I'm not having surgery. I've gone off Avastin for six weeks for nothing. This morning I had a CT-scan and X-ray. Dr. Pitot looked at both and reported that my tumors are getting worse. The radiation did little for my femur. The tumors on my liver are re-growing. There are specs of cancer on my lungs that weren't there before. So I won't be having surgery. Instead I'm going back to having the full chemotherapy treatment. That means I'm on Oxaliplatin again. That was the only thing that was really keeping my cancer at bay anyways. So I'll be cold sensitive again and constantly vomitting. I'll also be back on the Avastin, which means that if I do randomly fracture my femur I'll have to deal with the bleeding/healing issues that come with being on Avastin. No surgery means my mobility will remain hindered. No dancing or running around. Having radiation on my femur makes it more delicate as time progresses, so I have to be more careful to not randomly fracture it. I don't know if I'll stay on Avastin or Oxaliplatin, but the alternatives include severe acne and hair-loss as side effects. It mostly depends on how long I can tolerate the Oxaliplatin. Or how long the cancer reacts to it. It won't react to it half as well as it did before; actually, none of the drugs will work as well as they did before. By taking a break from Avastin/Oxaliplatin, I've reduced their potential to fight my cancer. That's also why we're looking into different chemo drugs. I'm thinking of just quitting chemotherapy. It's not doing much in the long run anyways. Dr. Pitot says it probably only makes a difference of a few months. Which doesn't matter much. He says I'm realistically looking at a year tops now, maybe half a year without chemo. I don't think I'll be going to college in the fall. What's the point? I hate my life; I'm just living to die. I have no purpose and I hate how people always say that they wish they could take this away from me. It annoys me because we all know it can't be taken away. I'm stuck with it. The end. Stop trying to wish it away. And stop saying you'd rather have it than me because I don't want you to have it. In fact, go out and get your colonoscopies when you're supposed to. I would give anything to have been forced to get a colonoscopy when this all started so that the cancer would have just been a stupid little polyp that could be removed during the colonoscopy. That's how easy this cancer is to prevent!! But what do people do? They never schedule themselves for a colonoscopy. That's why colon cancer is the second top killing cancer in the United States: because people are too embarrassed to take the means to prevent it. Stupid people. Have you seen the commercial by the American Cancer Society on colon cancer? The one where the guy uses the mashed potatoes as an example of a colon and a pea as a polyp? He just stabs the pea and the polyp is gone. It really is that simple. So let's see: quick polyp removal via a colonoscopy or chemotherapy that makes you vomit and feel like crap until the day chemo no longer works and you die. I think I would rather take the first option. But no. I'm the freak case that got this cancer way too early and therefore wasn't offered a colonoscopy. I was given a laxative and a pat on the head to reassure me that it wasn't anything serious. And now I'm angry, sad, and frustrated and seriously contemplating using the money in my savings account to buy a one-way ticket to Australia and never coming back. I'll just disappear down there and let everyone assume I'm on a vacation that never ends. Then no one will have to see me in my continually pathetic state and maybe they'll remember me as the healthy girl who graduated at the top of her class and was heading off to college in Iowa.
I'm sick of writing. I don't feel like reporting on anything else either.
~Cheryl
20 comments:
Oh Cheryl. I would say I'm so sorry, but I'm sure you're tired of that. I like your idea of Australia though. If you know your days are numbered, I'd take a cue from that Tim McGraw song "Live like you were dying" Go for it and get as much out of what you've got. Go to Australia, go to Europe, go anywhere you want and have as good a time as you can while you're there. And I'm sure people will always think of you as the girl who graduated top in her class, I know I do :)
Emily M
Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. I know you need more than we can give, yet you're still thinking about how other people could be helped. That's one more reason we all love you.
The time you have given us is something we cherish deeply. I know you don't want anyone to see what you're going through, but most of us see your inner strength and courage. It doesn't really matter what "the others" see, because you don't know them anyway.
What we can give you pales in comparison to the light and spirit you've shown, but we would like the chance to support the path you choose.
I can't imagine what you're going through right now Cheryl, I really, really wish it wasn't you. :'( Emily has a point though, to live each day for the most, do the things you always wanted to do. If you ever need anything Cheryl, someone who'll listen or anything, don't hesitate to call me, ok? I love you Cheryl, stay strong.
Cheryl,
Was really wishing for better news for you – what a hard, disappointing day you've all had.
I went to a presentation a while back by one of the Cancer Center chaplains, Mary Feeley. It was on hope, but not Pollyanna at all. She talked about how hope means different things – not always a physical miracle, but the feeling from sharing, living as normally as you can, etc. Besides supporting lots of others with cancer, she’s had it herself (and you know how smart those people are). If you’d like to talk with her, just ask your doc to set up or stop in the Cancer Education Center. I think you’d like her, and sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who isn’t your regular pastor, etc. . .
Be good to yourself.
Marie E
Dear Cheryl
Please advise your arrival time in Brisbane so I can be there to collect you. Though the road ahead seems all uphill ... don't you give up! There is only one person in this world who can make you heal - you! I truly believe that chemotherapy and radiation are not the answer. Bring your Mum if she can afford to come with you - just let me know the time and date. We will help you as much as we can and then some. Love Deborah (Oz's Mum)
Life is not fair. In fact, I believe you've proven it can be downright rotten.
Thank you so much for taking the time to show us strength and courage in the face of adversity. Your unselfishness and wisdom are far greater than your years.
Cheryl,
I am so sorry to hear your news. If you want to stop writing, then don't write. Go wherever you want & do what you love. I know your family & loved ones want you with them as long as possible, but you must decide if chemo & its side effects are how you want to spend your days. I realize the doctors have given you a timeframe, but God is still the only one who knows when your time will come. I will always keep your advice in mind to get my colonoscopy. My grandma had colon cancer twice - once when she was young (about your age) & then again in her 60's. Go do the things you love. My prayers are with you always (literally daily).
Lots of love,
Sandy B.
So sorry to hear this evil turn of events..... we are praying for you, God Bless
I didn't leave a comment last night, Cheryl, because I didn't know what to say. But I learned something today over my lunch hour that I think is relevant. Have you ever been to San Fransisco? You know the "Rice-a-roni" cable cars? They are called cable cars, oddly, because they are pulled along by... cables! (go figure)... cables that are in the road. When they get to the end of the line, they go onto this big turn-table type thing, and these laborors turn the table, and hence the car, around so that they can go forward again. I think you can see where I'm headed with this. When you get to the end of your line, you need to turn-around so you can go forward again. It sounds like you're thinking the same thing: How to turn yourself around so you can go forward. I think that traveling sounds like a wonderful idea. I picture you someplace with a lot of beautiful music and art, and maybe some beaches. How about Europe? Stop by Ireland, and then make your way down to Paris, and stop at some Greek Islands. It must be a a tough decision to make: What are the priorities? Spending as much time as possible with family and friends? Absorbing new experiences? Taking comfort in the old, familiar? If I can help in anyway, please please let me know. I echo the other comments, that we have all learned so much about strength from you. I pray that you will have the strength to find joy for the rest of your earthly life, however long that may be, and the comfort that comes from faith in a life beyond this one. April H
Hi Deborah, please send me your email address. smtri@us.ibm.com
Cheryl,
There is still so much you can do to improve your health. It's all natural and much easier on the body. Read "World Without Cancer", the story of Vitamin B17. Look up Dr. Lorraine Day, she is a prominant orthopedic surgeon from California that cured her own breast cancer. There are thousands and thousands of stories on the internet of people who have done the same and they tell you how. Cancer is caused by a deficiency in your body, you have to take care of that deficiency. What the "Medical" doctors are telling you is just their opinion. Go get the opinion of a chiropractor or a homeopathic doctor. Just don't sit there and take it. Take charge and fix it with your power yourself.
Micki Anderson
Cheryl, I can't take away your pain or frustration or anger. The only thing I can offer are prayers of love, peace, strength, and your acceptance to deal with what has been thrown at you. I don't have the answers or the reasons why you have to be the one to suffer. No one can know what you are dealing with...but I (many of us) are here to listen....to cry with you, to give you hugs, to let you know how important you are, to converse with you...but we are here. You're not alone. You can be/should be proud of your accomplishments...and you need to celebrate those - however YOU want to. No holding back....take a vacation...go to Australia...find any place you've dreamed of going to and celebrate YOU. Dance YOUR dance...we'll all be dancing and clapping and singing right along with you.
- from someone who cares
I love you. I love you as a sister, a friend, a daughter(hehe).
Cheryl,
I am a colleague of your Aunt Linda. I have been following your journey but have not posted before. There are no words I have to suggest how to "be" in your position. I admire your courage and honesty that is evident in what you write. I believe you will find the path that is right for you, whether Australia (it is beautiful)or New York, or something else because you continue to seek meaning through this time. I pray tht you will experience an inner peace that passes all understanding in spite of the external turmoil you are experiencing.
Ann J
Cheryl,
It sounds like things are really stacking against you. I won't even pretend that I can relate to where your at or what your feeling right now. I can tell you that I've learned much from you and that you've touch my life. You opened up your prior post with " Hello America" then retracted with "so my blog isn't really that popular", well Cheryl it quietly is touching people all over the world. I know for a fact that you are touching people all over the world. Your words have helped others put many situations into perspective including soldiers over in Europe. I half expected to see a post letting you know just how far you voice carries. Everyone can see the strength in your words.
There is talk of days numbered, ALL our days are numbered, some just have a better idea than others on what that number is and the ones that know aren't necessarily the ones with the fewest days. I know the pain and sickness are limiting.
I pray that God, your huge inner strength, and your creativity guides you to making the most of each day. You are touching the world and you have touched mine.
Thank you!
Tim C.
Cheryl~
Everything I could say, you have already heard and probably won't make you feel any better. Now is the time that you stop worrying about anyone else but yourself. I think you need to go to anywhere you have ever wanted to travel and take pictures and write about your travels along the way. Document this last journey, so that your family and anyone else you wish to share it with can be comforted in the idea that your end was not laying hooked up to tubes, but rather your final hurrah to your life. And remember, dying isn't necessairly the end, but the beginning of annother adventure, whether you are christian, nothing or something else I believe that when you die you don't dissappear but you live on in the memories and thoughts of others. Cheryl I hope you go to Austrailia and I hope you doccument your final days and I know that I and many others will miss you dearly. Go have fun and live for yourself. I love you Cheryl and I will miss you.
Kelby D. Hackler
Cheryl -- you made a difference in my life. I had a colonoscopy a few weeks ago. The Dr. told me to have it when I was 50, but I didn't want to go through the perceived hassle. Then I looked at your blog and thought...what am I avoiding anyway? I made my husband have one also.
Listen up everyone! It's no hassle at all. Comparing it to what Cheryl is going through makes it obvious that even if it seems a little icky --it's definitely nothing to avoid. You have a clear liquid diet for 24 hours prior to the procedure (that includes jello, broth, soda, koolaid etc). Then there are a few hours in the evening doing the prep to cleanse your bowel. For me, it was all over by 9 AM on Monday and I don't need to be screened for 10 more years. You need someone to drive you to/from the procedure and you have to take the rest of the day off from work.
I'm 52 years old, my husband is 59. We've had our colonoscopies. How many of you blog readers can say that? If you're young -- talk to your parents or your grandparents about them having one. This is one thing you can do for Cheryl, as well as for yourself and the people who love you.
Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver
And precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty."
Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull."
Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the Hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me."
After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter, "and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.
At the second tree the woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.
When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this one," and he cut it down.
When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.
The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.
The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.
The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.
Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and
They placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event
and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.
Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He stood and said "Peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.
Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.
The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts.
Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined.
We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.
Read and trust God's word, don't expect to find true happiness on Earth.
This life may be a taste of hell, but with faith and grace, your next life will paradise.
May your day be blessed. And until we meet again, may God cradle you
in the palm of His hand.
Love and prayers from Tri cousins.
Cheryl-
I think Kelby had it right. You should go out and live your life the way you want to. I also agree with the fact the end isn't always the end. I wish the best for you and hope that you share your journeys with us. Oh, and don't worry, we will always think of you as the girl that graduated from Dover-Eyota High School, was in the drama club and was off to Iowa.
A random testimonial I found on the internet about alternative cancer therapies....
Hello Again,
I am reading about women in their second bouts of cancer...I am also reading women telling other women to "do what your doctor tells you to do."
Again...I am telling women to PLEASE SEEK OUT ALTERNATIVE METHODS OF CURING CANCER. THE CANCER CURE RATES HAVE NOT IMPROVED SINCE THE 1950S WITH ALL THE "CHEMOTHERAPY RESEARCH AND RADIATION USED ON MILLIONS OF WOMEN." THESE METHODS SIMPLY DO NOT WORK--AND IN FACT OFTEN KILLS OFF WHITE BLOOD CELLS, THE VERY NATURAL CELLS THAT KILL CANCER CELLS.
Please do you your own research. Look up: Cancer and Vitamin C, Lysine, Proline, L-Glutamine, Arginine, Reishi Mushroooms, Shitaki Mushrooms, and "clinical grade" Shark Cartilage. Email me if you need more information. I am not selling anything, or any products. Each one of these vitamins, amino acids, and alternative therapies assists the body on a cellular on a molecular level to "kill" cancer. This is not a mystery, and there is excellent research as to why this combination works.
Other helpful vitamins and minerals are Omega 3,6,9 fatty acids, B complex, copper, Grape Seed Extract, Vitamin A, and others.
I am a researcher, and cured my own cancer. I am living proof and there is excellent peer-reviewed research that can be found on the Internet. I had a double mastectomy after having been diagnosed with a 50-cent size tumor in my right breast. It has been 14 months with no cancer cells in my blood found to date... as verified by a test (Veridex-CTX). I am in excellent health.
Please do not just listen to your doctor, they mean well, but are trained in "single mode" therapies. Your physician, and oncologists are not trained in nutrition, or alternative therapies. None of the above listen alternative research is harmful. You have nothing to lose, but your health....
My best,
Diana Wilson Ph.D.
DWilsonTx@yahoo.com
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