"So be strong tonight, remember who you are..."

Hi.

It has taken me a while to get this post up because I have been considering whether I wanted to reply to a comment on my last post.

I guess I would like to say a few things. The first is that I never said that God doesn't care. I said that I believed He did not care that we sinned, or was concerned that we sinned. I probably worded it poorly, but that is what I meant to say. So to repeat that: God cares, just not about little things, like sinning.

Another thing I wanted to say was that it bothered me that the comment was anonymous. It is like saying, "I will publicly announce my faith, but I will not sign my name to it because I don't have to since the majority shares my opinion." I sign my name to my public statements of faith, so I don't know why others won't do the same if they feel they need to contradict me.

The last analogy the commenter used really saddened me also. It related to the whole reason I had been mad at God before: I was mad because this whole mess seemed to be God's fault. I am diseased because of His "Master Plan." The analogy that a mother immunizes her baby and knows the temporary pain is for the better is like saying that because of God's "Master Plan," I have to be sick: It is "for the better" that I have cancer.

Well, if that is the case, then it is "for the better" that my recent chemotherapy has not been working, and possibly has not slowed the progression of my cancer at all. It will be "for the better" that I will be dead by December. I will die on some cold, winter day, because the pain of my disease, inflicted by God, will have taken over my body and taken me away from everybody I love. I will never dance or run again, but at least I'm part of God's stupid, stupid "Plan." I will never see spring again, or get married and have kids, or see my boyfriend graduate from high school or my brother from college. I will never have experienced college life. I won't see the next generation of my family, or even be a part of it. If this is like an immunization from God, then I'd rather face the disease of Life and not be a part of His "Master Plan."

I am sorry to attack the anonymous commenter, but this is how I feel. I edit and read through a post at least four or five times before I publish it on this blog because I want to be careful that I don't tread on people's feelings in any way. But it saddens me that people do not seem to do me the same courtesy when they comment on my posts.

On my other blog, I posted that I had come to peace with God and that I believe it is in no way His fault that I have cancer. The anonymous comment on this blog contradicted my belief and put the blame back on God, which made me angry, sad, and confused all over again.

I am so scared and I know people want to reassure me, but please consider that I may not share your exact beliefs and in your attempt at reassuring me, you are causing hurt.

The best blessing I have ever heard has come from the wonderful Pastor Mark. I attended a camp with him last year, and during that week every camper was shared this blessing: God loves and cares about you. It is such a simple phrase, but it sums it all up and leaves lots of room for an individual to grow and form their own specific beliefs. Thanks, Mark.

I guess I will end my rant there and fill you in with what's been going on.

I have had numerous scans within the last few weeks and they have shown that the cancer is steadily progressing. The frail condition my right femur was in earlier this year is now the condition my left femur is in. I was radiated last week, not only on my tailbone, but on my left femur as well. It was in no way fun because I did not have the great team of radiologists I usually have and I always had to lay in an uncomfortable position for at least twenty minutes while I was treated. Now I have to worry about my femur fracturing again, so I have ordered a light-weight walking stick to help me get around and take stress off my leg. The only benefit I have gotten out radiation is the relief of the pain in my hip, which was whole point of having radiation. So, mission accomplished, I guess.

I was not actually shown my last CT-scan, but I was told by Dr. Pitot that the chemo was not doing much of anything and that he is greatly concerned about the condition of my liver. We cancelled my chemo appointment for last Friday because there is no point in hurrying to get in for treatment. Pitot told me this is the point where I decide whether it is worth trying the last resort of treatment or give-up. It was a very long appointment, to say the least, with lots of tears from everyone- even Pitot's eyes were getting pretty red.

So this is what I have been facing: Start a weekly treatment of low dosages of the extremely nauseating CPT-11 and another drug that will give me a rash that makes me look like a leper or stop treatment all together and let nature take its course. Pitot has said this chemo treatment would probably have very little affect, if any. I have to decide whether the side effects are worth it or not.

And I have talked it over with my family and friends, and I have decided it is not in me to give up and I will fight until there is nothing left of me because I feel every extra minute I can have with the people I love is worth it, even if my face is covered in acne so bad that no one would ever touch me again. I don't care. I want to be with my family and friends as long as I can.

Classes have continued at RCTC. Band is wonderful and we have great songs. It is easily one of the best parts of my day; I can get lost in the music and not worry about the mess which is my life. Photography is interesting too, though I have recently been having problems with my camera and have therefore wasted two rolls of films. It's frustrating, but I'm getting a different camera tomorrow. Hopefully I can get my assignment done then.

My room is almost done being redecorated. The walls are a great shade of blue, my windows are covered with whimsical curtains, and my bed frame is modern and covered with a pretty, new comforter. All we have to do is hang my shelves and move my plants back into my room, along with my little trinkets. Oh, I have a new bookcase as well, which almost holds all my favorite books.

I guess that is all I would like to say for now. Again, I'm sorry to the anonymous commenter; this post was targeted at you and I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings. I understand you were just trying to make me feel better.

~Cheryl

P.S. I don't know how many of you have seen the movie "Spirit," the one with the horse, but I highly recommend you see it because it has brilliant music. I used a line from it as my post title again, but I would like to share the whole song with you because I feel it accurately expresses the emotions felt, not only in my situation, but by everyone who faces difficult challenges in life- which I guess is everybody, but especially those with fatal diseases and similar struggles. Enjoy.

"Sound the Bugle"- Bryan Adams

Sound the bugle now, play it just for me
As the seasons change, remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on, I can't even start
I've got nothing left, just an empty heart.

I'm a soldier, wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away...
Or leave me lying here.

Sound the bugle now, tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know, that leads to anywhere
Without a light, I fear that I will, stumble in the dark
Lay right down, decide not to go on.

Then from on high, somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, remember who you are
If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow.

So be strong tonight, remember who you are.
Yeah, you're a soldier now, fighting in a battle
To be free once more, Yeah, that's worth fighting for!