of my calcium/magnesium infusion (for some reason you get half an hour's worth before the Leucovorin/Oxaliplatin and another half hour's worth afterwards). There were no problems with that either. Next was supposed to be Leucovorin and Oxaliplatin, simultaneously. I wasn't paying too much attention, so I didn't notice the nurse had only hooked me up to Leucovorin and had left me infused to the the calcium/magnesium until half an hour later. I pointed it out and the problem was corrected; however, it meant that I was going to be at the Clinic for an extra hour and that it would be later in the day on Sunday when I could be de-accessed from my chemo pump. I much prefer getting de-accessed in the morning, so I can shower right away and start feeling like a normal person. But this Sunday, I won't be done with the pump until 2:30 PM. Meh.

This isn't all that went wrong, though.

I began the Oxaliplatin infusion. At one point, I got up and started coughing a lot. I thought, "This is strange. That tickle is back in my throat." During my last round of chemo, I had a tickle in my throat, but I thought that was because I had been getting over a cold. I wasn't coughing up anything, so I wasn't too concerned: maybe the air in the Clinic was dry? But then my eyes started to itch, really itch. Ann said I should probably tell the nurse. I was also starting to get really hot inside. We caught the attention of one of the nurses and she was like "Uh-oh," and left to grab a small group of nurses to examine me. Then all of a sudden, a doctor who works with Dr. Pitot (my oncologist), was asking me the same questions the nurses had been drilling me with. I know the symptoms of an allergic reaction to Oxaliplatin, but I didn't think that this was it because I had been told a rash or very red face was associated with it. The doctor asked me if I had a rash anywhere, so I looked at my arms and legs and the doc checked my back. No rash there. Thank God Ann and Laura spoke-up because it turns out the rash was on my face and the doctor had thought that was just my normal complexion. Once I could look in the mirror, I couldn't believe it because it looked like I had just broken out with severe acne. I thought, "How could someone not notice this!?" My friends thought it was because it had come on gradually. I guess that makes sense, but I still would have thought one of the nurses would have noticed it sooner since I'm in there so often. Oh well. They pumped me with lots of Benadryl and my complexion was soon back to normal and I was floating on a cloud of happiness and sleepiness. Oh, they stopped infusing me with Oxaliplatin too.

Which brings about my next point:

That was my last round of Oxaliplatin. The coughing, itchy eyes, and rash were my body's way of saying, "That's enough. We can't take this anymore." I knew this would come sooner or later, but I thought it would be later. I actually thought I was going to run out of mental patience before my body spoke up. C'est la vie.

Now why would I not be rejoicing about not having to take any more of the evil drug that makes me cold sensitive and extremely nauseous? Because so far it has been the only drug that has been fighting my cancer and now I can't take it anymore. The FOLFOX treatment (the treatment I was on with Avastin/Leucovorin/Oxaliplatin/5-FU) is the front line treatment for colon cancer, which means it's the strongest and most effective. Since I've now built up a sensitivity to Oxaliplatin, I'll have to move on to a second line drug to replace it.

I have not discussed this much with Dr. Pitot, but I think the drug we are going to have to use now is called Irinotecan. It has a whole new bunch of side effects, including hair loss. I don't really want to lose my hair. I had joked about it before, but I think that's because it was in the winter and that meant that I could wear nice fluffy hats all the time and that wouldn't be so bad. Now I'll have to figure out something else to keep my head from burning in the summer while I go swimming. I don't think you go swimming with scarves on and stuff. Plus, I have no idea how to tie scarves or look good in hats. The only positive I'm seeing thus far is that I may not have to shave my legs anymore.

But it just scares me that I have to switch drugs. What if Irinotecan doesn't work? I'm getting scared and I'm worried that's going ruin on my Hawaii trip, just knowing that I have to wait until I get back to have my scans and talk with Dr. Pitot. Three and a half weeks is a long time to wait. I don't want to have my hair fall out and suffer through new side effects at the peak of summer, when all my friends are home, and all I want to do is be outside and have fun. =(

So that's my news. The nurses said I was actually pretty lucky: a story perfect case of building a sensitivity to Oxaliplatin. Some people just all of a sudden can't stand it anymore and have their throats swell shut from the allergic reaction and they can't breathe. I guess I'd opt for how I had to deal with it, with the only real inconveniences being the itchy eyes and tickle in my throat.

But like I said, I don't really have anything new to report. Later today I have a graduation party to go to for a bit, but then I'm probably coming home and doing nothing.

I'll report when I have something new and exciting.

"Let's roll the windows down, turn the radio up..."

Hi.

Today we got a door. It's a fairly pretty door; I like it better than the old one. It does, however, make the front entrance smell odd which, combined with the fact that I have been reading all day, is starting to give me a headache. I just felt like getting that out there.

I think I'll say what I've been up to in reverse order of events:

Like I said, today I have been reading. I finished a book called Night Watch by Terry Pratchett (Little, I finally read it and will somehow get it back to you- or get you a new one since this one has been forced to live in my room for so long). It was a good read. The plot took a bit longer to get going than most Pratchett books, but it was good once it got rolling. After I finished Night Watch, I read Stardust by Neil Gaiman. I read that book about a year or so ago and had stowed it under my bed. Then I went to a movie this Mother's Day and started to watch a preview, the whole time thinking, "This sounds a lot like Stardust by Neil Gaiman..." I even said so to Ben. The preview hit its dramatic conclusion and lo-and-behold, it was Stardust! My first thought was, "I don't remember the book being so action-packed... I'll have to reread it." So I accomplished that today. The first time I read Stardust I thought it was a decent book, but I think I liked it better the second time through. This may be because the last time I read it I had just finished a not-so-humorous book (one of those modern epic deals) and was not in the right frame of mind. But this time I had just finished a book by Pratchett, a satirical author, and therefore caught a lot more of the humor and cheeriness that was in Stardust.

But enough about books, on to other news...

Most of my friends are home from school now. It's great having them back. We've already gotten together a few times and hung out- lots of fun to be had. The other day a couple of us made stuffed animals (don't know why, but we did). The project only went to prove that I am not meant to be a master of sewing. Maybe the sewing machine didn't like me. I don't know. I have never really had a knack for sewing, same goes for cooking. Oh well.

The milk carton boat project is coming along slower than I would like. None of the group members are decisive enough to say what kind of boat we should be building. You would think coming up with an idea for a crazy boat would be easy, but it's not. We've had ideas range from a whale to the Millennium Falcon (which we are not doing, Connor and Jase). Hopefully mental lightning will strike someone soon and the perfect idea will emerge and we'll get started on construction.

Again, moving in reverse order, graduation at RCTC went rather well. The whole ordeal was kept moving, so we didn't have to sit around too terribly long or play "Pomp & Circumstance" too many times. Our performance a half hour prior to graduation went really well too. It was fun playing in a big space: it means you can play loud and sound will be too distorted for anyone to notice if you make any mistakes.

I think that's about it for the reverse order. Oh, for Mother's Day I gave Mom a trio of photographs I had photoshopped a bit on my computer. One photo was of a butterfly, the other of three tulips, and the last one was of a rose. The rose one turned out the best so I've displayed it below:


Tomorrow I go to see Pirates of the Caribbean III with my friends. I expect this movie to be the best one of the trilogy, and hopefully I won't be disappointed.

Friday I have my last round of chemo before I go to Hawaii. Though I would just as soon not have chemo, it'll be nice to get three weeks off from it afterward. I think some of my friends are coming with me to this treatment. It'll be nice to have them along, I think. Hopefully they won't get too bored: I don't think they understand how long this process really takes. My goal is not to fall asleep on them when I actually start treatment. It's really hard to stay awake sometimes, and most times I don't even bother to try: I figure it's easier to sleep and not contemplate that when that part of the treatment is done I still have 48 hours of it left. But this time I'll try to stay awake.

My general health seems pretty good right now. I've been slacking on stretching, and I really need to start doing it more. I don't have an excuse for not doing it, other than being lazy.

When I get back from Hawaii, I'm scheduled to have a CT-scan. Hopefully we'll see good things.

I've just remembered something else I've been up to: gardening. I cleaned out my garden (with the help of my aunt) and got everything that I wanted planted. Mom and I went to HyVee recently, though, and I ended up getting a few more plants: pink phlox, poppies, spiderwort, and lantana. I love these plants and will proceed with a rather disconnected paragraph commenting on each one: Garden phlox always smells so good when it blooms later in the summer. I've tried multiple times to get spiderwort to grow in my garden, but it has yet to take; maybe this will be the year. One summer I saw a huge lantana plant and have always wanted one since; it may be an annual (my goal is to eventually have a helter-skelter garden of perennials), but it's pink and yellow blooms are too gorgeous to pass up. And I don't really know why I got poppies. I think it may have something to do with my obsession with the musical Wicked and how that is connected to The Wizard of Oz, which supports a scene filled with poppies.

Speaking of musicals, I have decided that I am going to try out for RCTC's musical this coming fall. My goal is to be healthy and flexible enough that I can audition and get a decent part (which would probably be any part at all- I just want to be a part of a drama program). Rumor has it that the musical is going to be Tommy. For those of you who are not familiar with The Who, Tommy is about "a deaf, dumb, blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball." The musical itself isn't really one of those happy-go-lucky-Andrew-Lloyd-Webber-type musicals, but I think it'd be an interesting experience. Monday I was looking online for info about the musical and was checking the vocal ranges of the characters. I saw the Acid Queen part was written for altos, so I go to Youtube.com and watch "Acid Queen" from the Tommy movie. Tina Turner played the Acid Queen in the movie. My voice does not sound like Tina Turner's. Not even a little bit. So my chances of getting a supporting role depend on whether I can get my voice into mezzo soprano shape with a rock-and-roll sound and my confidence kicked up quite a few levels. Expect to see me in the background. Or the orchestra pit, if there is an orchestra pit...

I think that's all the news I have. I hope everyone has a good Memorial Day weekend.

~Cheryl

"I wanna wrap the moon around us..."

Good morning!

I'm going to try to keep this post relatively short because I'd like to go enjoy the nice weather outside before I have band practice.

The other day I cleaned my room for the first time since we got Claire. Needless to say, it really needed it. I opened my windows, aired the room out, and began the tedious process of sorting through clothes. I ended up giving a lot of them up, especially sweaters and pants. The sweaters I wasn't going to wear anymore (since I had them in storage all this winter and didn't even notice I didn't have them) and the pants simply don't fit. I shrunk and now they're all too big. Thankfully a couple still fit and I have a few new pairs to replace them. After all my clothes were put away and the rest of the room picked up, I got a few lilac clippings from our bushes and brought them into my room. Now my room smells fresh and scented with lilacs. =)

Band at RCTC is wrapping up. I had a practice last week (which was a joke) and another one today (which will also probably be a waste of time). We're practicing "Pomp & Circumstance," and a rather lame version at that. I'll probably be the only saxophone playing at graduation and I'm not even enrolled at RCTC. Graduation is tomorrow night. I would really rather not play since it is my last free night before having another round of chemo (scheduled for this Friday morning). Meh.

Yesterday my friend Ann and I bummed around town. It was fun. She picked up some herbs and then we tried to find the Mayowood mansion; however, the road we took was closed partway down, so we didn't get to see it. After that we ran to the recycling center to ask about milk jugs. As it turns out, we can take as many plastic milk jugs from there as we want, so we're pretty much set for the quantity of milk jugs we need. We'll still take any that people save for us, but what we really need is milk cartons. Or juice cartons that are the same size and shape as milk cartons since they'll be painted anyways. So...

Please save your half-gallon milk/juice cartons and give them to us.

Oh, and remember to rinse them out first. We don't want smelly ones. =P

I think that's pretty much it. I'm going to go ride my bike a bit and enjoy the sun. =D

Wait, I remembered one more thing. I found this site, http://www.thedeepbook.org/, on the i-am-bored.com site and thought it was pretty neat. It has a whole bunch of pictures of deep sea creatures, really deep sea creatures. It's just fascinating how weird some of these creatures look. I thought some of you might enjoy that.

Okay, now I'm going outside. =D

~Cheryl

Got Milk??

Aloha!

It is definitely time for a new post. I would have had one up earlier this week, but chemo made me feel icky and I decided to wait until I was in a better mood. Spare everyone another disgruntled post. =)

This last weekend was DE high school's performance of "Anything Goes." I think it went quite well and there was a good audience turnout. I got to sit backstage and help with make-up and such. It was fun, even though at the time I was hooked up to my chemo pump. Oh well. It provided me with a good distraction.

Oh, this last week (Wednesday and Thursday) was my final concert with RCTC for the semester. Coincidentally, the theme was "Anything Goes" and it was a pretty fun concert. The band songs went well and it was fun watching the choir, Aires, and jazz band perform. The jazz band was awesome. They had a ballad that featured an amazing solo trumpeter; I don't know what the name of it was, but I'd have to say that was my favorite piece.

And now I'd like to send out a BIG thank-you to the following: Phillipa, Pete, Mark, Greg, Mike, Bill & Jodi, Bryan, Amy, Dave, Rich, Sam, David, John, Steve, Patrick, Naresh, Jim, Dan, Kathy, Henry, Brad, Jeff, and the other IBM-ers who gave spending money for my Hawaii trip. Thank you so much. It will definitely be put to good use. I'll be sure to put up pictures of what it was put towards once I get back from the trip. =D

In my last post I said that I was meeting with a physical therapist to start conditioning my leg. Well, his view is that we'll just condition all of me so that by the end of twelve weeks I'll be "so fit I won't be able to stand myself." =D Yes, that's a direct quote from him. He's an awesome guy and has provided me with lots of stretches and exercises to strengthen everything that has weakened during my treatment. I really like that his view is "No pain, all gain" instead of "No pain, no gain." He doesn't want me hurting, so all my exercises are gradual (lasting only about fifteen minutes). That really works well for me since I can go out and walk or ride my bike for a little bit or stretch a little while I'm watching TV and I know I'm doing something to help myself. It doesn't make it seem like a chore. What's great is that I usually walk or ride my bike a couple times a day, so it adds up to about a half hour worth of exercise- which is the recommended daily amount of exercise for a person anyways. It's hard to tell if I'm getting stronger, since chemo throws me into a fit of weakness at about the time you'd be able to tell if you were improving or not, but I think I am. I'm walking more often without a limp and it's getting easier for me to get my socks on, so I figure I'm improving.

Before this post gets too long, I'd like to get a couple things out there:

The first is that Mr. Little is having a book signing this Saturday, May 5, at The Book Review, located in the Hillcrest Shopping Center, from 10 am-2 pm. If you haven't purchased a copy of his book (The Centurion: The Balance of the Soul War), this would be the perfect time to pick up a copy, meet the author, and have your copy signed. If you want more information, check out Little's website (there's a link in my sidebar for this blog) and just follow the links to his blog. Everything you could want to know, including directions to The Book Review, are located in his weblog.

Secondly, I have a very odd, yet highly important, request:

Please save your milk cartons/jugs and give them to me!

That's right. I want your milk cartons/jugs. Do not throw them away and/or recycle them, no matter what their size or shape! A group of friends and I are entering the Minneapolis Aquatennial Kemp's Milk Carton race. That means we need lots of milk cartons/jugs in order to build a boat that we will race in Lake Calhoun on July 15. I know, we're crazy, but with the people we have on our team I seriously think we could kick some butt and win some prizes. So, please, please, please, donate your milk cartons/jugs to our cause. All I ask is that you wash them out before you give them to me. I don't really care to store a bunch of cartons/jugs filled with sour milk. =P

There. I think I have everything said that I wanted to say. Unless I'm forgetting something. In which case I'm sorry I forgot it and maybe I'll post it later when I remember what it is I've forgotten. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"Lost in this moment with you, I am completely consumed..."

Hola!

Well, I have just about the best news ever and it must be shared with the world:

Today I had a doctor's appointment to review X-rays of my femur and to figure out what the next course of action would be. After a forty-five minute wait, my hip doctor/surgeon (Dr. Sims) decided to show up and we viewed my X-rays. To say the least, they looked good. Really good. I think they even surprised Dr. Sims. Between having radiation and chemotherapy, what was once a dark and cancerous looking femur is now an area that is glowing a healthy white. Calcium and healthy bone cells are returning to my femural head and neck. Dr. Sims says my femur can tolerate weight and there is no risk that it will randomly fracture.

My posture, however, is a little poor since I had started limping to compensate for previous pain. So tomorrow I start meeting with a physical therapist in order to regain flexibility and normal movement. I'm glad Dr. Sims set me up with someone to work with on that. I was worried they were just going to say, "Congratulations. Now go off and do some stretching or something and you'll be back to normal eventually." But now I'll have someone to show me what stretches and exercises will benefit me most and I can work on not just regaining strength in my one leg, but my overall endurance. I'll be able to keep up with everybody again!! Clogging is in my future!!! =D (Clogging is that hillbilly tap dance stuff I told you about before.)

So this has pretty much been one of the best days of my life as of late. I got up this morning, lounged around, then Mom and I went shopping before my appointment. We made a trip to Michael's (craft store) so I could get some new paint. I have old, cheap bottles of acrylic sitting here at home and I definitely needed a new tube of white. Next we went to Panera for lunch. All I can say is: Fufu berry. That's right. Fufu berry. Go forth to the nearest Panera and try a Fufu berry Jones soda. It is amazing. So then I had my appointment and started crying for joy. Afterwards we rushed over to RCTC for the remaining bit of band practice. It wasn't all that exciting. We played "Hands Across the Sea" (evil Sousa) again, "Billboard March" (why must we play marches...!?), and the "Pirates" medley. I realized I need to work on a section of "Pirates"; there is some crazy triplet/tercet action going on in that song that needs to be practiced up to full speed. And finally I got to enjoy the beautiful day. I took all my paints and supplies outside and painted in the sun. Later Mom and I took the puppies on a walk, ate dinner, and went to a free concert at RCTC.

The concert was really fun. It was a group called Arvel Bird and One Nation. They performed contemporary Native American pieces, which was quite interesting. Arvel was an amazing fiddle player who had studied classical violin for eleven years and then went around exploring all different types of music, so no matter what he played it sounded superb. The group's guitarist was something else too. Definitely a very talented musician. Here's their website: http://www.arvelbirdandonenation.com/ Check it out and listen to "Mother Earth". The lyrics aren't all that creative, but the instrumental aspects of the song are worth listening to.

And I guess that is about it in news. I think I'll finish up this post so I can go eat my delectable slice of Oreo DQ blizzard cake. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"But come ye back when summer's in the meadow..."

Hey.

I guess it's about time to update my blog.

Life continues to plod along. I can't say anything of extreme interest has happened to me since my last post, except for a reunion with all the 2006 Drama Monkeys and the happenings of Easter.

I'm still going to RCTC for band, which is the main activity of my day. The songs we have are alright. The only one I'm fond of is the "Pirates of the Caribbean" medley, but we still don't have it up to speed- which makes it a bit dull.

Other than that I don't do much during the day. I usually read, but that has become a problem since I've officially read every Diana Wynne Jone book at Barnes & Noble, except for one (which I'll probably go purchase within the week). That doesn't mean much, however, since the book selection at Barnes & Noble is atrocious and they only have about a fifth of the books Diana Wynne Jones has ever written. They also don't believe in carrying complete series and they often have a third of a trilogy in one part of the store and the other two thirds in a different part, which makes you believe that they don't carry the first book at all and would have to order it. I don't care for ordering books, or ordering anything in general. It always takes too long and then when you get whatever you've ordered there's something wrong with it. Anyway, I guess I'll go look for a new author to read.

Chemo is driving me insane. I despise being attached to the pump and being back on Oxaliplatin. My left had is now it a continual state of tingly-ness. I worry about it and wonder if this is permanent nerve damage, but Dr. Pitot doesn't seem to think much of it. However, they didn't think much of anything when this all started so I'm not much comforted by his lack of concern.

This brings about another point: Doctors do not follow straight paths of logic. You may defend the argument that this is a good thing: it is what allows them to come up with clever new treatments and such. This may be true, but I believe their deranged psychological processes are primarily used as an excuse for their intellectual shortcomings when they are addressing patients; in other words, they don't have the answers and will therefore come up with some complex (yet bullshit) reasoning for why they feel something should or should not be done in regards to the patient's health.

I recently experienced this and, for some reason, this instance is particularly bothering me. I think it was because for once I was going to my doctor's appointment with a plan. I knew what I wanted to have done: I wasn't going to be the stupid patient sitting on the bench hoping that someone else would make decisions for me.

I told Dr. Pitot I was considering hip surgery again. I told him I wanted to stop taking Avastin (the drug which causes bleeding and prevents "safe" surgery), continue taking Oxaliplatin (since that's the most important drug anyways), and possibly consider taking the alternative to Avastin, even if it would cause severe acne. I figured the gain in mobility after surgery would be worth a couple months of bad zits. I had thought of everything that would be worth considering before having surgery; I had even written it all down.

And I had it flung back in my face. "No, we don't want to do surgery on you."

Then, I start getting the crazy logic: "We won't do surgery on you, but maybe we should take you off the Avastin in case your femur does fracture. Oh, sure, you can be more active, unless there is pain." "How do I know if the pain is from the cancer or unused muscles?" "We don't know. So do you want to go on the alternative to Avastin?" "No! I don't want zits if I'm not getting anything out of it!" "But your femur could fracture and then we'll have a messy surgery with the Avastin in your system." "So why don't we do surgery now while I'm off the Avastin and can prevent a fracture from happening?" "Because we don't want to do surgery on you unless your femur does fracture." "What are the chances of my femur fracturing?" "We don't know. We've had some patients roll over in their sleep and had their femur fractures." "Great..."

Does this not make sense to anyone else!? They don't want to prevent a fracture yet they want to take steps to make surgery easier. This implies to me that they expect an eventual fracture. I'm still trying to fathom why they would want me to go through fracturing a femur. Ugh.

Oh, I guess I haven't really said why I've had the sudden interest in having surgery again. Of course, mobility is the reason, but the stronger desire for it is fueled by the fact that I'm going on vacation in Hawaii this June. Australia ended-up being a little far away and by going to Hawaii I can bring the rest of my immediate family with me, which is good since I think they could use a tropical vacation as well. I'm really excited for the trip. Actually, I'm really excited for summer to get here in general. It'll be nice having all my friends home; we already have plans to build a boat out of milk cartons to race in the Minneapolis Aquatennial. =D

I'm sorry this post had a lot of grumbling in it. I have a tendency to whine and make things sound worse than they probably are.

At least the weather is agreeable. I can't complain about that. The snow has finally melted...again. =P

~Cheryl