"Don't Cry Out Loud..."

I had started a post earlier this morning, but I temporarily lost internet connection and I had to leave for an appointment. That post was pretty enthusiastic, but my attitude has drastically changed over the course of the day. I guess this post will reflect that.

My day started with me getting up earlier than normal, getting breakfast, showering, and just bumming around. Actually, I was in a pretty decent mood since today I was scheduled for an MRI that would finally reveal what has been causing the pain in my hip, which I will now explain:

Earlier, in December, I had pain in my lower, right hip- more precisely in the socket area. Well, at the time, I believed it to be a pulled groin muscle. But the pain persisted and soon it was after Christmas and I was in the E.R. for severe cramping in my right thigh and the continued pain from my hip. X-rays were taken and it was determined to be just-a-muscle-thing. My chemo resumed after Christmas break and we related the story of my leg pain to Dr. Pitot. He also thought it was a just-a-muscle-thing. However, he later reviewed my previous CT-scans, which showed something funky in my femur head/socket area. He thought it might be AVN, which I don't really even know what that is, but it would have been caused by steroids I didn't know I had been taking. He decided that my chemo would proceed as normal and I would eventually get an X-ray of it when I got back from Florida or somewhere in that time frame.

Now back to today's explanation:

So my leg had been hurting and I have been walking around with a limp. Behind my back, Mom calls Dr. Pitot. Pitot decides that it is time for an MRI. I'm slightly excited because I have never had an MRI before and the machines of modern science fascinate me. I limp to my MRI, have the procedure done (that machine makes very interesting sounds), and afterwards I am told I can no longer walk and need a wheelchair. This slightly disturbs me. What disturbs me more is the fact that my 4 pm appointment with Dr. Pitot has been moved up to right after my MRI, which took place around noon. I'm wheeled to the tenth floor and Dad and I visit with Dr. Pitot.

As luck would have it, or maybe doesn't have it, the problem with my hip turned out to be more cancer, a cancer that is resistant to the chemotherapy treatments I've been having and that has devoured 70% of my femoral head on the right side.

I'm not allowed to put weight on that leg anymore. The options for treatment are:
1) Go with surgery right away to have the ball of my ball-and-socket removed and replaced with an artificial one as soon as the Avastin (chemo drug) has worn out of my system (which takes about six weeks to flush out of the body)
Pros) My leg won't fracture and cause more problems
Recovery time is fast: a couple of weeks
Cons) I'll be going down to Florida with a crutch/cane. Meh.
The whole surgery thing freaks me out.
I'll get another scar.
2) Use radiation therapy in hopes that it will be somewhat effective in re-calcifying the bone in my hip until the time when I have surgery/bone breaks.
Pros) It might help re-calcify my leg
Cons) It'll probably do nothing and my leg will eventually break
I'll still need surgery
I'll still get a scar
I'll still be going down to Florida with a crutch/cane
3) Do nothing
Pros) I'll continue with the chemo treatment I'm on, which seems to be effective in treating the rest of my cancer
Cons) My leg will break and it will be super painful
Surgery will not be half as tidy as it could have been
There will still be a scar
I'll still need to use a crutch/cane in Florida

As you can see, a lot of this revolves around how it will affect my Florida trip. I really don't want to go down there with a crutch/cane. There's no way I could keep up with the rest of the kids and do all the same activities. Plus, there's the risk that my femur will fracture while I'm down there, which would not be all that pleasant.

I'm really nervous about surgery. It scares me. But at least it's not dealing with major organs. Just bones. Just like it was just-a-muscle-thing and it was just constipation...Argh! What is it with people!? They've misdiagnosed me every time in relation to my cancer. First they thought it was constipation, which turned out to be colorectal carcinoma in an eighteen year old girl. Now it is just-a-muscle-thing that turns out to be colorectal carcinoma in a form that isn't responding to my current chemotherapy. Splendid. I'm glad I've won the freak lottery that keeps taking me down roads I never expected to be on. Not.

There's a poem that says all the things cancer can supposedly not do: "Cancer cannot silence courage, Cancer cannot corrode faith, Cancer cannot shatter hope..."
Let me tell you what: It can.
It stole away my first year at college and starting a new and exciting life. It stole my future. It stole away my dreams of being an old, crazy cat-lady with my best friend. And now it is stealing away from me something as simple as being able to go out dancing and running around with friends. What more could it take from me!? My life? Pfft. I'm already living without a purpose. I wake up every morning and there's nothing I have to do. I wake up just to go back to sleep most days. The life of luxury for some, a constant torment for others.

I'm always told about things I could join in. I could help with the high school musical, stay with band/choir at RCTC, tutor little kids or help with their classes at the elementary. But I don't feel like I belong; I know people are just letting me join in because they feel sorry for me. It's so stupid, and I know I'm full of self-pity, but I would give anything just to have to wake up early in order to go to class and take a test. I just want to be normal again. And I know there's no real definition of "normal," but I would love to be close to the stereotypical version, instead of some medical freak. I want to be able to move again without pain. I want to be able to wake up and not be screaming in my head that I can't wake up from this nightmare no matter how hard I try...

Well, dinner is ready and I don't feel like saying anymore. It'll just be more wallowing and you probably don't want to hear it.

"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings..."

~Cheryl