"Time flies, always remember you're with me wherever I go..."

Hola!

Wow. Time goes by fast. Only the other day did I have the realization that I was soon leaving for Hawaii. Several people have asked me if I was packed and ready to go, but I hadn't even started since I kept imagining the trip as always being in the distant future. However, I am now mostly packed and will be ready to fly away tomorrow. I'm really excited! This trip is going to be awesome. There will definitely be many pictures posted when I get back. =)

In recent news, my brother (Greg) graduated from high school. So on June 2nd we celebrated his graduation and his birthday, which was also that day. It was fun. He had a really good turn out for his party; some friends that I hadn't seen in a while even showed up, so I got to visit a lot with them too. June 3rd was Greg's graduation ceremony. It went well; there were some good speeches and it kept moving right along so we didn't have to sit there all day and listen to who got what scholarship. Greg actually got a pretty cool scholarship called the National Scholar/Athlete award from the Army Reserve. It's awarded to one boy and one girl who have participated in two sports during their senior year (or maybe throughout all of high school) and maintained a certain grade point average. He got a big medal for it, so it's pretty nifty.

Yesterday my family abandoned me to go to Iowa.

Okay, they didn't really abandon me. They left for Greg's orientation at Iowa State University in Ames. It's a two day process, so they spent the night down there. Greg's orientation is kind-a bittersweet for me. I'm super glad he's going off and getting his life started, but at the same time it reminds me that I went through a similar process and then had it all blasted away at the last second. It sucks, it really does. And then I have a couple friends who are home from school and I hear them start to complain about boredom and how they miss being off at college. Some days I come so close to telling them they do not even come close to comprehending what true boredom is. I have spent an entire year doing nothing. I would wake up in the morning and find there was no point in waking up: I had nothing I needed to do. Most people think, "Oh, she's lucky. It's like a long term vacation." No. It's not. On vacation, you have other people with you partaking in enjoyable activities. What I had was an empty house, albeit my dad was home most of the time, but he had to work so his company was minimal. So, as a warning, if I hear you say you're bored or I see it as your status on Facebook, I may hunt you down and slap you.

Anyways, enough ranting.

So while my family was gallivanting in Ames, I got to hang out with my friends. Yesterday we went to the mall and had makeovers done at the Clinique in Macy's (thanks, Anna!). It was an interesting experience; it was helpful seeing someone who knows what they're doing put makeup on you so that you may know how to do it properly in the future. After our makeovers we got lunch and loitered at the mall for an hour or so. At this point we decided a sleepover would be fun even though we all had to get up early this morning. But, being the crazy teens we are, we did it anyways. We all met at my house (keep in mind this is four sensible girls hanging out, not some crazy mixed-gender fiesta celebrating the absence of my parents) and mostly just sat around and talked. Ann and Laura had brought their laptops along so we had a big music swap, which was great because now I have lots of new songs to listen to on my MP3 player as I fly to Hawaii. After song-swapping we had some food and watched Mitch Hedberg and Bill Engvall on TV; both of them are pretty funny comedians, so we got some good laughs out of that. As I said before, time flies and by this time it was already about 1 a.m., so we threw some blankets down in my living room and went to bed. Everyone successfully got up on time this morning, and hopefully will have enough energy to get through their day.

This morning I had to get up to play for jazz band at the high school. Mr. Anderson, the high school band director, said they would be short some saxophones for a gig they have on July 3rd in Dover and asked if I would be willing to play with them. Due to my band-nerd nature, I agreed and therefore had to be at the high school at 7:30 a.m. for a practice. To my disappointment, hardly anyone was there (I was the only sax player) since today is the last day of school and people were either off cramming last minute facts into their brains or being lazy bums (my money is on them being lazy bums). But the practice was still fun; I haven't played jazz band tunes in over a year and it was refreshing playing something other than concert pieces.

Now I must tell about the highlight of my day. I was driving home from Eyota when all the wonderfulness began. First, I finally figured out how to use the cruise control on the Honda. I know, it's pathetic, but I was happy. I turned up the radio, browsed for the country stations that are broadcast out of boondock towns, and found one that was playing some good old tunes from the 90's (music from that decade will always beat the new contemporary stuff). So happiness was abounding and the sun was shining as I turned at the Conoco gas station by my house. I went along the curvy road and was just about to turn off onto my road when a deer leaped out of the ditch. Luckily I had seen it before it decided to cross the road, so I had easily stopped in time. So I sat waiting for it to scurry off, musing over the fact that I hadn't seen a deer up close like this during the day in my car ever before; however, the deer was not scurrying off. It was looking straight at me and then looking back at the other side of the road. At first I thought, "Oh no. This is one of those dumb deer who like to play mind games and frolic back and forth across the road." But then I saw why it hadn't run away: Out of the grass steps a tiny fawn. Oh. My. Gosh. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen. It was only came up to about my knee and was covered in spots. I couldn't believe how small it was. The fawn took a couple steps out on the road and then wasn't sure if it was really allowed to cross, so it's mother came back to retrieve it and they crossed the road together. I wish I had my camera with me. It was so adorable! I watched the two walk into the woods and then continued the last bit of my journey home. But wait, there's more! To top it all off, a pair of bluebirds flew over my car before I pulled into my driveway. There is no possible way the day could get any better.

And so far, it hasn't, though it's still going pretty good. There was actually something of an incident, but that just resulted in me fretting a little and taking a tour of Marion Road (which is actually kind-a fun; Marion is a pleasant road). I think everything is resolved and will be okay, so no big deal. =)

Now I'm just chilling at home. I put away blankets and some dishes from the sleepover and will soon start loading the new songs I got onto my MP3 player. After that I'll probably go through what I've packed so far and make sure I have everything. I'm the most concerned about having everything for my cameras (yes, plural- I'm a geek), so I'll go through and check that I've packed all the necessary cords and accessories. That will also include determining how I will be transporting said cameras in my carry-on and what else needs to be packed in that bag to keep me entertained and happy (or as happy as you can be on a long flight).

I think that's about it. All I can think to say is that the weather man is saying we're in for some dreary weather here and that I'm glad to be leaving it behind tomorrow (unless of course the weather becomes violent and causes flight delays, which would stink). So, yay!

I'll be sure to post something when I get back, though it might be a little while after I get back since I'll be thrown into having chemo and appointments as soon as I return: The Clinic waits for no man! But there will be a post sooner or later.

Oh, I really wanted to show people this. For Greg's birthday/graduation I drew him a picture on my computer with the drawing tablet I bought. I thought it turned out really well and I just got it printed out for him at Ritz Photos a couple days ago. It's really cool seeing the work I did on the computer on a nice sheet of photo paper. So here it is, my art which is currently called "Ode to Greg" (until a better name is found):


And that's all the news I have to report, so I'll see you all when I get back from Paradise. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

P.S. Some of my friends asked me to start posting the song title to the song I make reference to in my post title. Here it is: "Time Flies" inspired by Mer Noire from Cirque du Soleil's Delirium

"Sound the bugle now, play it just for me..."

Yesterday I had my last round of chemotherapy before I go to Hawaii. I'd like to say it went well, but in many ways, it did not.

It was really nice having my friends Laura and Ann come with me, instead of my parents. I managed to stay awake and we attempted to do crossword puzzles. For Lent, Ann and her college roommate made hats to donate to chemo patients, so between the two, there were about thirty-six really nice hats (a couple of them were too small for adult heads). Though it's summer, I know chemo patients like seeing all the hats available to them in the baskets: it means someone cares. Like I had said in my previous post, we had attempted to make stuffed animals this week. Laura had made a lamb, which she donated to the chemo ward. It's a pretty cute stuffed animal lamb, and every once in a while, a kid has chemo at the Gonda instead of the children's hospital, so I'm sure the lamb will get taken home.

So that was went well. Now for what didn't go so well:

First off, my drugs were late. They always take forever to get ordered; I have no idea why. So I finally began getting infused with Avastin. That went fine, so we moved on to the first half of my calcium/magnesium infusion (for some reason you get half an hour's worth before the Leucovorin/Oxaliplatin and another half hour's worth afterwards). There were no problems with that either. Next was supposed to be Leucovorin and Oxaliplatin, simultaneously. I wasn't paying too much attention, so I didn't notice the nurse had only hooked me up to Leucovorin and had left me infused to the the calcium/magnesium until half an hour later. I pointed it out and the problem was corrected; however, it meant that I was going to be at the Clinic for an extra hour and that it would be later in the day on Sunday when I could be de-accessed from my chemo pump. I much prefer getting de-accessed in the morning, so I can shower right away and start feeling like a normal person. But this Sunday, I won't be done with the pump until 2:30 PM. Meh.

This isn't all that went wrong, though.

I began the Oxaliplatin infusion. At one point, I got up and started coughing a lot. I thought, "This is strange. That tickle is back in my throat." During my last round of chemo, I had a tickle in my throat, but I thought that was because I had been getting over a cold. I wasn't coughing up anything, so I wasn't too concerned: maybe the air in the Clinic was dry? But then my eyes started to itch, really itch. Ann said I should probably tell the nurse. I was also starting to get really hot inside. We caught the attention of one of the nurses and she was like "Uh-oh," and left to grab a small group of nurses to examine me. Then all of a sudden, a doctor who works with Dr. Pitot (my oncologist), was asking me the same questions the nurses had been drilling me with. I know the symptoms of an allergic reaction to Oxaliplatin, but I didn't think that this was it because I had been told a rash or very red face was associated with it. The doctor asked me if I had a rash anywhere, so I looked at my arms and legs and the doc checked my back. No rash there. Thank God Ann and Laura spoke-up because it turns out the rash was on my face and the doctor had thought that was just my normal complexion. Once I could look in the mirror, I couldn't believe it because it looked like I had just broken out with severe acne. I thought, "How could someone not notice this!?" My friends thought it was because it had come on gradually. I guess that makes sense, but I still would have thought one of the nurses would have noticed it sooner since I'm in there so often. Oh well. They pumped me with lots of Benadryl and my complexion was soon back to normal and I was floating on a cloud of happiness and sleepiness. Oh, they stopped infusing me with Oxaliplatin too.

Which brings about my next point:

That was my last round of Oxaliplatin. The coughing, itchy eyes, and rash were my body's way of saying, "That's enough. We can't take this anymore." I knew this would come sooner or later, but I thought it would be later. I actually thought I was going to run out of mental patience before my body spoke up. C'est la vie.

Now why would I not be rejoicing about not having to take any more of the evil drug that makes me cold sensitive and extremely nauseous? Because so far it has been the only drug that has been fighting my cancer and now I can't take it anymore. The FOLFOX treatment (the treatment I was on with Avastin/Leucovorin/Oxaliplatin/5-FU) is the front line treatment for colon cancer, which means it's the strongest and most effective. Since I've now built up a sensitivity to Oxaliplatin, I'll have to move on to a second line drug to replace it.

I have not discussed this much with Dr. Pitot, but I think the drug we are going to have to use now is called Irinotecan. It has a whole new bunch of side effects, including hair loss. I don't really want to lose my hair. I had joked about it before, but I think that's because it was in the winter and that meant that I could wear nice fluffy hats all the time and that wouldn't be so bad. Now I'll have to figure out something else to keep my head from burning in the summer while I go swimming. I don't think you go swimming with scarves on and stuff. Plus, I have no idea how to tie scarves or look good in hats. The only positive I'm seeing thus far is that I may not have to shave my legs anymore.

But it just scares me that I have to switch drugs. What if Irinotecan doesn't work? I'm getting scared and I'm worried that's going ruin on my Hawaii trip, just knowing that I have to wait until I get back to have my scans and talk with Dr. Pitot. Three and a half weeks is a long time to wait. I don't want to have my hair fall out and suffer through new side effects at the peak of summer, when all my friends are home, and all I want to do is be outside and have fun. =(

So that's my news. The nurses said I was actually pretty lucky: a story perfect case of building a sensitivity to Oxaliplatin. Some people just all of a sudden can't stand it anymore and have their throats swell shut from the allergic reaction and they can't breathe. I guess I'd opt for how I had to deal with it, with the only real inconveniences being the itchy eyes and tickle in my throat.

But like I said, I don't really have anything new to report. Later today I have a graduation party to go to for a bit, but then I'm probably coming home and doing nothing.

I'll report when I have something new and exciting.

"Let's roll the windows down, turn the radio up..."

Hi.

Today we got a door. It's a fairly pretty door; I like it better than the old one. It does, however, make the front entrance smell odd which, combined with the fact that I have been reading all day, is starting to give me a headache. I just felt like getting that out there.

I think I'll say what I've been up to in reverse order of events:

Like I said, today I have been reading. I finished a book called Night Watch by Terry Pratchett (Little, I finally read it and will somehow get it back to you- or get you a new one since this one has been forced to live in my room for so long). It was a good read. The plot took a bit longer to get going than most Pratchett books, but it was good once it got rolling. After I finished Night Watch, I read Stardust by Neil Gaiman. I read that book about a year or so ago and had stowed it under my bed. Then I went to a movie this Mother's Day and started to watch a preview, the whole time thinking, "This sounds a lot like Stardust by Neil Gaiman..." I even said so to Ben. The preview hit its dramatic conclusion and lo-and-behold, it was Stardust! My first thought was, "I don't remember the book being so action-packed... I'll have to reread it." So I accomplished that today. The first time I read Stardust I thought it was a decent book, but I think I liked it better the second time through. This may be because the last time I read it I had just finished a not-so-humorous book (one of those modern epic deals) and was not in the right frame of mind. But this time I had just finished a book by Pratchett, a satirical author, and therefore caught a lot more of the humor and cheeriness that was in Stardust.

But enough about books, on to other news...

Most of my friends are home from school now. It's great having them back. We've already gotten together a few times and hung out- lots of fun to be had. The other day a couple of us made stuffed animals (don't know why, but we did). The project only went to prove that I am not meant to be a master of sewing. Maybe the sewing machine didn't like me. I don't know. I have never really had a knack for sewing, same goes for cooking. Oh well.

The milk carton boat project is coming along slower than I would like. None of the group members are decisive enough to say what kind of boat we should be building. You would think coming up with an idea for a crazy boat would be easy, but it's not. We've had ideas range from a whale to the Millennium Falcon (which we are not doing, Connor and Jase). Hopefully mental lightning will strike someone soon and the perfect idea will emerge and we'll get started on construction.

Again, moving in reverse order, graduation at RCTC went rather well. The whole ordeal was kept moving, so we didn't have to sit around too terribly long or play "Pomp & Circumstance" too many times. Our performance a half hour prior to graduation went really well too. It was fun playing in a big space: it means you can play loud and sound will be too distorted for anyone to notice if you make any mistakes.

I think that's about it for the reverse order. Oh, for Mother's Day I gave Mom a trio of photographs I had photoshopped a bit on my computer. One photo was of a butterfly, the other of three tulips, and the last one was of a rose. The rose one turned out the best so I've displayed it below:


Tomorrow I go to see Pirates of the Caribbean III with my friends. I expect this movie to be the best one of the trilogy, and hopefully I won't be disappointed.

Friday I have my last round of chemo before I go to Hawaii. Though I would just as soon not have chemo, it'll be nice to get three weeks off from it afterward. I think some of my friends are coming with me to this treatment. It'll be nice to have them along, I think. Hopefully they won't get too bored: I don't think they understand how long this process really takes. My goal is not to fall asleep on them when I actually start treatment. It's really hard to stay awake sometimes, and most times I don't even bother to try: I figure it's easier to sleep and not contemplate that when that part of the treatment is done I still have 48 hours of it left. But this time I'll try to stay awake.

My general health seems pretty good right now. I've been slacking on stretching, and I really need to start doing it more. I don't have an excuse for not doing it, other than being lazy.

When I get back from Hawaii, I'm scheduled to have a CT-scan. Hopefully we'll see good things.

I've just remembered something else I've been up to: gardening. I cleaned out my garden (with the help of my aunt) and got everything that I wanted planted. Mom and I went to HyVee recently, though, and I ended up getting a few more plants: pink phlox, poppies, spiderwort, and lantana. I love these plants and will proceed with a rather disconnected paragraph commenting on each one: Garden phlox always smells so good when it blooms later in the summer. I've tried multiple times to get spiderwort to grow in my garden, but it has yet to take; maybe this will be the year. One summer I saw a huge lantana plant and have always wanted one since; it may be an annual (my goal is to eventually have a helter-skelter garden of perennials), but it's pink and yellow blooms are too gorgeous to pass up. And I don't really know why I got poppies. I think it may have something to do with my obsession with the musical Wicked and how that is connected to The Wizard of Oz, which supports a scene filled with poppies.

Speaking of musicals, I have decided that I am going to try out for RCTC's musical this coming fall. My goal is to be healthy and flexible enough that I can audition and get a decent part (which would probably be any part at all- I just want to be a part of a drama program). Rumor has it that the musical is going to be Tommy. For those of you who are not familiar with The Who, Tommy is about "a deaf, dumb, blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball." The musical itself isn't really one of those happy-go-lucky-Andrew-Lloyd-Webber-type musicals, but I think it'd be an interesting experience. Monday I was looking online for info about the musical and was checking the vocal ranges of the characters. I saw the Acid Queen part was written for altos, so I go to Youtube.com and watch "Acid Queen" from the Tommy movie. Tina Turner played the Acid Queen in the movie. My voice does not sound like Tina Turner's. Not even a little bit. So my chances of getting a supporting role depend on whether I can get my voice into mezzo soprano shape with a rock-and-roll sound and my confidence kicked up quite a few levels. Expect to see me in the background. Or the orchestra pit, if there is an orchestra pit...

I think that's all the news I have. I hope everyone has a good Memorial Day weekend.

~Cheryl

"I wanna wrap the moon around us..."

Good morning!

I'm going to try to keep this post relatively short because I'd like to go enjoy the nice weather outside before I have band practice.

The other day I cleaned my room for the first time since we got Claire. Needless to say, it really needed it. I opened my windows, aired the room out, and began the tedious process of sorting through clothes. I ended up giving a lot of them up, especially sweaters and pants. The sweaters I wasn't going to wear anymore (since I had them in storage all this winter and didn't even notice I didn't have them) and the pants simply don't fit. I shrunk and now they're all too big. Thankfully a couple still fit and I have a few new pairs to replace them. After all my clothes were put away and the rest of the room picked up, I got a few lilac clippings from our bushes and brought them into my room. Now my room smells fresh and scented with lilacs. =)

Band at RCTC is wrapping up. I had a practice last week (which was a joke) and another one today (which will also probably be a waste of time). We're practicing "Pomp & Circumstance," and a rather lame version at that. I'll probably be the only saxophone playing at graduation and I'm not even enrolled at RCTC. Graduation is tomorrow night. I would really rather not play since it is my last free night before having another round of chemo (scheduled for this Friday morning). Meh.

Yesterday my friend Ann and I bummed around town. It was fun. She picked up some herbs and then we tried to find the Mayowood mansion; however, the road we took was closed partway down, so we didn't get to see it. After that we ran to the recycling center to ask about milk jugs. As it turns out, we can take as many plastic milk jugs from there as we want, so we're pretty much set for the quantity of milk jugs we need. We'll still take any that people save for us, but what we really need is milk cartons. Or juice cartons that are the same size and shape as milk cartons since they'll be painted anyways. So...

Please save your half-gallon milk/juice cartons and give them to us.

Oh, and remember to rinse them out first. We don't want smelly ones. =P

I think that's pretty much it. I'm going to go ride my bike a bit and enjoy the sun. =D

Wait, I remembered one more thing. I found this site, http://www.thedeepbook.org/, on the i-am-bored.com site and thought it was pretty neat. It has a whole bunch of pictures of deep sea creatures, really deep sea creatures. It's just fascinating how weird some of these creatures look. I thought some of you might enjoy that.

Okay, now I'm going outside. =D

~Cheryl

Got Milk??

Aloha!

It is definitely time for a new post. I would have had one up earlier this week, but chemo made me feel icky and I decided to wait until I was in a better mood. Spare everyone another disgruntled post. =)

This last weekend was DE high school's performance of "Anything Goes." I think it went quite well and there was a good audience turnout. I got to sit backstage and help with make-up and such. It was fun, even though at the time I was hooked up to my chemo pump. Oh well. It provided me with a good distraction.

Oh, this last week (Wednesday and Thursday) was my final concert with RCTC for the semester. Coincidentally, the theme was "Anything Goes" and it was a pretty fun concert. The band songs went well and it was fun watching the choir, Aires, and jazz band perform. The jazz band was awesome. They had a ballad that featured an amazing solo trumpeter; I don't know what the name of it was, but I'd have to say that was my favorite piece.

And now I'd like to send out a BIG thank-you to the following: Phillipa, Pete, Mark, Greg, Mike, Bill & Jodi, Bryan, Amy, Dave, Rich, Sam, David, John, Steve, Patrick, Naresh, Jim, Dan, Kathy, Henry, Brad, Jeff, and the other IBM-ers who gave spending money for my Hawaii trip. Thank you so much. It will definitely be put to good use. I'll be sure to put up pictures of what it was put towards once I get back from the trip. =D

In my last post I said that I was meeting with a physical therapist to start conditioning my leg. Well, his view is that we'll just condition all of me so that by the end of twelve weeks I'll be "so fit I won't be able to stand myself." =D Yes, that's a direct quote from him. He's an awesome guy and has provided me with lots of stretches and exercises to strengthen everything that has weakened during my treatment. I really like that his view is "No pain, all gain" instead of "No pain, no gain." He doesn't want me hurting, so all my exercises are gradual (lasting only about fifteen minutes). That really works well for me since I can go out and walk or ride my bike for a little bit or stretch a little while I'm watching TV and I know I'm doing something to help myself. It doesn't make it seem like a chore. What's great is that I usually walk or ride my bike a couple times a day, so it adds up to about a half hour worth of exercise- which is the recommended daily amount of exercise for a person anyways. It's hard to tell if I'm getting stronger, since chemo throws me into a fit of weakness at about the time you'd be able to tell if you were improving or not, but I think I am. I'm walking more often without a limp and it's getting easier for me to get my socks on, so I figure I'm improving.

Before this post gets too long, I'd like to get a couple things out there:

The first is that Mr. Little is having a book signing this Saturday, May 5, at The Book Review, located in the Hillcrest Shopping Center, from 10 am-2 pm. If you haven't purchased a copy of his book (The Centurion: The Balance of the Soul War), this would be the perfect time to pick up a copy, meet the author, and have your copy signed. If you want more information, check out Little's website (there's a link in my sidebar for this blog) and just follow the links to his blog. Everything you could want to know, including directions to The Book Review, are located in his weblog.

Secondly, I have a very odd, yet highly important, request:

Please save your milk cartons/jugs and give them to me!

That's right. I want your milk cartons/jugs. Do not throw them away and/or recycle them, no matter what their size or shape! A group of friends and I are entering the Minneapolis Aquatennial Kemp's Milk Carton race. That means we need lots of milk cartons/jugs in order to build a boat that we will race in Lake Calhoun on July 15. I know, we're crazy, but with the people we have on our team I seriously think we could kick some butt and win some prizes. So, please, please, please, donate your milk cartons/jugs to our cause. All I ask is that you wash them out before you give them to me. I don't really care to store a bunch of cartons/jugs filled with sour milk. =P

There. I think I have everything said that I wanted to say. Unless I'm forgetting something. In which case I'm sorry I forgot it and maybe I'll post it later when I remember what it is I've forgotten. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"Lost in this moment with you, I am completely consumed..."

Hola!

Well, I have just about the best news ever and it must be shared with the world:

Today I had a doctor's appointment to review X-rays of my femur and to figure out what the next course of action would be. After a forty-five minute wait, my hip doctor/surgeon (Dr. Sims) decided to show up and we viewed my X-rays. To say the least, they looked good. Really good. I think they even surprised Dr. Sims. Between having radiation and chemotherapy, what was once a dark and cancerous looking femur is now an area that is glowing a healthy white. Calcium and healthy bone cells are returning to my femural head and neck. Dr. Sims says my femur can tolerate weight and there is no risk that it will randomly fracture.

My posture, however, is a little poor since I had started limping to compensate for previous pain. So tomorrow I start meeting with a physical therapist in order to regain flexibility and normal movement. I'm glad Dr. Sims set me up with someone to work with on that. I was worried they were just going to say, "Congratulations. Now go off and do some stretching or something and you'll be back to normal eventually." But now I'll have someone to show me what stretches and exercises will benefit me most and I can work on not just regaining strength in my one leg, but my overall endurance. I'll be able to keep up with everybody again!! Clogging is in my future!!! =D (Clogging is that hillbilly tap dance stuff I told you about before.)

So this has pretty much been one of the best days of my life as of late. I got up this morning, lounged around, then Mom and I went shopping before my appointment. We made a trip to Michael's (craft store) so I could get some new paint. I have old, cheap bottles of acrylic sitting here at home and I definitely needed a new tube of white. Next we went to Panera for lunch. All I can say is: Fufu berry. That's right. Fufu berry. Go forth to the nearest Panera and try a Fufu berry Jones soda. It is amazing. So then I had my appointment and started crying for joy. Afterwards we rushed over to RCTC for the remaining bit of band practice. It wasn't all that exciting. We played "Hands Across the Sea" (evil Sousa) again, "Billboard March" (why must we play marches...!?), and the "Pirates" medley. I realized I need to work on a section of "Pirates"; there is some crazy triplet/tercet action going on in that song that needs to be practiced up to full speed. And finally I got to enjoy the beautiful day. I took all my paints and supplies outside and painted in the sun. Later Mom and I took the puppies on a walk, ate dinner, and went to a free concert at RCTC.

The concert was really fun. It was a group called Arvel Bird and One Nation. They performed contemporary Native American pieces, which was quite interesting. Arvel was an amazing fiddle player who had studied classical violin for eleven years and then went around exploring all different types of music, so no matter what he played it sounded superb. The group's guitarist was something else too. Definitely a very talented musician. Here's their website: http://www.arvelbirdandonenation.com/ Check it out and listen to "Mother Earth". The lyrics aren't all that creative, but the instrumental aspects of the song are worth listening to.

And I guess that is about it in news. I think I'll finish up this post so I can go eat my delectable slice of Oreo DQ blizzard cake. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"But come ye back when summer's in the meadow..."

Hey.

I guess it's about time to update my blog.

Life continues to plod along. I can't say anything of extreme interest has happened to me since my last post, except for a reunion with all the 2006 Drama Monkeys and the happenings of Easter.

I'm still going to RCTC for band, which is the main activity of my day. The songs we have are alright. The only one I'm fond of is the "Pirates of the Caribbean" medley, but we still don't have it up to speed- which makes it a bit dull.

Other than that I don't do much during the day. I usually read, but that has become a problem since I've officially read every Diana Wynne Jone book at Barnes & Noble, except for one (which I'll probably go purchase within the week). That doesn't mean much, however, since the book selection at Barnes & Noble is atrocious and they only have about a fifth of the books Diana Wynne Jones has ever written. They also don't believe in carrying complete series and they often have a third of a trilogy in one part of the store and the other two thirds in a different part, which makes you believe that they don't carry the first book at all and would have to order it. I don't care for ordering books, or ordering anything in general. It always takes too long and then when you get whatever you've ordered there's something wrong with it. Anyway, I guess I'll go look for a new author to read.

Chemo is driving me insane. I despise being attached to the pump and being back on Oxaliplatin. My left had is now it a continual state of tingly-ness. I worry about it and wonder if this is permanent nerve damage, but Dr. Pitot doesn't seem to think much of it. However, they didn't think much of anything when this all started so I'm not much comforted by his lack of concern.

This brings about another point: Doctors do not follow straight paths of logic. You may defend the argument that this is a good thing: it is what allows them to come up with clever new treatments and such. This may be true, but I believe their deranged psychological processes are primarily used as an excuse for their intellectual shortcomings when they are addressing patients; in other words, they don't have the answers and will therefore come up with some complex (yet bullshit) reasoning for why they feel something should or should not be done in regards to the patient's health.

I recently experienced this and, for some reason, this instance is particularly bothering me. I think it was because for once I was going to my doctor's appointment with a plan. I knew what I wanted to have done: I wasn't going to be the stupid patient sitting on the bench hoping that someone else would make decisions for me.

I told Dr. Pitot I was considering hip surgery again. I told him I wanted to stop taking Avastin (the drug which causes bleeding and prevents "safe" surgery), continue taking Oxaliplatin (since that's the most important drug anyways), and possibly consider taking the alternative to Avastin, even if it would cause severe acne. I figured the gain in mobility after surgery would be worth a couple months of bad zits. I had thought of everything that would be worth considering before having surgery; I had even written it all down.

And I had it flung back in my face. "No, we don't want to do surgery on you."

Then, I start getting the crazy logic: "We won't do surgery on you, but maybe we should take you off the Avastin in case your femur does fracture. Oh, sure, you can be more active, unless there is pain." "How do I know if the pain is from the cancer or unused muscles?" "We don't know. So do you want to go on the alternative to Avastin?" "No! I don't want zits if I'm not getting anything out of it!" "But your femur could fracture and then we'll have a messy surgery with the Avastin in your system." "So why don't we do surgery now while I'm off the Avastin and can prevent a fracture from happening?" "Because we don't want to do surgery on you unless your femur does fracture." "What are the chances of my femur fracturing?" "We don't know. We've had some patients roll over in their sleep and had their femur fractures." "Great..."

Does this not make sense to anyone else!? They don't want to prevent a fracture yet they want to take steps to make surgery easier. This implies to me that they expect an eventual fracture. I'm still trying to fathom why they would want me to go through fracturing a femur. Ugh.

Oh, I guess I haven't really said why I've had the sudden interest in having surgery again. Of course, mobility is the reason, but the stronger desire for it is fueled by the fact that I'm going on vacation in Hawaii this June. Australia ended-up being a little far away and by going to Hawaii I can bring the rest of my immediate family with me, which is good since I think they could use a tropical vacation as well. I'm really excited for the trip. Actually, I'm really excited for summer to get here in general. It'll be nice having all my friends home; we already have plans to build a boat out of milk cartons to race in the Minneapolis Aquatennial. =D

I'm sorry this post had a lot of grumbling in it. I have a tendency to whine and make things sound worse than they probably are.

At least the weather is agreeable. I can't complain about that. The snow has finally melted...again. =P

~Cheryl

"On my way home I remember only good days..."

Salutations!

It has been quite the busy week and now I'm finally home and getting a chance to relax. Not that I didn't enjoy the excitement, it's just that I can only tolerate so much time on the road before I go insane.

Last Wednesday I left for Cragun's Resort in Brainerd with the RCTC band/choir for the Community College Fine Arts Festival. To say the least, it was a lot of fun. The first night we were there we had the entire resort to ourselves, so I got a chance to go swimming in a humongous pool with only few people in it. Much happiness abounded. Then Thursday morning there was a showcase that featured performances by the various college choirs. After that rehearsals for the mass choir began. I was disappointed that members of the mass band didn't have any activities to partake in until 7 p.m. while the mass choir was practicing all day. So I decided to join the choir in their rehearsals until my evening band practice. The mass choir was amazing; there were at least 200 people in it and it was being directed by the choir conductor of the U of M. They had really fun songs to sing too, like "It's a Grand Night for Singing" and a ballad called "Innisfree". The mass band was fun too, though I don't know if "mass" is the right word to describe it. There were only about 40 members in it, but they were all talented musicians. We had three songs that we were going to play for the concert: two movements of a baroque piece, "Shenandoah", and "Hands Across the Sea". I hate "Hands Across the Sea". Actually, I hate most of what John Philip Sousa wrote, but that may because most of what he wrote are marches and marches don't do much for me. Anyways, Thursday we had rehearsals and in the evening the RCTC Aires (show choir) and jazz band did a performance by the poolside. Everybody loved it; people were cheering for Aires and dancing during the entire performance by the jazz band. Members of the jazz band even said it was one of their best gigs. On Friday we had dress rehearsals and the concert. After that we packed up and headed for home and Fudruckers. If you haven't been to Fudruckers, you should make it a goal to get there at some point. It's a burger joint, though they have other sandwiches/salads too (thank goodness- chemo has made me despise eating plain hamburgers). But the best part has got to be their milk shakes. I had just a plain vanilla milk shake and it was the best I had ever had. Nothing short of "amazing" could be used to describe it. =D

So I was home Friday night but left again Saturday afternoon to see Jase's play at her college in St. Joseph. It was really good. The cast performed well and the stage looked awesome. Mom and I spent the night in St. Cloud and came home Sunday. We stopped at my grandparents' house for brunch and then I finally made it home. Ben came over later in the evening and we all watched "Casino Royale"- the new James Bond flick. It was okay. I'm not really into James Bond movies: Any time I watch them, all I can think of is how it should be quite impossible that James Bond has not caught an STD by now.

Now it's Monday. And on a rating of 1 to 10 I think this Monday rates about a 6, which is pretty good for a Monday. I got to sleep in, which was wonderful and much needed. Then Mom and I went to the mall and I got a pair of shorts (also desperately needed), a shirt, and an adorable pair of slip-on sneakers. After that I went to the high school to help accompany people with their solo/ensemble contest pieces. I like helping people with music; I think I know just enough to be useful and give tips on things judges will be looking for. Tomorrow is the actual contest and I'll be going to watch and play piano for the two groups I'm accompanying.

I guess that's about it in news. I know this post is getting rather long. To finish it off I'll show you a super-cute photo I took of Claire and Zoe today. =D

The Claire-Bear and Zoeger-Ogre. Awww....

Much love,

Cheryl

Spring has sprung!

Hello!

Wow. Spring has definitely sprung. I guess the saying "March comes in like a lion, leaves like a lamb" has held pretty true for this year; we had blizzards at the beginning of the month and now the weather is just beautiful. Everything is already getting greener. The pine trees in our front lawn look a happier shade of green, though maybe I just think that because they're no longer covered in snow. Either way, it's nice to see the sun and the beginning of spring growth.

Claire has fully adjusted to life at our house. She loves running outside and playing with Zoe. Today I sat out there with them and watched as they played a serious game of tug-of-war with an old sock. Zoe won since she has so much bulk behind her; compared to Claire, she looks like a grizzly bear. I was hoping to get both dogs brushed out some, but neither of them really care to sit still to be brushed. Oh well. Zoe's going to have to let us brush her at some point as the weather gets warmer since she has seizures when she gets too hot.

This past weekend I had my second round of chemo with Oxaliplatin. I tried to stay active and ignore the side effects, but yesterday and Sunday I couldn't help but crash and end-up taking a couple of three hour naps which left me feeling like I was run over by a truck when I finally got up. I think my cold sensitivity is starting to fade from this last treatment, but my hands and feet are starting to feel chapped again- that always happened before when I was on Oxaliplatin. Next time I go in for treatment the skin on my hands and feet will probably start to peel since that's the side effect that follows the chapped feeling.

Anyways, I haven't been up to too much. I've been to one band practice where we actually played something. It was fun though. We're playing a medley from "Pirates of the Caribbean" that I haven't played before. The only downside was that I volunteered to play the second part since one of the other kids had been playing the first part in my absence. The second part isn't half as fun, but it's not too bad. I get to play lots of low notes that aren't usually in a saxophone part, and my new horn sounds like it was made to belt them out. We're also playing one of the classic overtures, though I can't remember what it's called. It's not "William Tell," but it's one of the ones you think of when you talk about a fox hunt. This would be how I would sing it: duh-do-do-do-do-do-do-doot-doo-doo and repeat... I don't know how much sense that makes to anyone, but I bet someone will be able to figure it out. =D

Lol. I have to make mention of this: I'm sitting on the couch and Claire is laying beside me with her back to the front of the couch. Three times now she's leaned back and almost rolled off the couch. Hehe, it's really funny. Oh, there- now she's turned around so she won't fall off. Hehe.

Tomorrow I go to Brainerd with the RCTC band to play in the community college gathering of bands/choirs. It should be fun. I don't get home until late Friday night, and then Saturday I'm on the road again with my mom as we travel to St. Cloud to see Jase's play.

Eww. Claire just farted. It reeks. Why does she always have to fart around me??

Ah, I just figured out what I've been up to! I was finishing Mr. Little's website for his book. Thanks to everyone who helped me work out the page's problems! I think the end result turned out quite well. You can check out the website and order a copy of Little's book here: www.seanpatricklittle.com Don't be too impressed with how the webpage looks; I just altered a free webpage template to my liking. Luckily the template was image-orientated, so all I had to do was edit the images on my camera's photo-editor and the pre-written HTML did the rest. =D

Well, I've gotta run.

Wait! One more thing: Exactly 140 have placed a pin on my map! I am seriously impressed! =D
Thanks everyone who put in a pin!

Much love,
Cheryl

Oh come ye technologically inclined!

Hello!

Lots of events have taken place since I last posted. Well, maybe not "events"- they aren't really big enough to be considered "events". "Various activities" maybe? I was hanging-out with friends who were home on spring break for most the week, almost everyday actually; it was great seeing them all again! I attended a gathering at Ann's house on Friday and on Saturday Laura, Ann, and I went to the conservatory at Como Park in St. Paul. There were lots of pretty flowers there. I must say the sunken garden was the best part. There were tons of blooming flowers, all in shades of pink, white, and festively happy colors. It was gorgeous. I hope to head up there again soon since the sunken garden is changing from its winter exhibit to its spring one. The conservatory said that the spring exhibit features bulbous flowers, like tulips and daffodils. I think that would be fun to see.

The puppy is adjusting well. She is already pretty spoiled and is as lazy a dog I've ever seen. Her favorite pastime is laying in the middle of the living room floor, that and snoring. My goodness! I've never heard a dog to snore like she does. I guess it's not too bad. Just every once in a while she'll let out a snore that sounds like it came from a grown man instead of a puppy. =P

Now for the main purpose of this post. I need help designing a web page. Since most of this blog's readers are IBM-ers, I figure someone out there might be web-design inclined or knows someone who is. I've already got the code all written out. The problem is that some of the graphics are not behaving. When I open the HTML file from my C: drive, it works fine: everything lays out like it should. However, when I open the actual web page, everything changes: the graphics don't extend to the bottom of the page and the main content text overflows into areas it shouldn't. I would be thrilled if I could get the silly page to behave in one web browser, but it'd be even better if the web page could be supported by different browsers and fit different sizes/resolutions of screens. I am not all that knowledgeable in computer languages: the only way I got this website put together was by using a free template and a WYSIWYG program (Nvu). So, yeah: I need lots of help. If you could help me fix my problem, or know someone who could, email me at telaldalin@msn.com. Thanks so much!

Oh, I want to thank everyone who has added a pin to my map. It's exciting to see how many people read my blog and where they all come from. =D

Wait! I've got more thank-you's that I've been forgetting to post:
Thank you Deneen and Alvin for the monkey PJ's. They're so cute!
Thank you also to Jana and Kelley for the orchid; it's beautiful.
And a general thank-you to everyone who has been sending me cards and flowers to brighten my day. =D

I think a rush of activities is coming up soon. For band at RCTC, we're traveling to Brainerd for a collaboration of college bands and choirs for a few days; the RCTC band will play a few pieces on its own, but we'll also be joining a band that's made up of all the attending colleges. It should be fun. My friend Jase has the performances for her play in St. Cloud starting this week; I hope to attend one of her shows in between playing sax for RCTC and having my next chemo treatment.

I'm not looking forward to chemo. I guess I never am, but it keeps getting to be more of a strain. Like I've said before, I'm sick of it. I hate being leashed to the pump and feeling the side effects of the oxaliplatin. No fun at all. The problem is that if I stop, it's not like everything is going to be all happy-go-lucky again. I think that's the impression people were getting from one of my previous posts. It really isn't all that easy to just pack-up my bags and go traveling. I still have my femur/hip to worry about. My mobility is so limited compared to what is used to be. I'm always worrying that it'll fracture, which after seeing a video of the various ways a femur can fracture I've decided does not look pleasant in the least. I still get tired quickly too. Not mentally tired, but physically. I'd have to say that's mainly due to my hip also: it gets sore and then I need to sit down. Meh, it bugs me.

But enough of that. I have a puppy who's wandering around looking like she needs someone to play with, so I think I'll go and do that. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"Save the cheerleader, save the world."

Hey.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been busy this week with friends being home on spring break and last week was chemo so I didn't feel like posting. But I'm getting to it now. =)

This happened near the end of February, on one of the snow days. Greg and I decided that the snow was just right for building snowmen and ventured out into the yard.










This first picture (on the left) is Greg and I beginning the construction of our snowmen. Mine is more of a small pile of snow while Greg's is already a decent sized base. Well, we continued building for a good part of the afternoon and this is what we came up with... The picture to the right is of my snowman David(pronounced: da-VEED). I decided not to go traditional-style in my snowman building, as you can tell. =D He didn't really have man-parts, by the way- just leaves. =P It was really funny when he started to melt because he kept leaning really far forward until he toppled over. The picture to the lower left is of Greg's snowman. I thought it turned out pretty cute.

I really don't know what all to write about concerning what I've been doing since I last posted. I was at state wrestling, which was fun. I've been reading quite a bit again: "Yay" for Diana Wynne Jones. And then last weekend Mom and I went and picked up a five-month old puppy from the humane shelter in Red Wing.

This is Claire. She got named after the cheerleader from the NBC television series "Heroes": "Save the cheerleader, save the world." It's actually kind-of appropriate since the character was adopted and we adopted the puppy. Claire is about the mellowest puppy you'll ever meet. She loves everyone and is quite fond of snuggling with people to take naps. She's the first inside dog I've ever had, so it's been lots of fun. She potty-trained really easy: she's smart like that. Oh, Claire is a border collie lab mix.


I guess that's about it. I'm on the full chemo treatment again. I hate it. Luckily the cold sensitivity isn't too bad yet and I haven't been vomitting.

Oh, you may have noticed that on the sidebar to the right there is a little icon that says "Map" on it. I thought it'd be neat to see how many people read my blog and where they're located. So if you feel like it, click on the icon and take a look at the map. A little bubble popped up for me asking if I was in Rochester, which is pretty much where I am, but I changed it to Eyota and filled out the the required spaces (name, email- optional to post a message). You don't have to enter in your real name. If you wish to remain anonymous, just put "Blog Reader" down as your name. You also don't have to enter a real email address. I tried out just putting down something random with "@" and ".com" in it and the site accepted it. If you put down your email address you automatically become a member of Frappr and get a goofy password assigned to you. So to avoid that, I would advise filling the email space with a made-up email address.

Okay. That's all the news I had.

~Cheryl

Update

I'm not having surgery. I've gone off Avastin for six weeks for nothing. This morning I had a CT-scan and X-ray. Dr. Pitot looked at both and reported that my tumors are getting worse. The radiation did little for my femur. The tumors on my liver are re-growing. There are specs of cancer on my lungs that weren't there before. So I won't be having surgery. Instead I'm going back to having the full chemotherapy treatment. That means I'm on Oxaliplatin again. That was the only thing that was really keeping my cancer at bay anyways. So I'll be cold sensitive again and constantly vomitting. I'll also be back on the Avastin, which means that if I do randomly fracture my femur I'll have to deal with the bleeding/healing issues that come with being on Avastin. No surgery means my mobility will remain hindered. No dancing or running around. Having radiation on my femur makes it more delicate as time progresses, so I have to be more careful to not randomly fracture it. I don't know if I'll stay on Avastin or Oxaliplatin, but the alternatives include severe acne and hair-loss as side effects. It mostly depends on how long I can tolerate the Oxaliplatin. Or how long the cancer reacts to it. It won't react to it half as well as it did before; actually, none of the drugs will work as well as they did before. By taking a break from Avastin/Oxaliplatin, I've reduced their potential to fight my cancer. That's also why we're looking into different chemo drugs. I'm thinking of just quitting chemotherapy. It's not doing much in the long run anyways. Dr. Pitot says it probably only makes a difference of a few months. Which doesn't matter much. He says I'm realistically looking at a year tops now, maybe half a year without chemo. I don't think I'll be going to college in the fall. What's the point? I hate my life; I'm just living to die. I have no purpose and I hate how people always say that they wish they could take this away from me. It annoys me because we all know it can't be taken away. I'm stuck with it. The end. Stop trying to wish it away. And stop saying you'd rather have it than me because I don't want you to have it. In fact, go out and get your colonoscopies when you're supposed to. I would give anything to have been forced to get a colonoscopy when this all started so that the cancer would have just been a stupid little polyp that could be removed during the colonoscopy. That's how easy this cancer is to prevent!! But what do people do? They never schedule themselves for a colonoscopy. That's why colon cancer is the second top killing cancer in the United States: because people are too embarrassed to take the means to prevent it. Stupid people. Have you seen the commercial by the American Cancer Society on colon cancer? The one where the guy uses the mashed potatoes as an example of a colon and a pea as a polyp? He just stabs the pea and the polyp is gone. It really is that simple. So let's see: quick polyp removal via a colonoscopy or chemotherapy that makes you vomit and feel like crap until the day chemo no longer works and you die. I think I would rather take the first option. But no. I'm the freak case that got this cancer way too early and therefore wasn't offered a colonoscopy. I was given a laxative and a pat on the head to reassure me that it wasn't anything serious. And now I'm angry, sad, and frustrated and seriously contemplating using the money in my savings account to buy a one-way ticket to Australia and never coming back. I'll just disappear down there and let everyone assume I'm on a vacation that never ends. Then no one will have to see me in my continually pathetic state and maybe they'll remember me as the healthy girl who graduated at the top of her class and was heading off to college in Iowa.

I'm sick of writing. I don't feel like reporting on anything else either.

~Cheryl

And did you notice the snow...

Good evening, America!

Okay, so my blog isn't really that popular, but I thought it could use a new and inventive introduction for this post.

I guess I haven't posted in a while, so I'll probably forget lots of details that I could have added to this post. Oh well; the post will still probably end up getting too long anyways.

First, in medical news...

I have completed my radiation therapy. I'm glad to be done with it. It was a nuisance going in to the Clinic everyday; however, the staff was great- I didn't have that evil nurse at all. Instead I had three really nice ladies who were social and made the whole process stress free. Oh, I timed how long the treatment actually is and I was zapped with radiation for about one minute every day: the machine shot me from above and below for thirty seconds each. Maybe I shouldn't use the words "shot" or "zapped": that makes it sound like it was painful. I think the right word would be "buzzed": The machine buzzed at me for a minute everyday. Then again, I don't think it was the machine, I think it was the "Energize" signal light that made the noise. Or not. I don't know. "Energize"- hehe, like Star Trek: "Beam me up, Scottie..."

Another little update:
We met with Dr. Pitot and asked him about surgery on my femoral head. He said we had to meet with Dr. Simms and get some X-rays/CT-scans on March 7 and the official date of surgery would be scheduled from there.

In the world of sports...

The Dover-Eyota wrestling team has made it to State! Wooooo! Go D-E!! It was pretty much one of the awesome-est wins ever. About half way through the match against Zumbrota-Mazeppa we all knew that our team would win. Very exciting. So this weekend (which starts Wednesday for most Dover-Eyotans), I will be heading up to St. Paul and the Excel Energy Center to cheer on the team. Yayayayayay! Hope the hotel has a pool 'cause I'm bringing my swimming gear this time!

And now for the weather...

In case you haven't noticed, it's snowing out there... a lot!! I was amazed at how much snow just appeared out of nowhere. Wow. The worst part about it though was the power failure that claimed our house last night at 7:30 p.m. and lasted until very late this afternoon. That meant no lights, no Internet, no television, and...*gasp*...no hot showers!! For those of you who don't know me well, a hot shower in the morning is my equivalent to a cup of coffee. I cannot fully function until I have had a hot shower, much like most adults cannot function until they have had their daily dose of caffeine via coffee beans. Thankfully, the roads were plowed well enough to allow my mother and I to escape to my aunt and uncle's house, where I gratefully accepted a hot shower and warm breakfast...and chocolate cake. For those of you who are wondering what happened to my dad and brother, they frolicked off to a Wild hockey game and left Mom and I to a electricity-deprived house. =P

Well, it's starting to get dark now and I think Zoe (my dog) wants some attention since she's been in her kennel all day. At least the temperature is still reasonable. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"All for one and one for all..."

Hola!

Today I finally gave in and switched to the new Blogger system. Actually, I had no choice in the matter. It wouldn't let me post until I switched and signed up for a Google account. Good thing it was free, or I would not have been happy in the least. I guess there are supposed to be tons of cool new features, but I really haven't noticed any of them. The only thing that looks different to me is some of the layout when you sign in.

This last weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in a while. I went up to St. Paul and stayed at a hotel with some of my friends. It was awesome. Friday I went to the Mall of America with Ann and had a fabulous time shopping. Then on Saturday Ann, Connor, and I went on a mini road trip and kidnapped Laura and Jaselyn from Northwestern and St. Ben's University. We got back to our hotel room, ordered pizza, went swimming, and visited until the wee hours of the morning. I had a blast and must say I was reluctant to go home on Sunday. Hopefully I'll see everyone again during their spring breaks and we can plan something fun then.

Okay, now I must tell you the story of "The Radiation-Therapy Marks and the Swimming Pool." Dun-dun-dunnn!! =P

It all started with my trip to St. Paul. I decided not to pack my swimming suit so I would not be tempted to go swimming when I got to the hotel. I told myself I would be strong of will and resist temptation. Then Friday evening, Ann made the suggestion that we could roll up our pant-legs and sit with our legs in the hot tub. This was a splendid idea seeing as Minnesota is currently suffering from freezing temperatures and toes have the tendency to reflect said weather. So we rolled up our jeans and dangled our legs in the hot tub. At first this was satisfactory since the hot tub was, as its name states, very hot. But then my subconscious started to whisper to me, "Get in the water. Who cares about losing the radiation marks...?" At first I refused to listen, but I soon found myself hunched over and walking around the edge of the hot tub with my legs and arms trailing in the water like a crazy person. By this time my subconscious was screaming at me to sit in the hot tub, but I made it through the night without fulling submerging myself in chlorine-treated water and completely ruining my jeans. Saturday rolled around and now Jaselyn and Laura were in our company. At the hotel, the suggestion was made again about dangling our legs in the hot tub. My subconscious started nagging at me and I began to believe what it said: "It's okay to get in the water...The radiation people will never know that it was swimming that made the marks disappear...It only takes ten minutes to re-mark anyways...Start looking for sacrificial clothes to go swimming in...!" And then I snapped. I told everyone I was going swimming. I layered medical tape over my radiation marks and frantically started searching my bags for something to wear in the swimming pool. Everyone joined me in the search since Ann was the only one who had brought an actual swimsuit. The end result was all of us jumping into the swimming pool with a mix-match of clothing that we had lent to each other. We had tons of fun soaking in the hot tub and swimming in the pool, especially since we had it all to ourselves.


Ann, Connor, Jase, me, and Laura ready to go swimming.

Like I said before, Sunday I came home. I peeled off the layers of tape I had put over my radiation marks since having so much tape made my legs itch. Luckily, the multiple layers of tape had preserved the ink that had soaked into the first layer of tape. Getting the tape wet had caused the ink to bleed onto my skin, so when I took the tape off there were still faint marks on my leg. Then, I did the unthinkable: I re-traced the radiation marks with a Sharpie marker. They had told me not to. They had thought me too incompetent to do it. But I did it anyways. And guess what? They didn't even say anything about it when I had my first treatment yesterday! They actually said the marks looked good!! It's a dang good thing I went swimming this weekend or I would have been fuming with regret. That just goes to prove that if you ever get the itch to go swimming, you should just do it. Wow, that sounds like a Nike commercial...

I guess you might be interested in the actual process of my first radiation treatment. Well, it went like this: I got there, checked in, waited, changed into a gown, laid on a hard table, had my marks lined-up with lasers, got an X-ray, the radiation machine buzzed and zapped me for about a minute from above, I felt nothing- it was just like having an X-ray, the radiation machine rotated to go underneath me, I got zapped from underneath for another fraction of a minute, had another X-ray, and then I was done. The whole thing took less than ten minutes and was completely pain free. I repeat this whole procedure everyday this week; the only difference being that I won't have X-rays done daily, so the process will take about five minutes instead of ten. It almost feels like a waste of time since it's so short, but whatever. I guess it's going to help a bit, so I'll go along with it.

As you have probably noticed, there is a unique banner at the top of my blog. Though it looks like it could be an ad for an upcoming movie, it is actually for the book that is being published by my high school drama director, Mr. Little. I had mentioned before that his book was scheduled to be released June or July, but now it's scheduled to be in stores this spring. I hope everyone will take a minute of their time to visit Mr. Little's website to learn more about his book. All you have to do is click on the banner and it will route you to his page.

Well, I have to go eat lunch and get ready for treatment. That's really all the news I have anyways.

Until another day,
Cheryl

"To hear her sing, to see her dance..."

Hey-yo.

Today I had my simulation stuff to set up for my radiation therapy. It wasn't all that exciting. They brought me back to a waiting room, had me change into a gown, and then led me to a room with a "live X-ray machine." I had to lay on a hard table for about ten minutes while they used the X-ray machine and a bunch of laser lights to get me ligned up and marked me with marker so that when I come back Monday they can just lign me up again and start the radiation.

I don't know whether I really won the war against getting the tattoos. I came in and told them I would carry a marker with me everywhere and would remark myself any time the marks they made began to fade, but this one nurse growled at me that I couldn't do that. She said I might not get the marks in the right place. I still didn't get the tattoos because I was ready to go in to a panic attack if they pushed the issue, but I was mad that she had insulted my intelligence. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of tracing a couple of "X's" made with Sharpie marker. Grr. So now I have five "X's" drawn on my hip and sides that have some special tape put over them to prevent them from washing off; however, I can't go swimming like I planned to this weekend. I mentioned swimming at my appointment and the mean nurse's eyes nearly popped out of her head. Oh, well. I guess I can sacrifice swimming so that I don't have to get five evil dot tattoos.

The only other event of my day was going to band and choir. Choir was alright. I think I've come down with a bit of something, so my throat was sore and my voice wasn't at its best. Band was fun; our pieces are starting to come together.

Since my last few posts were rather long, I'll keep this one shorter.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Whenever you're down & out, the only way is up..."

Hola.

I just realized I've been pretty slack with my online calendar. Oops. Well, I think everyone is pretty well informed about what my daily schedule is via my blog posts, so I hope no one is too disappointed about me not keeping the calendar up-to-date.

There has been enough interesting happenings in my past four days that I thought I would update again.

The first happening was on Friday night, some hours after I had posted my last post. Greg blew-up our Pontiac Bonneville. Mom and I were sitting around watching TV when we heard a rather loud noise from the garage. I thought it was Greg slamming the side door shut as he left for the Snoball dance. Mom didn't tell me what she thought it was, but two minutes after the "Poof/Boom!" Greg walks in and tells me, "I killed Bonny." I thought he had maybe run over some animal of the neighborhood that had been named "Bonny," but he rephrased and said he had killed my car. Oh, by the way, Greg was not hurt- thought maybe I should mention that. =P I wasn't too upset over the loss of the Bonneville since it had not been running well recently and it always seemed to be heat deprived anyways. We're having it towed sometime this week and we're getting a few hundred bucks out of the arrangement, so it's not a total loss. If you want details about what all happened with the explosion, you'll have to talk to my dad or Greg. All I know is that something blew-up under the hood; I'm definitely not a technical auto-person.

Ok, on to my second happening. I went to Barnes & Noble and, surprisingly, I could not find a book. That's right. Barnes & Noble has failed me. Or maybe my favorite authors have failed me. I've already plowed through the couple of new books that have been released amongst the several authors I enjoy. All I can say is: "Let's go, Diane Duane! Let's get 'A Wizard of Mars' on the shelves!"

Third happening: The Super Bowl. My dad made a pleasant buffet of Super Bowl munchies and we sat, ate, and watched the Super Bowl. The commercials were very disappointing. I feel sorry for all those companies that wasted 2.5 million dollars to play their pathetic commercials during the Super Bowl. The only commercials that really stood out in my mind was the one with the mouse (Was it Blockbuster or Best Buy? I don't know, something with a blue and yellow logo) and the one with the lonely white dog who got splattered with mud and got to ride with the Budweiser dalmation. Otherwise, dumb commercials. The Super Bowl itself was about as entertaining as any other football game on television, which isn't very entertaining. The half-time show was alright, though I had to wonder what was up with Prince deciding to wear a head-scarf. It looked silly.

Then it was Monday already and I had to get up early for blood tests and chemo. I am now down to taking only Leucovorin and 5-FU since Oxaliplatin is evil and I can't be on Avastin for six weeks prior to surgery. Anyways, happening number four occurred after I was done with my infusion at the chemo ward. I was waiting in the pick-up area on ground level, waiting for my mom to pull up, when two guys came walking up. I swear they were members of the mob. Really! They both had fancy pin-stripe jackets and tucked-in neck scarves, dark hair and goatees, and the older of the two even had a fedora on! Picture perfect Italian mobster men. I almost laughed out loud. They were so stereotypical looking. I should have taken a picture of them. Oh, well. =D

So now it's Tuesday. I'm on the pump still and will be de-accessing myself tomorrow; this treatment has been going well- haven't been sick or feeling too tired. Today I had an appointment with a radiologist to see whether it was worth having radiation therapy on my femur prior to surgery. Well, my final happening was while Mom and I were waiting in the doctor's office. I was trying to balance my crutch and get it to stand upright. Mom said I couldn't do it. This was a dare. She said I could not accomplish it, so, of course, I had to prove her wrong. Three minutes later I had that crutch standing in the middle of the room all by itself. Boo-ya! I had accomplished the impossible! I began my victory dance and at that time Dr. Petersen (my radiologist) decided to walk in. There I was, not having met this woman before, dancing around like a crazy person. All I could do was point at my crutch and exclaim, "I got it to balance! She said I couldn't do it, but I did!" Luckily, Dr. Petersen is a nice lady and she just laughed and we started the appointment. Before I end this paragraph and explain the contents of my appointment, if you don't believe that I got the crutch to balance, the next time you see me just ask about it and I can show you pictures that I took of it on my cell phone. =D

Right, about radiation. Dr. Petersen filled me in about what would be going on since she thought that radiation might be useful in helping to prevent a fracture prior to my surgery.

Oh, let me state something quick: I do not have a date set up for surgery. I just know it will be coming up in the near future (beginning of March if Dr. Pitot gets his way- earlier if my hip surgeon tramples over the top of Pitot's opinion).

One more something: I was weighed today. With my coat and my pump, I weigh 119 pounds! Woooo! I'm thinking my coat/pump together can't weigh more than four pounds, so, at the least, I weigh around 115 pounds. Happiness. =D

Hmm, maybe I should just do a numbered list to explain things:
1. Radiation (how it works): photons will be shot at a precise location via a machine. The machine is set so that it doesn't target the skin cells it first passes through, so the bone is the bit that will be receiving the direct treatment. Other areas may be exposed to a few photons, but there are no freaky, dangerous side effects.
2. Pain: There is none. It's like getting an X-ray. I lay on a hard table and get radiation shot at my femur. I hold really still for those fifteen minutes (I get help from "immobilization devices"- which are basically cushions that are molded to the shape of my body) and then I'm done for the day.
3. Side effects: I might get a little tired, but that's nothing new since I get a little tired from chemo- so I can handle that. Radiation might screw-up my monthlies: they're already screwed-up from chemo, so that doesn't matter. It might weaken the bone that is being exposed to radiation: I'll be having that chopped off in a month, so that doesn't matter either. The skin might get a little pink where they're shooting me with radiation, but that probably won't happen since I'm not getting enough rounds of radiation for the skin to get irritated. Basically, I won't feel too many of the side effects. The whole treatment will be pretty painless.
4. The Treatment: I'm scheduled for 10 days of radiation. I start next week, which means I will be at the Charleton building Monday through Friday for at least fifteen minutes everyday. Then I get the weekend off and the next Monday I start the whole thing over again. After that, I'm done. Yay!

Tomorrow I have another appointment with Dr. Petersen. Basically, she's going to show me where I'll be going everyday to get ready for treatment, the machines they use, probably get my "immobilization devices" made up- if I need any, and mark the spot on me where they need to shoot the radiation at. Oh, guess what? They think they're going to give me a tattoo. It would just be a little dot, they say. My reply to that is: "You only think you're going to give me a tattoo. I will mark myself everyday with a marker so that you won't have to give me a tattoo." Blech. I don't want a little remembrance-dot on me. They even have a picture of them giving the tattoo to somebody in the brochure! Yucky. Plus, if it's the size of a freckle, how the heck are they supposed to find it again on me? I have so many moles and little freckles all over me that they'll be hard pressed to tell if the dot is natural or dye. Meh. I'm just obstinate when it comes to medical procedures that involve needles. They're lucky I've gotten over shots and having my port accessed.

Well, I guess that's about it. Oh, wait: It's official that I'm not going to Florida with RCTC, though Chuck (band/choir director) is still trying to convince me to go. I really would like to go, but I'm scared something will accidentally happen and I'll be separated from the group and rushed to some hospital that I know nothing about and will have no way to get in contact with the group again. Scary.

I've made it to band once this week. It was fun; I like band. Tomorrow I should be able to go to band and choir, though I think I've missed too many choir practices to sing at the next concert. Oh well; it's still fun to attend practices. Even my radiation appointments will be scheduled so I can go to band and choir. Yay for helpful scheduling staff!

Okay. I can't think of anything else. I'm sure I'll post again soon with updates about what I think of radiation and what I've been up to in general.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Kick my brains 'round the floor..."

Meh.

I forewarn you now: this post is just more grumbling. I am in a very grumbly mood today.

It all started very early this morning...very early....like 12 a.m. I wasn't sleeping well. Everything ached, especially my right leg. You know how they tell you not to put any weight on your leg and to be careful? Well, I've decided the only result of that is that you start moving around funny and probably make the movements more painful than they have to be since you're trying to be careful.

Anyways, I hurt. Finally, I went and told Mom that I felt like crud. So she gives me lots of drugs (anti-pain and anti-muscle stiffness, then eventually a Dayquil since it seemed I was developing a cold). After the medications, I'm in pain and my thoughts are all jumbled. All I want is sleep, but my leg is cramping and I keep feeling worse and worse.

Eventually I get up because I feel sick to my stomach. I don't throw-up, but I gag- which is not the least bit fun. You probably didn't want to know that, but the detail must be included to emphasize the crumminess of my day.

I pathetically crawl back into bed and the rest of my day is a confused jumble of sleeping, trying to lay in a way that won't make anything hurt, and being told I have to eat something.

Oh yeah, about mid-afternoon it is discovered that I'm running a low grade fever. By now it has escalated into a full-out fever and I'm bouncing between a high 100 and a low 101.

I feel like crud. I had already figured my day was not going to be the most pleasant, but this was just the icing on the cake. I missed band/choir and I still don't know if RCTC is going to Florida or not and if I can sell my spot to someone else.

Now I'm lying on the couch, eating Valentine's Day M&M's like they were pieces of cereal and sipping on a bottle of water.

I really need to shower. I smell icky. And I don't have my contacts in and I'm not the most fond of wearing my glasses all day.

I think I'm going to go shower. Maybe it'll help clear my head and relax my leg and other aches.

Sorry if you just read all my grumbliness. I just figured, "Why not just complain about your illness to family when you can let everyone know how disappointing your day has been?"

So, yeah, that's it.

I hope your day has been more pleasant than mine. Oh, and I apologize to anyone who tried to call me or see me today and was turned down. It's not that I didn't want to see/talk with you, my brain just wasn't put together enough and I smelled too bad to comfortably visit with anyone.

Ok, now that's it.

I'm gonna go shower.

TGIF, right?

~Cheryl

"Don't Cry Out Loud..."

I had started a post earlier this morning, but I temporarily lost internet connection and I had to leave for an appointment. That post was pretty enthusiastic, but my attitude has drastically changed over the course of the day. I guess this post will reflect that.

My day started with me getting up earlier than normal, getting breakfast, showering, and just bumming around. Actually, I was in a pretty decent mood since today I was scheduled for an MRI that would finally reveal what has been causing the pain in my hip, which I will now explain:

Earlier, in December, I had pain in my lower, right hip- more precisely in the socket area. Well, at the time, I believed it to be a pulled groin muscle. But the pain persisted and soon it was after Christmas and I was in the E.R. for severe cramping in my right thigh and the continued pain from my hip. X-rays were taken and it was determined to be just-a-muscle-thing. My chemo resumed after Christmas break and we related the story of my leg pain to Dr. Pitot. He also thought it was a just-a-muscle-thing. However, he later reviewed my previous CT-scans, which showed something funky in my femur head/socket area. He thought it might be AVN, which I don't really even know what that is, but it would have been caused by steroids I didn't know I had been taking. He decided that my chemo would proceed as normal and I would eventually get an X-ray of it when I got back from Florida or somewhere in that time frame.

Now back to today's explanation:

So my leg had been hurting and I have been walking around with a limp. Behind my back, Mom calls Dr. Pitot. Pitot decides that it is time for an MRI. I'm slightly excited because I have never had an MRI before and the machines of modern science fascinate me. I limp to my MRI, have the procedure done (that machine makes very interesting sounds), and afterwards I am told I can no longer walk and need a wheelchair. This slightly disturbs me. What disturbs me more is the fact that my 4 pm appointment with Dr. Pitot has been moved up to right after my MRI, which took place around noon. I'm wheeled to the tenth floor and Dad and I visit with Dr. Pitot.

As luck would have it, or maybe doesn't have it, the problem with my hip turned out to be more cancer, a cancer that is resistant to the chemotherapy treatments I've been having and that has devoured 70% of my femoral head on the right side.

I'm not allowed to put weight on that leg anymore. The options for treatment are:
1) Go with surgery right away to have the ball of my ball-and-socket removed and replaced with an artificial one as soon as the Avastin (chemo drug) has worn out of my system (which takes about six weeks to flush out of the body)
Pros) My leg won't fracture and cause more problems
Recovery time is fast: a couple of weeks
Cons) I'll be going down to Florida with a crutch/cane. Meh.
The whole surgery thing freaks me out.
I'll get another scar.
2) Use radiation therapy in hopes that it will be somewhat effective in re-calcifying the bone in my hip until the time when I have surgery/bone breaks.
Pros) It might help re-calcify my leg
Cons) It'll probably do nothing and my leg will eventually break
I'll still need surgery
I'll still get a scar
I'll still be going down to Florida with a crutch/cane
3) Do nothing
Pros) I'll continue with the chemo treatment I'm on, which seems to be effective in treating the rest of my cancer
Cons) My leg will break and it will be super painful
Surgery will not be half as tidy as it could have been
There will still be a scar
I'll still need to use a crutch/cane in Florida

As you can see, a lot of this revolves around how it will affect my Florida trip. I really don't want to go down there with a crutch/cane. There's no way I could keep up with the rest of the kids and do all the same activities. Plus, there's the risk that my femur will fracture while I'm down there, which would not be all that pleasant.

I'm really nervous about surgery. It scares me. But at least it's not dealing with major organs. Just bones. Just like it was just-a-muscle-thing and it was just constipation...Argh! What is it with people!? They've misdiagnosed me every time in relation to my cancer. First they thought it was constipation, which turned out to be colorectal carcinoma in an eighteen year old girl. Now it is just-a-muscle-thing that turns out to be colorectal carcinoma in a form that isn't responding to my current chemotherapy. Splendid. I'm glad I've won the freak lottery that keeps taking me down roads I never expected to be on. Not.

There's a poem that says all the things cancer can supposedly not do: "Cancer cannot silence courage, Cancer cannot corrode faith, Cancer cannot shatter hope..."
Let me tell you what: It can.
It stole away my first year at college and starting a new and exciting life. It stole my future. It stole away my dreams of being an old, crazy cat-lady with my best friend. And now it is stealing away from me something as simple as being able to go out dancing and running around with friends. What more could it take from me!? My life? Pfft. I'm already living without a purpose. I wake up every morning and there's nothing I have to do. I wake up just to go back to sleep most days. The life of luxury for some, a constant torment for others.

I'm always told about things I could join in. I could help with the high school musical, stay with band/choir at RCTC, tutor little kids or help with their classes at the elementary. But I don't feel like I belong; I know people are just letting me join in because they feel sorry for me. It's so stupid, and I know I'm full of self-pity, but I would give anything just to have to wake up early in order to go to class and take a test. I just want to be normal again. And I know there's no real definition of "normal," but I would love to be close to the stereotypical version, instead of some medical freak. I want to be able to move again without pain. I want to be able to wake up and not be screaming in my head that I can't wake up from this nightmare no matter how hard I try...

Well, dinner is ready and I don't feel like saying anymore. It'll just be more wallowing and you probably don't want to hear it.

"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings..."

~Cheryl

"The seeds will grow, the flowers bloom..."

Ha! Victory is mine! The blog actually let me post a picture! Well, this is my crazy plant lady. It's not the whole drawing and not of the best quality because I don't have a scanner and had to just take a picture of it and load the picture onto my computer. You can kind of see the flowers she's pollinating. It looks better when you can see all five flowers and the ground below her; it makes it look like she's just drifting around more. But I'm happy with how she turned out, especially her face since I have problems with drawing faces.