Spring has sprung!

Hello!

Wow. Spring has definitely sprung. I guess the saying "March comes in like a lion, leaves like a lamb" has held pretty true for this year; we had blizzards at the beginning of the month and now the weather is just beautiful. Everything is already getting greener. The pine trees in our front lawn look a happier shade of green, though maybe I just think that because they're no longer covered in snow. Either way, it's nice to see the sun and the beginning of spring growth.

Claire has fully adjusted to life at our house. She loves running outside and playing with Zoe. Today I sat out there with them and watched as they played a serious game of tug-of-war with an old sock. Zoe won since she has so much bulk behind her; compared to Claire, she looks like a grizzly bear. I was hoping to get both dogs brushed out some, but neither of them really care to sit still to be brushed. Oh well. Zoe's going to have to let us brush her at some point as the weather gets warmer since she has seizures when she gets too hot.

This past weekend I had my second round of chemo with Oxaliplatin. I tried to stay active and ignore the side effects, but yesterday and Sunday I couldn't help but crash and end-up taking a couple of three hour naps which left me feeling like I was run over by a truck when I finally got up. I think my cold sensitivity is starting to fade from this last treatment, but my hands and feet are starting to feel chapped again- that always happened before when I was on Oxaliplatin. Next time I go in for treatment the skin on my hands and feet will probably start to peel since that's the side effect that follows the chapped feeling.

Anyways, I haven't been up to too much. I've been to one band practice where we actually played something. It was fun though. We're playing a medley from "Pirates of the Caribbean" that I haven't played before. The only downside was that I volunteered to play the second part since one of the other kids had been playing the first part in my absence. The second part isn't half as fun, but it's not too bad. I get to play lots of low notes that aren't usually in a saxophone part, and my new horn sounds like it was made to belt them out. We're also playing one of the classic overtures, though I can't remember what it's called. It's not "William Tell," but it's one of the ones you think of when you talk about a fox hunt. This would be how I would sing it: duh-do-do-do-do-do-do-doot-doo-doo and repeat... I don't know how much sense that makes to anyone, but I bet someone will be able to figure it out. =D

Lol. I have to make mention of this: I'm sitting on the couch and Claire is laying beside me with her back to the front of the couch. Three times now she's leaned back and almost rolled off the couch. Hehe, it's really funny. Oh, there- now she's turned around so she won't fall off. Hehe.

Tomorrow I go to Brainerd with the RCTC band to play in the community college gathering of bands/choirs. It should be fun. I don't get home until late Friday night, and then Saturday I'm on the road again with my mom as we travel to St. Cloud to see Jase's play.

Eww. Claire just farted. It reeks. Why does she always have to fart around me??

Ah, I just figured out what I've been up to! I was finishing Mr. Little's website for his book. Thanks to everyone who helped me work out the page's problems! I think the end result turned out quite well. You can check out the website and order a copy of Little's book here: www.seanpatricklittle.com Don't be too impressed with how the webpage looks; I just altered a free webpage template to my liking. Luckily the template was image-orientated, so all I had to do was edit the images on my camera's photo-editor and the pre-written HTML did the rest. =D

Well, I've gotta run.

Wait! One more thing: Exactly 140 have placed a pin on my map! I am seriously impressed! =D
Thanks everyone who put in a pin!

Much love,
Cheryl

Oh come ye technologically inclined!

Hello!

Lots of events have taken place since I last posted. Well, maybe not "events"- they aren't really big enough to be considered "events". "Various activities" maybe? I was hanging-out with friends who were home on spring break for most the week, almost everyday actually; it was great seeing them all again! I attended a gathering at Ann's house on Friday and on Saturday Laura, Ann, and I went to the conservatory at Como Park in St. Paul. There were lots of pretty flowers there. I must say the sunken garden was the best part. There were tons of blooming flowers, all in shades of pink, white, and festively happy colors. It was gorgeous. I hope to head up there again soon since the sunken garden is changing from its winter exhibit to its spring one. The conservatory said that the spring exhibit features bulbous flowers, like tulips and daffodils. I think that would be fun to see.

The puppy is adjusting well. She is already pretty spoiled and is as lazy a dog I've ever seen. Her favorite pastime is laying in the middle of the living room floor, that and snoring. My goodness! I've never heard a dog to snore like she does. I guess it's not too bad. Just every once in a while she'll let out a snore that sounds like it came from a grown man instead of a puppy. =P

Now for the main purpose of this post. I need help designing a web page. Since most of this blog's readers are IBM-ers, I figure someone out there might be web-design inclined or knows someone who is. I've already got the code all written out. The problem is that some of the graphics are not behaving. When I open the HTML file from my C: drive, it works fine: everything lays out like it should. However, when I open the actual web page, everything changes: the graphics don't extend to the bottom of the page and the main content text overflows into areas it shouldn't. I would be thrilled if I could get the silly page to behave in one web browser, but it'd be even better if the web page could be supported by different browsers and fit different sizes/resolutions of screens. I am not all that knowledgeable in computer languages: the only way I got this website put together was by using a free template and a WYSIWYG program (Nvu). So, yeah: I need lots of help. If you could help me fix my problem, or know someone who could, email me at telaldalin@msn.com. Thanks so much!

Oh, I want to thank everyone who has added a pin to my map. It's exciting to see how many people read my blog and where they all come from. =D

Wait! I've got more thank-you's that I've been forgetting to post:
Thank you Deneen and Alvin for the monkey PJ's. They're so cute!
Thank you also to Jana and Kelley for the orchid; it's beautiful.
And a general thank-you to everyone who has been sending me cards and flowers to brighten my day. =D

I think a rush of activities is coming up soon. For band at RCTC, we're traveling to Brainerd for a collaboration of college bands and choirs for a few days; the RCTC band will play a few pieces on its own, but we'll also be joining a band that's made up of all the attending colleges. It should be fun. My friend Jase has the performances for her play in St. Cloud starting this week; I hope to attend one of her shows in between playing sax for RCTC and having my next chemo treatment.

I'm not looking forward to chemo. I guess I never am, but it keeps getting to be more of a strain. Like I've said before, I'm sick of it. I hate being leashed to the pump and feeling the side effects of the oxaliplatin. No fun at all. The problem is that if I stop, it's not like everything is going to be all happy-go-lucky again. I think that's the impression people were getting from one of my previous posts. It really isn't all that easy to just pack-up my bags and go traveling. I still have my femur/hip to worry about. My mobility is so limited compared to what is used to be. I'm always worrying that it'll fracture, which after seeing a video of the various ways a femur can fracture I've decided does not look pleasant in the least. I still get tired quickly too. Not mentally tired, but physically. I'd have to say that's mainly due to my hip also: it gets sore and then I need to sit down. Meh, it bugs me.

But enough of that. I have a puppy who's wandering around looking like she needs someone to play with, so I think I'll go and do that. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"Save the cheerleader, save the world."

Hey.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been busy this week with friends being home on spring break and last week was chemo so I didn't feel like posting. But I'm getting to it now. =)

This happened near the end of February, on one of the snow days. Greg and I decided that the snow was just right for building snowmen and ventured out into the yard.










This first picture (on the left) is Greg and I beginning the construction of our snowmen. Mine is more of a small pile of snow while Greg's is already a decent sized base. Well, we continued building for a good part of the afternoon and this is what we came up with... The picture to the right is of my snowman David(pronounced: da-VEED). I decided not to go traditional-style in my snowman building, as you can tell. =D He didn't really have man-parts, by the way- just leaves. =P It was really funny when he started to melt because he kept leaning really far forward until he toppled over. The picture to the lower left is of Greg's snowman. I thought it turned out pretty cute.

I really don't know what all to write about concerning what I've been doing since I last posted. I was at state wrestling, which was fun. I've been reading quite a bit again: "Yay" for Diana Wynne Jones. And then last weekend Mom and I went and picked up a five-month old puppy from the humane shelter in Red Wing.

This is Claire. She got named after the cheerleader from the NBC television series "Heroes": "Save the cheerleader, save the world." It's actually kind-of appropriate since the character was adopted and we adopted the puppy. Claire is about the mellowest puppy you'll ever meet. She loves everyone and is quite fond of snuggling with people to take naps. She's the first inside dog I've ever had, so it's been lots of fun. She potty-trained really easy: she's smart like that. Oh, Claire is a border collie lab mix.


I guess that's about it. I'm on the full chemo treatment again. I hate it. Luckily the cold sensitivity isn't too bad yet and I haven't been vomitting.

Oh, you may have noticed that on the sidebar to the right there is a little icon that says "Map" on it. I thought it'd be neat to see how many people read my blog and where they're located. So if you feel like it, click on the icon and take a look at the map. A little bubble popped up for me asking if I was in Rochester, which is pretty much where I am, but I changed it to Eyota and filled out the the required spaces (name, email- optional to post a message). You don't have to enter in your real name. If you wish to remain anonymous, just put "Blog Reader" down as your name. You also don't have to enter a real email address. I tried out just putting down something random with "@" and ".com" in it and the site accepted it. If you put down your email address you automatically become a member of Frappr and get a goofy password assigned to you. So to avoid that, I would advise filling the email space with a made-up email address.

Okay. That's all the news I had.

~Cheryl

Update

I'm not having surgery. I've gone off Avastin for six weeks for nothing. This morning I had a CT-scan and X-ray. Dr. Pitot looked at both and reported that my tumors are getting worse. The radiation did little for my femur. The tumors on my liver are re-growing. There are specs of cancer on my lungs that weren't there before. So I won't be having surgery. Instead I'm going back to having the full chemotherapy treatment. That means I'm on Oxaliplatin again. That was the only thing that was really keeping my cancer at bay anyways. So I'll be cold sensitive again and constantly vomitting. I'll also be back on the Avastin, which means that if I do randomly fracture my femur I'll have to deal with the bleeding/healing issues that come with being on Avastin. No surgery means my mobility will remain hindered. No dancing or running around. Having radiation on my femur makes it more delicate as time progresses, so I have to be more careful to not randomly fracture it. I don't know if I'll stay on Avastin or Oxaliplatin, but the alternatives include severe acne and hair-loss as side effects. It mostly depends on how long I can tolerate the Oxaliplatin. Or how long the cancer reacts to it. It won't react to it half as well as it did before; actually, none of the drugs will work as well as they did before. By taking a break from Avastin/Oxaliplatin, I've reduced their potential to fight my cancer. That's also why we're looking into different chemo drugs. I'm thinking of just quitting chemotherapy. It's not doing much in the long run anyways. Dr. Pitot says it probably only makes a difference of a few months. Which doesn't matter much. He says I'm realistically looking at a year tops now, maybe half a year without chemo. I don't think I'll be going to college in the fall. What's the point? I hate my life; I'm just living to die. I have no purpose and I hate how people always say that they wish they could take this away from me. It annoys me because we all know it can't be taken away. I'm stuck with it. The end. Stop trying to wish it away. And stop saying you'd rather have it than me because I don't want you to have it. In fact, go out and get your colonoscopies when you're supposed to. I would give anything to have been forced to get a colonoscopy when this all started so that the cancer would have just been a stupid little polyp that could be removed during the colonoscopy. That's how easy this cancer is to prevent!! But what do people do? They never schedule themselves for a colonoscopy. That's why colon cancer is the second top killing cancer in the United States: because people are too embarrassed to take the means to prevent it. Stupid people. Have you seen the commercial by the American Cancer Society on colon cancer? The one where the guy uses the mashed potatoes as an example of a colon and a pea as a polyp? He just stabs the pea and the polyp is gone. It really is that simple. So let's see: quick polyp removal via a colonoscopy or chemotherapy that makes you vomit and feel like crap until the day chemo no longer works and you die. I think I would rather take the first option. But no. I'm the freak case that got this cancer way too early and therefore wasn't offered a colonoscopy. I was given a laxative and a pat on the head to reassure me that it wasn't anything serious. And now I'm angry, sad, and frustrated and seriously contemplating using the money in my savings account to buy a one-way ticket to Australia and never coming back. I'll just disappear down there and let everyone assume I'm on a vacation that never ends. Then no one will have to see me in my continually pathetic state and maybe they'll remember me as the healthy girl who graduated at the top of her class and was heading off to college in Iowa.

I'm sick of writing. I don't feel like reporting on anything else either.

~Cheryl

And did you notice the snow...

Good evening, America!

Okay, so my blog isn't really that popular, but I thought it could use a new and inventive introduction for this post.

I guess I haven't posted in a while, so I'll probably forget lots of details that I could have added to this post. Oh well; the post will still probably end up getting too long anyways.

First, in medical news...

I have completed my radiation therapy. I'm glad to be done with it. It was a nuisance going in to the Clinic everyday; however, the staff was great- I didn't have that evil nurse at all. Instead I had three really nice ladies who were social and made the whole process stress free. Oh, I timed how long the treatment actually is and I was zapped with radiation for about one minute every day: the machine shot me from above and below for thirty seconds each. Maybe I shouldn't use the words "shot" or "zapped": that makes it sound like it was painful. I think the right word would be "buzzed": The machine buzzed at me for a minute everyday. Then again, I don't think it was the machine, I think it was the "Energize" signal light that made the noise. Or not. I don't know. "Energize"- hehe, like Star Trek: "Beam me up, Scottie..."

Another little update:
We met with Dr. Pitot and asked him about surgery on my femoral head. He said we had to meet with Dr. Simms and get some X-rays/CT-scans on March 7 and the official date of surgery would be scheduled from there.

In the world of sports...

The Dover-Eyota wrestling team has made it to State! Wooooo! Go D-E!! It was pretty much one of the awesome-est wins ever. About half way through the match against Zumbrota-Mazeppa we all knew that our team would win. Very exciting. So this weekend (which starts Wednesday for most Dover-Eyotans), I will be heading up to St. Paul and the Excel Energy Center to cheer on the team. Yayayayayay! Hope the hotel has a pool 'cause I'm bringing my swimming gear this time!

And now for the weather...

In case you haven't noticed, it's snowing out there... a lot!! I was amazed at how much snow just appeared out of nowhere. Wow. The worst part about it though was the power failure that claimed our house last night at 7:30 p.m. and lasted until very late this afternoon. That meant no lights, no Internet, no television, and...*gasp*...no hot showers!! For those of you who don't know me well, a hot shower in the morning is my equivalent to a cup of coffee. I cannot fully function until I have had a hot shower, much like most adults cannot function until they have had their daily dose of caffeine via coffee beans. Thankfully, the roads were plowed well enough to allow my mother and I to escape to my aunt and uncle's house, where I gratefully accepted a hot shower and warm breakfast...and chocolate cake. For those of you who are wondering what happened to my dad and brother, they frolicked off to a Wild hockey game and left Mom and I to a electricity-deprived house. =P

Well, it's starting to get dark now and I think Zoe (my dog) wants some attention since she's been in her kennel all day. At least the temperature is still reasonable. =D

Much love,
Cheryl

"All for one and one for all..."

Hola!

Today I finally gave in and switched to the new Blogger system. Actually, I had no choice in the matter. It wouldn't let me post until I switched and signed up for a Google account. Good thing it was free, or I would not have been happy in the least. I guess there are supposed to be tons of cool new features, but I really haven't noticed any of them. The only thing that looks different to me is some of the layout when you sign in.

This last weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in a while. I went up to St. Paul and stayed at a hotel with some of my friends. It was awesome. Friday I went to the Mall of America with Ann and had a fabulous time shopping. Then on Saturday Ann, Connor, and I went on a mini road trip and kidnapped Laura and Jaselyn from Northwestern and St. Ben's University. We got back to our hotel room, ordered pizza, went swimming, and visited until the wee hours of the morning. I had a blast and must say I was reluctant to go home on Sunday. Hopefully I'll see everyone again during their spring breaks and we can plan something fun then.

Okay, now I must tell you the story of "The Radiation-Therapy Marks and the Swimming Pool." Dun-dun-dunnn!! =P

It all started with my trip to St. Paul. I decided not to pack my swimming suit so I would not be tempted to go swimming when I got to the hotel. I told myself I would be strong of will and resist temptation. Then Friday evening, Ann made the suggestion that we could roll up our pant-legs and sit with our legs in the hot tub. This was a splendid idea seeing as Minnesota is currently suffering from freezing temperatures and toes have the tendency to reflect said weather. So we rolled up our jeans and dangled our legs in the hot tub. At first this was satisfactory since the hot tub was, as its name states, very hot. But then my subconscious started to whisper to me, "Get in the water. Who cares about losing the radiation marks...?" At first I refused to listen, but I soon found myself hunched over and walking around the edge of the hot tub with my legs and arms trailing in the water like a crazy person. By this time my subconscious was screaming at me to sit in the hot tub, but I made it through the night without fulling submerging myself in chlorine-treated water and completely ruining my jeans. Saturday rolled around and now Jaselyn and Laura were in our company. At the hotel, the suggestion was made again about dangling our legs in the hot tub. My subconscious started nagging at me and I began to believe what it said: "It's okay to get in the water...The radiation people will never know that it was swimming that made the marks disappear...It only takes ten minutes to re-mark anyways...Start looking for sacrificial clothes to go swimming in...!" And then I snapped. I told everyone I was going swimming. I layered medical tape over my radiation marks and frantically started searching my bags for something to wear in the swimming pool. Everyone joined me in the search since Ann was the only one who had brought an actual swimsuit. The end result was all of us jumping into the swimming pool with a mix-match of clothing that we had lent to each other. We had tons of fun soaking in the hot tub and swimming in the pool, especially since we had it all to ourselves.


Ann, Connor, Jase, me, and Laura ready to go swimming.

Like I said before, Sunday I came home. I peeled off the layers of tape I had put over my radiation marks since having so much tape made my legs itch. Luckily, the multiple layers of tape had preserved the ink that had soaked into the first layer of tape. Getting the tape wet had caused the ink to bleed onto my skin, so when I took the tape off there were still faint marks on my leg. Then, I did the unthinkable: I re-traced the radiation marks with a Sharpie marker. They had told me not to. They had thought me too incompetent to do it. But I did it anyways. And guess what? They didn't even say anything about it when I had my first treatment yesterday! They actually said the marks looked good!! It's a dang good thing I went swimming this weekend or I would have been fuming with regret. That just goes to prove that if you ever get the itch to go swimming, you should just do it. Wow, that sounds like a Nike commercial...

I guess you might be interested in the actual process of my first radiation treatment. Well, it went like this: I got there, checked in, waited, changed into a gown, laid on a hard table, had my marks lined-up with lasers, got an X-ray, the radiation machine buzzed and zapped me for about a minute from above, I felt nothing- it was just like having an X-ray, the radiation machine rotated to go underneath me, I got zapped from underneath for another fraction of a minute, had another X-ray, and then I was done. The whole thing took less than ten minutes and was completely pain free. I repeat this whole procedure everyday this week; the only difference being that I won't have X-rays done daily, so the process will take about five minutes instead of ten. It almost feels like a waste of time since it's so short, but whatever. I guess it's going to help a bit, so I'll go along with it.

As you have probably noticed, there is a unique banner at the top of my blog. Though it looks like it could be an ad for an upcoming movie, it is actually for the book that is being published by my high school drama director, Mr. Little. I had mentioned before that his book was scheduled to be released June or July, but now it's scheduled to be in stores this spring. I hope everyone will take a minute of their time to visit Mr. Little's website to learn more about his book. All you have to do is click on the banner and it will route you to his page.

Well, I have to go eat lunch and get ready for treatment. That's really all the news I have anyways.

Until another day,
Cheryl

"To hear her sing, to see her dance..."

Hey-yo.

Today I had my simulation stuff to set up for my radiation therapy. It wasn't all that exciting. They brought me back to a waiting room, had me change into a gown, and then led me to a room with a "live X-ray machine." I had to lay on a hard table for about ten minutes while they used the X-ray machine and a bunch of laser lights to get me ligned up and marked me with marker so that when I come back Monday they can just lign me up again and start the radiation.

I don't know whether I really won the war against getting the tattoos. I came in and told them I would carry a marker with me everywhere and would remark myself any time the marks they made began to fade, but this one nurse growled at me that I couldn't do that. She said I might not get the marks in the right place. I still didn't get the tattoos because I was ready to go in to a panic attack if they pushed the issue, but I was mad that she had insulted my intelligence. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of tracing a couple of "X's" made with Sharpie marker. Grr. So now I have five "X's" drawn on my hip and sides that have some special tape put over them to prevent them from washing off; however, I can't go swimming like I planned to this weekend. I mentioned swimming at my appointment and the mean nurse's eyes nearly popped out of her head. Oh, well. I guess I can sacrifice swimming so that I don't have to get five evil dot tattoos.

The only other event of my day was going to band and choir. Choir was alright. I think I've come down with a bit of something, so my throat was sore and my voice wasn't at its best. Band was fun; our pieces are starting to come together.

Since my last few posts were rather long, I'll keep this one shorter.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Whenever you're down & out, the only way is up..."

Hola.

I just realized I've been pretty slack with my online calendar. Oops. Well, I think everyone is pretty well informed about what my daily schedule is via my blog posts, so I hope no one is too disappointed about me not keeping the calendar up-to-date.

There has been enough interesting happenings in my past four days that I thought I would update again.

The first happening was on Friday night, some hours after I had posted my last post. Greg blew-up our Pontiac Bonneville. Mom and I were sitting around watching TV when we heard a rather loud noise from the garage. I thought it was Greg slamming the side door shut as he left for the Snoball dance. Mom didn't tell me what she thought it was, but two minutes after the "Poof/Boom!" Greg walks in and tells me, "I killed Bonny." I thought he had maybe run over some animal of the neighborhood that had been named "Bonny," but he rephrased and said he had killed my car. Oh, by the way, Greg was not hurt- thought maybe I should mention that. =P I wasn't too upset over the loss of the Bonneville since it had not been running well recently and it always seemed to be heat deprived anyways. We're having it towed sometime this week and we're getting a few hundred bucks out of the arrangement, so it's not a total loss. If you want details about what all happened with the explosion, you'll have to talk to my dad or Greg. All I know is that something blew-up under the hood; I'm definitely not a technical auto-person.

Ok, on to my second happening. I went to Barnes & Noble and, surprisingly, I could not find a book. That's right. Barnes & Noble has failed me. Or maybe my favorite authors have failed me. I've already plowed through the couple of new books that have been released amongst the several authors I enjoy. All I can say is: "Let's go, Diane Duane! Let's get 'A Wizard of Mars' on the shelves!"

Third happening: The Super Bowl. My dad made a pleasant buffet of Super Bowl munchies and we sat, ate, and watched the Super Bowl. The commercials were very disappointing. I feel sorry for all those companies that wasted 2.5 million dollars to play their pathetic commercials during the Super Bowl. The only commercials that really stood out in my mind was the one with the mouse (Was it Blockbuster or Best Buy? I don't know, something with a blue and yellow logo) and the one with the lonely white dog who got splattered with mud and got to ride with the Budweiser dalmation. Otherwise, dumb commercials. The Super Bowl itself was about as entertaining as any other football game on television, which isn't very entertaining. The half-time show was alright, though I had to wonder what was up with Prince deciding to wear a head-scarf. It looked silly.

Then it was Monday already and I had to get up early for blood tests and chemo. I am now down to taking only Leucovorin and 5-FU since Oxaliplatin is evil and I can't be on Avastin for six weeks prior to surgery. Anyways, happening number four occurred after I was done with my infusion at the chemo ward. I was waiting in the pick-up area on ground level, waiting for my mom to pull up, when two guys came walking up. I swear they were members of the mob. Really! They both had fancy pin-stripe jackets and tucked-in neck scarves, dark hair and goatees, and the older of the two even had a fedora on! Picture perfect Italian mobster men. I almost laughed out loud. They were so stereotypical looking. I should have taken a picture of them. Oh, well. =D

So now it's Tuesday. I'm on the pump still and will be de-accessing myself tomorrow; this treatment has been going well- haven't been sick or feeling too tired. Today I had an appointment with a radiologist to see whether it was worth having radiation therapy on my femur prior to surgery. Well, my final happening was while Mom and I were waiting in the doctor's office. I was trying to balance my crutch and get it to stand upright. Mom said I couldn't do it. This was a dare. She said I could not accomplish it, so, of course, I had to prove her wrong. Three minutes later I had that crutch standing in the middle of the room all by itself. Boo-ya! I had accomplished the impossible! I began my victory dance and at that time Dr. Petersen (my radiologist) decided to walk in. There I was, not having met this woman before, dancing around like a crazy person. All I could do was point at my crutch and exclaim, "I got it to balance! She said I couldn't do it, but I did!" Luckily, Dr. Petersen is a nice lady and she just laughed and we started the appointment. Before I end this paragraph and explain the contents of my appointment, if you don't believe that I got the crutch to balance, the next time you see me just ask about it and I can show you pictures that I took of it on my cell phone. =D

Right, about radiation. Dr. Petersen filled me in about what would be going on since she thought that radiation might be useful in helping to prevent a fracture prior to my surgery.

Oh, let me state something quick: I do not have a date set up for surgery. I just know it will be coming up in the near future (beginning of March if Dr. Pitot gets his way- earlier if my hip surgeon tramples over the top of Pitot's opinion).

One more something: I was weighed today. With my coat and my pump, I weigh 119 pounds! Woooo! I'm thinking my coat/pump together can't weigh more than four pounds, so, at the least, I weigh around 115 pounds. Happiness. =D

Hmm, maybe I should just do a numbered list to explain things:
1. Radiation (how it works): photons will be shot at a precise location via a machine. The machine is set so that it doesn't target the skin cells it first passes through, so the bone is the bit that will be receiving the direct treatment. Other areas may be exposed to a few photons, but there are no freaky, dangerous side effects.
2. Pain: There is none. It's like getting an X-ray. I lay on a hard table and get radiation shot at my femur. I hold really still for those fifteen minutes (I get help from "immobilization devices"- which are basically cushions that are molded to the shape of my body) and then I'm done for the day.
3. Side effects: I might get a little tired, but that's nothing new since I get a little tired from chemo- so I can handle that. Radiation might screw-up my monthlies: they're already screwed-up from chemo, so that doesn't matter. It might weaken the bone that is being exposed to radiation: I'll be having that chopped off in a month, so that doesn't matter either. The skin might get a little pink where they're shooting me with radiation, but that probably won't happen since I'm not getting enough rounds of radiation for the skin to get irritated. Basically, I won't feel too many of the side effects. The whole treatment will be pretty painless.
4. The Treatment: I'm scheduled for 10 days of radiation. I start next week, which means I will be at the Charleton building Monday through Friday for at least fifteen minutes everyday. Then I get the weekend off and the next Monday I start the whole thing over again. After that, I'm done. Yay!

Tomorrow I have another appointment with Dr. Petersen. Basically, she's going to show me where I'll be going everyday to get ready for treatment, the machines they use, probably get my "immobilization devices" made up- if I need any, and mark the spot on me where they need to shoot the radiation at. Oh, guess what? They think they're going to give me a tattoo. It would just be a little dot, they say. My reply to that is: "You only think you're going to give me a tattoo. I will mark myself everyday with a marker so that you won't have to give me a tattoo." Blech. I don't want a little remembrance-dot on me. They even have a picture of them giving the tattoo to somebody in the brochure! Yucky. Plus, if it's the size of a freckle, how the heck are they supposed to find it again on me? I have so many moles and little freckles all over me that they'll be hard pressed to tell if the dot is natural or dye. Meh. I'm just obstinate when it comes to medical procedures that involve needles. They're lucky I've gotten over shots and having my port accessed.

Well, I guess that's about it. Oh, wait: It's official that I'm not going to Florida with RCTC, though Chuck (band/choir director) is still trying to convince me to go. I really would like to go, but I'm scared something will accidentally happen and I'll be separated from the group and rushed to some hospital that I know nothing about and will have no way to get in contact with the group again. Scary.

I've made it to band once this week. It was fun; I like band. Tomorrow I should be able to go to band and choir, though I think I've missed too many choir practices to sing at the next concert. Oh well; it's still fun to attend practices. Even my radiation appointments will be scheduled so I can go to band and choir. Yay for helpful scheduling staff!

Okay. I can't think of anything else. I'm sure I'll post again soon with updates about what I think of radiation and what I've been up to in general.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Kick my brains 'round the floor..."

Meh.

I forewarn you now: this post is just more grumbling. I am in a very grumbly mood today.

It all started very early this morning...very early....like 12 a.m. I wasn't sleeping well. Everything ached, especially my right leg. You know how they tell you not to put any weight on your leg and to be careful? Well, I've decided the only result of that is that you start moving around funny and probably make the movements more painful than they have to be since you're trying to be careful.

Anyways, I hurt. Finally, I went and told Mom that I felt like crud. So she gives me lots of drugs (anti-pain and anti-muscle stiffness, then eventually a Dayquil since it seemed I was developing a cold). After the medications, I'm in pain and my thoughts are all jumbled. All I want is sleep, but my leg is cramping and I keep feeling worse and worse.

Eventually I get up because I feel sick to my stomach. I don't throw-up, but I gag- which is not the least bit fun. You probably didn't want to know that, but the detail must be included to emphasize the crumminess of my day.

I pathetically crawl back into bed and the rest of my day is a confused jumble of sleeping, trying to lay in a way that won't make anything hurt, and being told I have to eat something.

Oh yeah, about mid-afternoon it is discovered that I'm running a low grade fever. By now it has escalated into a full-out fever and I'm bouncing between a high 100 and a low 101.

I feel like crud. I had already figured my day was not going to be the most pleasant, but this was just the icing on the cake. I missed band/choir and I still don't know if RCTC is going to Florida or not and if I can sell my spot to someone else.

Now I'm lying on the couch, eating Valentine's Day M&M's like they were pieces of cereal and sipping on a bottle of water.

I really need to shower. I smell icky. And I don't have my contacts in and I'm not the most fond of wearing my glasses all day.

I think I'm going to go shower. Maybe it'll help clear my head and relax my leg and other aches.

Sorry if you just read all my grumbliness. I just figured, "Why not just complain about your illness to family when you can let everyone know how disappointing your day has been?"

So, yeah, that's it.

I hope your day has been more pleasant than mine. Oh, and I apologize to anyone who tried to call me or see me today and was turned down. It's not that I didn't want to see/talk with you, my brain just wasn't put together enough and I smelled too bad to comfortably visit with anyone.

Ok, now that's it.

I'm gonna go shower.

TGIF, right?

~Cheryl

"Don't Cry Out Loud..."

I had started a post earlier this morning, but I temporarily lost internet connection and I had to leave for an appointment. That post was pretty enthusiastic, but my attitude has drastically changed over the course of the day. I guess this post will reflect that.

My day started with me getting up earlier than normal, getting breakfast, showering, and just bumming around. Actually, I was in a pretty decent mood since today I was scheduled for an MRI that would finally reveal what has been causing the pain in my hip, which I will now explain:

Earlier, in December, I had pain in my lower, right hip- more precisely in the socket area. Well, at the time, I believed it to be a pulled groin muscle. But the pain persisted and soon it was after Christmas and I was in the E.R. for severe cramping in my right thigh and the continued pain from my hip. X-rays were taken and it was determined to be just-a-muscle-thing. My chemo resumed after Christmas break and we related the story of my leg pain to Dr. Pitot. He also thought it was a just-a-muscle-thing. However, he later reviewed my previous CT-scans, which showed something funky in my femur head/socket area. He thought it might be AVN, which I don't really even know what that is, but it would have been caused by steroids I didn't know I had been taking. He decided that my chemo would proceed as normal and I would eventually get an X-ray of it when I got back from Florida or somewhere in that time frame.

Now back to today's explanation:

So my leg had been hurting and I have been walking around with a limp. Behind my back, Mom calls Dr. Pitot. Pitot decides that it is time for an MRI. I'm slightly excited because I have never had an MRI before and the machines of modern science fascinate me. I limp to my MRI, have the procedure done (that machine makes very interesting sounds), and afterwards I am told I can no longer walk and need a wheelchair. This slightly disturbs me. What disturbs me more is the fact that my 4 pm appointment with Dr. Pitot has been moved up to right after my MRI, which took place around noon. I'm wheeled to the tenth floor and Dad and I visit with Dr. Pitot.

As luck would have it, or maybe doesn't have it, the problem with my hip turned out to be more cancer, a cancer that is resistant to the chemotherapy treatments I've been having and that has devoured 70% of my femoral head on the right side.

I'm not allowed to put weight on that leg anymore. The options for treatment are:
1) Go with surgery right away to have the ball of my ball-and-socket removed and replaced with an artificial one as soon as the Avastin (chemo drug) has worn out of my system (which takes about six weeks to flush out of the body)
Pros) My leg won't fracture and cause more problems
Recovery time is fast: a couple of weeks
Cons) I'll be going down to Florida with a crutch/cane. Meh.
The whole surgery thing freaks me out.
I'll get another scar.
2) Use radiation therapy in hopes that it will be somewhat effective in re-calcifying the bone in my hip until the time when I have surgery/bone breaks.
Pros) It might help re-calcify my leg
Cons) It'll probably do nothing and my leg will eventually break
I'll still need surgery
I'll still get a scar
I'll still be going down to Florida with a crutch/cane
3) Do nothing
Pros) I'll continue with the chemo treatment I'm on, which seems to be effective in treating the rest of my cancer
Cons) My leg will break and it will be super painful
Surgery will not be half as tidy as it could have been
There will still be a scar
I'll still need to use a crutch/cane in Florida

As you can see, a lot of this revolves around how it will affect my Florida trip. I really don't want to go down there with a crutch/cane. There's no way I could keep up with the rest of the kids and do all the same activities. Plus, there's the risk that my femur will fracture while I'm down there, which would not be all that pleasant.

I'm really nervous about surgery. It scares me. But at least it's not dealing with major organs. Just bones. Just like it was just-a-muscle-thing and it was just constipation...Argh! What is it with people!? They've misdiagnosed me every time in relation to my cancer. First they thought it was constipation, which turned out to be colorectal carcinoma in an eighteen year old girl. Now it is just-a-muscle-thing that turns out to be colorectal carcinoma in a form that isn't responding to my current chemotherapy. Splendid. I'm glad I've won the freak lottery that keeps taking me down roads I never expected to be on. Not.

There's a poem that says all the things cancer can supposedly not do: "Cancer cannot silence courage, Cancer cannot corrode faith, Cancer cannot shatter hope..."
Let me tell you what: It can.
It stole away my first year at college and starting a new and exciting life. It stole my future. It stole away my dreams of being an old, crazy cat-lady with my best friend. And now it is stealing away from me something as simple as being able to go out dancing and running around with friends. What more could it take from me!? My life? Pfft. I'm already living without a purpose. I wake up every morning and there's nothing I have to do. I wake up just to go back to sleep most days. The life of luxury for some, a constant torment for others.

I'm always told about things I could join in. I could help with the high school musical, stay with band/choir at RCTC, tutor little kids or help with their classes at the elementary. But I don't feel like I belong; I know people are just letting me join in because they feel sorry for me. It's so stupid, and I know I'm full of self-pity, but I would give anything just to have to wake up early in order to go to class and take a test. I just want to be normal again. And I know there's no real definition of "normal," but I would love to be close to the stereotypical version, instead of some medical freak. I want to be able to move again without pain. I want to be able to wake up and not be screaming in my head that I can't wake up from this nightmare no matter how hard I try...

Well, dinner is ready and I don't feel like saying anymore. It'll just be more wallowing and you probably don't want to hear it.

"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings..."

~Cheryl

"The seeds will grow, the flowers bloom..."

Ha! Victory is mine! The blog actually let me post a picture! Well, this is my crazy plant lady. It's not the whole drawing and not of the best quality because I don't have a scanner and had to just take a picture of it and load the picture onto my computer. You can kind of see the flowers she's pollinating. It looks better when you can see all five flowers and the ground below her; it makes it look like she's just drifting around more. But I'm happy with how she turned out, especially her face since I have problems with drawing faces.

"I know you still like old-fashioned waltzes..."

Hmm, guess it's about time to update again.

What have I been up to, lemme see...

Well, band and choir have resumed at RCTC, though as of yet I have only had two real choir classes during which we sang and one real band practice where we've played something. It's a little disappointing, but things should pick up since I think we have a concert coming up in February. Part of the not playing is due to informing new choir/band members about the Florida trip that the music department is going to take during Spring Break. I'm excited about that. We're not performing or anything while we're down there, it's just a trip for fun. I am a little apprehensive, though, since I don't know anyone who is going (all the people I've met in choir/band aren't able to come) and I don't know how much alcohol will be present. I really hope there is a group who is alcohol-free or at least is responsible about drinking and won't criticize me for not drinking. Anyways, I think it should be fun, given I make some friends (which I have been guaranteed I would, so it shouldn't be a problem) and the weather is good. As a group we see lots of dinner shows, go to amusement parks and the beach. I'm excited to go to the beach. It'd better not be raining that day.

Throughout January I've been attending wrestling meets, which are lots of fun- as long as they don't take over three hours. Last night I went to my first boy's basketball game. Sadly, they lost, but Greg played. Yay for Greg!

What else...

Oh, during Christmas break and into mid-January (so about a week ago) I've been helping edit a book that was written by my high school drama director, Mr. Little. He's going to go through and self-publish the book and it should be available at Barnes & Noble by mid-summer. It's a really good book and I recommend that everyone should purchase it once it's been released. =D If you'd like to learn what the book is about, you should check out this site: The Centurion. The post that tells about the book is located at the bottom of the page. Even if you check out Little's site and find you wouldn't be interested in such a book, I ask that you still go forth and tell other people about it- 'specially if you know someone who would probably enjoy it.

Yeah, that was one of the highlights of my January: editing. I got to feel smart and important. =D

But the biggest highlight of my January, by far, is the butt-whooping that the Dover-Eyota Drama Monkeys brought to the One-Act Play Conference Competition last weekend. For years D-E has struggled to even make a placing in the competition. Last year, we finally placed and got a close 2nd to St. Charles. It was amazing; we were all ecstatic. But this year, the cast of "The Swimmer" has scored first in the conference!! It is a landmark in Dover-Eyota history: the thespians of D-E have scored first in competition. So to all the Monkeys who put such great effort into their performance and finally beat St. Charles, Congratulations!! I can't wait for you guys to go to State! Know that I'll be the first in line to battle for coach buses and fancy hotel rooms, paid by the school district, for you guys when you head up there. =D
**If you haven't seen "The Swimmer" yet, there will be a free performance in the Dover-Eyota High School auditorium after the girl's basketball game this Thursday, January 18th.**

Now I'm remembering a fountain of things I've been up to...Eep!...

I've been helping a few friends with songs for the Cancer Telethon, which is this weekend. I'll be accompanying two pieces Sunday morning, one song is "The Rose" and the other "Tears in Heaven," for a few of my friends. It should be fun, and a little nerve-wrecking, but I'm excited- though not about having to get up early.

I started clogging again! Yay! It's nice to be dancing again with other people. I found my teacher from Allegro Dance Studio is now teaching at the studio in Zumbrota, so I'm dancing up there on Thursday nights. Actually, my class is going to be performing Saturday night at the Cancer Telethon, but that's the day I get de-accessed from my chemo pump- so I'll be way too tired that night to dance. =(

That brings me in to Health News de Cheryl...

Tomorrow I have another chemo treatment. I can't even remember what round I'm on anymore, but I know they'll just be a steady thing in my future until they don't work anymore. Chemo is going a lot easier since I've stopped taking the Oxaliplatin (evil chemical...very evil...). The pump, however, has become increasingly annoying. I just can't stand being leashed to that thing for two days; it bugs me. I've kind-a come to a point where I just lounge around in pajamas the two days and don't do much of anything because it's too much effort to try and look decent. I guess this week I'll make an effort since Ben has a wrestling meet Friday that I'd like to attend and the Monkeys have their sub-section competition early Saturday morning. Hmm, I think that means I'll also be learning how to de-access myself since I'll probably be in Wabasha the time my chemo treatment ends and I don't feel like leaving Wabasha to go to the Clinic for a 30 second process. Yep, will definitely be de-accessing myself. Whoopee.

The other day I decided to start drawing again. I’m not much of an artist; my only skill lies in drawing with a Number 2 pencil. So I hunted down a sketch-pad and started doodling. I’m not very good at drawing normal scenes, so I tend to make up stuff. The end result this time was a plant-lady that’s floating and extending her “arms” towards some flowers in order to pollinate them. Her “arms” are more like leafy things with tendrils on the ends. It’s weird. I’ll try to post it on the blog, but I’ve had problems in the past with posting pictures. So if it doesn’t work, just use your imagination and maybe you’ll think of something like what I’ve drawn. =D

Besides reading Little’s novel, I’ve also gone through a couple of other books. The only one I’ve found worth mentioning is the book Beka Cooper Terrier, by Tamora Pierce. It is fantabulous, but that is to be expected in a book by Pierce. It’s about a girl on a medieval police guard making a life for herself in the city slums, a serial killer, a little strange magic, and a mysterious project involving the major thieves of the city. I recommend it to all teenage girls over the age of sixteen. Yep. =)

Okay, this post has gotten plenty long.

Before I end it, I’d like to give a thank-you to Carolann, who gave me some beautiful healing stones. Thank you very much; I love them. =D

Much love to everyone,
Cheryl

"And a Happy New Year..."

Hola!

I hope everyone's holidays were fantabulous.

Mine went pretty well. The actual holidays were great. Christmas Eve I was with my mom's side of the family and Christmas Day I was with my dad's. I got to visit with family and friends and eat lots of good food both days. It was fun. New Year's Eve I celebrated with friends.

Other holiday-break activities included making rosettes with my aunt and cousin, going to an indoor water park (Water Park of America- lots of fun: the slides are awesome), and going to the movie "Night at the Museum" with friends and just hanging out.

I'm sure I'm forgetting quite a bit, but the break was pretty busy. I know a couple days were laid-back: I just stayed at home and read a book or I went shopping with Mom.

And for a health update...

On the 20th, both Mom and I had the stomach flu. It was not fun, to say the least. I couldn't keep anything in my stomach all day and I finally ended up going to the hospital with a 102.4 degree temperature. At the hospital, I sat around for a couple hours, then finally got hooked up to an IV, and then had to wait another couple of hours for the IV to drain into my system. The next day I missed a performance of Peter Pan since I was too sore to move. Like I said, not fun.

But I recovered and was well for a while. Then one day I managed to re-pull a muscle by my hip, which left me limping around. The limp worsened as my thigh began to cramp. I took all the pain meds I knew I was allowed to take, but nothing helped. So New Year's Eve I went back to the hospital. The doctor there gave me a muscle relaxant and a serious pain medication. I don't know if either really helped with the pain much, but the pain medication made me so loopy and tired that I was able to get to sleep and not be concerned about my leg.

Yesterday I was reintroduced to my chemo treatments. I told the nurses about my leg and they called Dr. Pitot down to talk to me. He said the same thing as the doctor in the ER, that the pain was most likely muscular. That was good news, but then he had to come back and say he had considered another possibility for the pain. Pitot said it might be AVN, which I forget what it stands for, but it basically meant the steroids they had been giving me before (didn't even know I was receiving steroids, or maybe my definition of steroids differs from his) were creating little moth-eaten-like holes in the socket of my hip. My first thought was, "Great. And they didn't mention the possibility of me getting this earlier because...?" To make the news even better, he tells me there isn't anything they can do to help AVN except give meds that help relieve the pain. Meh. So if the pain in my leg/hip gets any worse, I'm supposed to let Pitot know. I don't think it's getting worse, but then again I just hung-out in bed all day and didn't do much moving at all. When I finally did get up, it didn't seem like the pain was any worse and I don't think I was limping as bad as I was before. Hopefully the pain will just go away in the near future.

Like I said before, I started chemo again yesterday. Today and half of tomorrow I'll be hooked-up to the pump. Definitely not the most fun of things; I hate lugging it around everywhere and it makes normal bathing near impossible. I'll be glad when it comes off tomorrow.

Well, I guess that's about it. My holidays were great, with the exceptions of being sick and limping. I don't start band/choir at RCTC again until the 8th, and I hope to see some more of my friends during the day before they go back to school.

ttyl,
Cheryl

"Close your eyes, listen to the skies..."

Hmm, I don't know what happened, but for some reason the last post didn't allow comments; therefore, I'm putting up a new post in case people feel like commenting.

I don't really have anything new to report. The performance of Peter Pan last night went well and we had a great audience. There were quite of few younger kids, which is always fun, and they laughed and screamed in all the right parts. We actually had a few kids who were nervous when the pirate ship came out. Mwahaha.

So, just to give this post a little more length, I'm composing a list of holiday happiness. These are just random things that make me smile during the festive season. Oh, and it's not in any particular order.

My Top 20 Holiday Happiness List

1. Festive, knee-high toe socks
2. My stocking that has little jingle bells on it
3. The hidden pickle ornament on our tree
4. A Christmas tree which lacks the Christmas walleye in plain sight and the three mushroom ornaments that are strung across the bottom
5. The snow globe with the train that moves and plays "Winter Wonderland"
6. Christmas lights that aren't burned out or arranged oddly around our garage
7. Watching the Muppet's Christmas Carol with Beth & Bri
8. Planning holiday gatherings with friends
9. An entire dining room table, plus a card table, full of Christmas goodies
10. Eating Christmas fondue until you're about twice your normal size
11. Flavored hot chocolates- especially hazlenut or French vanilla
12. Playing "Peanuts" with the family and getting overly competitive about it
13. Singing Christmas carols or playing them on piano/sax
14. Having just enough snow to cover the ground in order to go sledding
15. The classic Rankin-Bass holiday shows, like "Year Without a Santa Claus"
16. Making candycane cookies with Mom
17. Being isolated with the rest of the "kids" for Christmas dinner, even though the youngest kid is seventeen =P
18. Still believing in Santa Claus
19. Candle-lit midnight mass
20. Visiting with friends and family and not having to worry about school/work the next day

There we go. I think that's a pretty good sized list. Hopefully the comments will work again. Feel free to post your own holiday-happiness list. It'd be fun to hear some of the unique things that make people enjoy the season.

Much love,
Cheryl

"Holly leaves and Christmas trees..."

Yayayayayayayayayayay!!! I am done with all my tests!! No more online courses for me! Wooooo!!

Sure, I kind-a slacked off through out my online courses and my grades are probably looking more like B's than A's, but you know what? I don't care. I really didn't like taking courses online and I didn't apply myself half as much as I would were I in normal classes. Oh well. Like I said, I don't really care if I end up with B's in those classes and they forever tarnish my college GPA. I just don't care.

Anyways, I'm just happy to be done with them. Now I can spend my days doing whatever I want and not have to worry about taking silly online tests. Don't think that just because I'm not taking college courses doesn't mean I won't keep myself busy. I'll still be going to RCTC for band and choir, which is always fun. I'm also helping with the high school musical this coming spring, so I'll probably start looking at the score for that since I think I'm being put in charge of directing the pit orchestra (if we can get one together) and I may even be in charge of a bit of choreography.

Oh, I hadn't mentioned it in the last post, but I got a new saxophone!!! It's beautiful and it plays great! My Gma & Gpa H. got it for me as an early X-mas present. I'm so happy. I was playing a few Christmas tunes on it last night and I loved how it played. Very smooth. Made me happy. =D

Let's see...

Last night I went to the high school choir concert. I thought it went well; they sounded good. The only thing I could comment on was the lack of enthusiasm on the choir members' faces. They could have smiled a bit more or something. Oh well. After the concert I went to Baker's Square with Ben, where we met up with about twenty other members of the choir for pie. It was fun and the pie was good.

Tonight I resume my performances of Peter Pan. I'm a little nervous about people remembering lines, especially the younger kids, since we've had a week off. Hopefully they were reviewing their lines throughout the week. Otherwise I expect the play to go well. It usually does...unless we fly Peter Pan into a window again, which I doubt we will so don't get your hopes up. =P

Christmas continues its approach and I have yet to do any Christmas shopping. I hope to get to it sometime next week, but there's still the question of what to get everyone. I'll probably just end up making something as gifts. Crafts tend to go better for me than buying things.

Yeah...

I want to thank everyone for their support and comments on the last post. I'm glad people find it okay that I've been angry with God and that they're not going about and calling me blasphemous.

I guess most of my feelings are fountaining from my frustration. It was bad enough before I had cancer and was trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life. Now it's even worse. I was so used to hearing the word "Yes" in my future: Yes, you're going to college; Yes, you'll find a career you love; Yes, you'll own your own house and get married and have kids, etc. And now I've hit a big "No": No, you're not going to grow old and die peacefully in your sleep after you've lived out a normal life.
It's like having the red carpet rolled out before you and you're so excited because you can't see its end, but that doesn't matter because you know it's out there, waiting for you to walk down it. Then, all of a sudden, the carpet is cut away five feet in front of you and you're left standing at its end, staring out into the abyss which is now your future, and wondering what path you're supposed to be walking on now. It's so frustrating!
I don't know if I'll live long enough to put anything I learn in college to use. I don't know if my cancer will continue reacting to the chemo long enough for me to experience all the things that are offered to you throughout a normal lifespan. I don't know if a miracle will happen and they cure my cancer and then I don't know how to support myself because I decided not to go to college so I could do all the fun things I thought I wasn't going to get to do later in my life, like traveling to exotic places and such not. I just don't know!
There are too many "what-if's" and not being able to make a plan scares and frustrates me to no end. And what is scarier is that I know that the rest of my life is going to be that way, not knowing what's coming next. I know there's an argument that everyone's life is like that and I have a suitable counter argument, but I'm hoping you just understand what I'm getting at and you'll give me a call if you really want to push the issue because I don't feel like trying to explain it on the web.

So that pretty much sums up the reason why my last post was so angry and why some nights I just break down crying.

I don't want to seem like I'm trying to seek out pity, I just feel like I need to explain myself so my actions don't seem so erratic.

Okay, I need something happier to say as I step off my soapbox.

I'm almost done making a birthday present I started for a friend who had her birthday in October. Yeah, I know, the gift's coming a little late, but I just recently brained up the most suitable and original idea for her gift. I think I'll try and get a picture up of it once it is done because I think it's turning out really neat.

In other news, my dad has recently adorned our yard with birdfeeders and now our yard is always occupied by an assortment of birds. By the house we usually get lots of goldfinches and in the yard we have blue jays, cardinals, chickadees, red-cockaded woodpeckers, the occasional house finch, and recently we've seen a huge pileated woodpecker at the suet-feeder. It's fun to watch them. Oh, we also have a couple crazy squirrels that run around out there too. I think I might see if I can get some of the birds to eat from my hands. I know it'll take a while, but I think the end result would be worth it. We'll see though. If I don't need oxaliplatin I think I'll definitely put some time into feeding the birds. =D

Oh my gosh, I know this is random, but I saw the cutest little birds at Petsmart the other day (I dragged my mother in there to look at kitties). I have no idea how to care for birds or even if I could get a bird because I might go to school next year, but if I were to ever get a bird, I'd get this kind of bird. It was called a blue capped cordon bleu finch. It was super cute and little. It's not the kind of bird you handle and stuff, but that's okay. Yeah, that's my randomness. I thought everyone should know of the cuteness which is the blue capped cordon blue finch. =D

There. Now my post is terribly long, yet it ends on a happy note.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful week and that finals are going well for those who are in college.

Oh, and Happy Birthday Bri!

~Cheryl

"My life is changing, I'm rearranging..."

I know I haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry; I've been pretty busy and when I'm not busy, I've been lazy.

Peter Pan is going well. We've only flown Peter Pan into a window once. Don't worry, there wasn't any glass involved. He just crashed into a styrofoam frame, made it crack a bit, and otherwise everything was okay. The set didn't roll into the audience and Peter Pan wasn't hurt. It was funny afterwards, especially since James (Peter Pan) covered so well. Anyways, that's been the only incident. We now have all our cues worked out and the performances are about the best they can be. They're lots of fun, though awfully time consuming. On Saturdays I wake-up, go to the play, perform, and then hang-out in the green room with all the actors and eat pizza until it's time for our next performance. After that I go home and read a book or something and then go to bed. Very long days, very exhausting. Hopefully we won't have pizza again this Saturday; I heard a rumor that we might be having sandwiches, but we'll see.

My doctors appointments didn't quite go like I wanted them to. There was good news, but there was also a revelation that I wasn't ready for.

The good news is that the cancer is still reacting to the chemo and it hasn't visibly spread anywhere else. Other good news includes me not having to take oxaliplatin in my next treatments. That means I won't be cold sensitive and super nauseous through the holidays.

My revelation was that surgery is in fact not in my future. I thought there was a glimmer of hope that it was, but it's not. Surgery is for people who are getting better. I'm not getting better. Though I'm not currently getting worse, my health is not improving either. I knew my cancer had a slim survival rate, but I thought there was still a chance of getting rid of it. Not necessarily curing it, but maybe removing all the cancerous tissue and having all my bone re-calcify. I guess not. The news was like a slap to the face. All the doctors before seemed to imply that I might live out a normal life and everyone said this was just a detour. It's not a detour; this is the road I'm stuck with and it's bumpy and it will end in five or eight years at most. The chemo isn't treating my cancer; it's just stabilizing it. And one day it just won't be able to control it anymore and I'll be done. I can't have surgery to get rid of it because there is just too much of it in my liver and where it is at in my hip is an impossible place to have surgery done. Everyone had made it sound like the cancer in my hip was the least of my problems, but it's not. And they had made it sound like there was a chance of me getting rid of it in my liver through surgery, but that's not likely either.

So that's what I learned this last Friday. Not really what I wanted to hear, but that's life for you.

Just so I don't like to much of a pessimist, in other good news:
I'm done with my college courses this week. I have one more test and a final left and then I'll be done.
I recently found that my old clogging teacher is teaching classes in Zumbrota, so I'll get to start clogging with other people again if I can make it to classes.
The lack of oxaliplatin in my chemo is leaving me with an appetite and the ability to eat chilled foods, so I'm gaining weight.
Christmas break is in a couple weeks for my friends, so I'll get to see all of them soon.

I don't know if I'll be celebrating Christmas this year. My faith has been steadily crumbling the last few months and Friday's news definitely moved that deterioration along. I'll probably get a few comments on that; I know my mom is worried. I just don't know what to think. People have told me that having cancer will make you stronger and that God only chooses those who can endure it. To me, it seems true to those that have treatable cancers, like leukemia. But what about everyone else? "Cancer makes you stronger for the last five years you have left to live? The last five years of a life that was just starting out. That was just about to go out and make something of itself." How lame does that sound? It doesn't seem like there really is a God. If he really loved his children, he wouldn't let them get cancer. Or he'd at least come and give you a hug when you need one. And no, it's not good enough to get them through other people. That's lame too.

Yeah, I'm probably attacking the religion of almost everyone who reads this blog and probably am getting quite a few gasps. I'm sorry. That's just what I'm feeling right now.

I didn't mean to end this post on an angry note, but that's how it's going to be. Tough cookies.

~Cheryl

"I do believe in fairies!" *Clap-clap* "Wooooo!"

Happy Turkey Day!

Okay, it’s a little bit late to be saying that, but I had lots of stuff keeping me busy this past weekend to actually say it on Turkey Day.

This weekend made me realize how many things I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for my family, including the families who have “adopted” me into their homes. My families have been my cheerleaders and supporters through every step of the way and I’m so grateful for that.

I’m thankful for the guy who sits behind the desk in the chemo ward and schedules appointments, who was nice enough to reschedule my chemo round from the day after Thanksgiving to this Monday. My weekend really couldn’t have been possible if I had had chemo on Friday.

I’m thankful for my friends. People came home from college this weekend and I got to visit with them and eat cardboard pizza. It was great. We even got to watch a festive movie. I can’t until they come home for the holidays. Oh, and I finally got my birthday present from Jase. Thanks, Jaselyn. =D

I’m thankful for the cast and crew of Peter Pan. I love being in this show. The people are so awesome. It’s almost like my Drama Monkey family, definitely not as close knit, but we’re a family of sorts. Being in the play has given me a life, something to get up and go to. I’m glad I got cast so I could run around and be a crazy pirate with a whole bunch of other goof-balls.

I’m thankful for a returned appetite. Postponing chemo treatments gave extra time for my body to rest and return to something of a state of normalcy. I ate like a normal person from Thursday to Sunday. I had full helpings at both Thanksgiving meals I attended and on Saturday at play practice I was eating constantly. All I can say is that clementines and chocolate covered nuts tasted pretty dang good.

I’m thankful to Jon, Ben, Brian, Jeff, Brandon, Matty, Josh, Robert and Greg, who all came and sang to me at the hospital today while I was getting treatment. I was so surprised! I absolutely loved their performance; they sounded great. Actually, everyone in the chemo ward liked them. So a big thank-you goes out to each of them, the parents who drove them, and Mrs. Forsman for excusing them from class to come brighten my day.

I’d also like to thank Speedy. No one around here knows Speedy, but he is a talented graffiti artist who has put his talents to making a piece of art dedicated to the blue star of hope. Thanks a ton, Speedy. Your artwork is great.

Ergh. I've tried several times to get a photo of Speedy's art onto the blog, but it's not working. I'll try to get it up in another post.

Right. I didn’t really describe my weekend in order, so maybe I’ll do a better job of doing that now.

Thursday I was with my mom’s side of the family to celebrate Thanksgiving. We ate turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, a crazy Jello dish, and pie. It was fantabulous. Then the ladies, and James, went to the Festival of Trees. Bri and I decided that each tree was subject to extensive judgment and running commentary to determine where it rated on a scale of one to ten. Needless to say, everyone else had seen every tree in the place twice while Bri and I had only seen about half of the room. But the judging was fun and we got lots of funny looks.

Friday I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with Ben’s family in Eyota. I had a good time. The food was excellent. We watched movies and played Catch Phrase. Lots of fun. After that, Ben and I went to Laura’s to visit with Jase, Connor, Ann, Robert and of course Laura. I had fun. We played with knitting needles and watched people make fools of themselves as they played Guitar Hero.

Saturday morning, from nine to two, I had tech rehearsal at the Civic Theatre. It was a very long practice. Lots of waiting. But the pirates did get a chance practice their song and throw Indians off a five foot high platform onto three squishy mattresses. And I got to jump on the mattresses like a little kid. I was amused.

After play practice I took a nap and then had friends over for a cardboard pizza and a movie. Everyone was gone earlier enough that Ben and I could finally watch “The Polar Express.” I had wanted to watch that movie for three days before I finally got to. It’s a cute flick, definitely a holiday classic. It has really good music too.

Well, I started this post Monday evening and now it’s Tuesday. I couldn’t post it last night because my play practice ended up being five hours long and I didn’t get home until 11 pm. I felt really crummy by then too. I crawled in to bed as soon as I got home; I didn’t even bother to take out my contacts or change into pajamas, just laid on my bed and had Mom rub my back for a while until I fell asleep.

I’m feeling better this morning. My stomach hurts a little bit and I’m back to being cold sensitive. At least the weather is warmer than they predicted. No snow yet, thank goodness. The rain is kind of pleasant, in a dreary sort-a way, though I would prefer a little sunshine. Maybe I’ll take Zoe for a walk today if it clears up a smidgen or if I can get bundled up well enough.

I’ll be sure to update you all again. The end of this week I start performances for Peter Pan and next week I finally have my CT-scans again so I’ll know what’s coming up next.

~Cheryl

"But I would walk 500 miles..."

Hola!

I realized that I never posted the results of my tests on Thursday.

Well, the sigmoidoscopy (oooh, fancy technical word) revealed nothing. The doctor in charge of the procedure said my stent hasn’t moved and that there is nothing that’s obstructing the current opening. All that was learned was that there is scar tissue there and that the stent isn’t the same length as the tumor, but that’s not a problem since nothing is closing off and such. The conclusion was that the bleeding is just a part of a treatment and not to worry about it unless it greatly starts to affect my hemoglobin levels.

On Friday I had an appointment with Dr. Pitot. I guess it went alright. I learned that I’m at my lowest weight yet and that it is beginning to become a concern. Dr. Pitot retold me what I already know: snack frequently and eat high calorie foods. The only problem with that is that one of the high calorie foods he recommended are those energy smoothie things and they only taste good (I’ve heard) when they’re chilled, so my cold sensitivity poses a problem in consuming such beverages. I’m trying to snack more frequently so that it’s alright that I’m eating lighter meals, but I’m still having issues with getting sick to my stomach. I’ll eat, feel fine for a bit, and then start feeling nauseous. I don’t know what the problem is. It’s not like I’m trying to starve myself. I’d be fine with regaining about fifteen of the pounds I’ve lost, it’s just that my stomach currently act like it’s battling against me. I guess we’ll see in the next few days if I can put some weight back on. I hope I do; I’m tired of having jeans that don’t fit.

In other news…

Peter Pan rehearsals continue on. We’re getting down to just having issues with technical things, like set changes and how our scenes will actually work with a complete set. The practices are still fun though. The pirates are a great group to hang-out with; we’re collectively creative and find lots of funny things to add to the play. At the last rehearsal we practiced our intermission song and figured out what we were doing at the beginning of the pirate ship scene. The song is going fairly well. We don’t all sing the same notes or rhythms, but it sounds alright. On Monday I’ll bring in my bouzouki and whistles and maybe we’ll get a few more details set in stone. Then, on December 1st, our performances start. I’m hoping that my chemo treatments will be minimal during the month of December so I’m not feeling yucky during performances or having to hide the pump in my costume. That, however, all depends on what my CT-scans show and if Dr. Cima says, “Surgery,” or, “Chemo.”

Oh, I got an e-mail today from my friend Helen. It was a forward, but it was pretty clever for a forward. The topic of the forward was a bunch of statements that play with words. Here are a couple of my favorites:
1. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
2. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: the small medium at large.
3. A grenade fell on to a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

There were lots more, but I think those were some of the best ones.

Okay, that’s enough for today.

I will fill you in if anything interesting happens.

~Cheryl

"If You Are Paying Attention Please Yell..."

Grr…

The Clinic makes me mad sometimes. They say they’ll call you back, but of course they don’t call you until half a day later.

I’ve run into this problem twice within the past five days.

The first time was on Monday. For some reason, Saturday morning I woke up with a cold. It was horrible. My head was congested, my sinuses hurt, and I had just been de-accessed from the pump, so I was scheduled to feel like crud anyways. But still. Having a cold on top of everything was not what I wanted. So Saturday and Sunday I was miserable because no one is at the Clinic on weekends who can tell me what drugs I’m allowed to take while I’m on chemo and various other prescribed drugs. Monday morning my mom calls the Clinic to find out what I’m allowed to take. Remember, she called them at about 8 a.m., as in early. The Clinic promises it will call back with an answer shortly. Four hours later we finally get a call that says I could have taken whatever over-the-counter drugs I wanted to help with my cold. Ugh. That means I spent 2.5 days in complete misery when I easily could have remedied my situation at any time with a couple of Sudafed.

Another problem arose about the same time Saturday. I started bleeding again and bleeding quite a bit. We decided to wait on the problem since it was the weekend and it could have been caused by trivial circumstances. Monday the problem persisted. I continued to insist that we could hold off calling the doctors. After all, Dr. Pitot said I would know if bleeding were caused by something as serious, and rare, as a perforation in the lining of my large intestine. He said there would be blood, there would be misery, and there would be lots of pain. Yes, there was blood, but there wasn’t anything above the usual cramp-i-ness I feel because of the stent. So now it was Tuesday and I definitely didn’t want to go in to the Clinic because Tuesday night my mom, dad, and I were going to Ames, Iowa to see the totally awesome Blue Man Group.

I must interrupt my rant to put in a word about the Blue Man Group. There are a couple of things I think everyone should experience some time in their life. One is go see Cirque du Soleil. They’re awesome. It’s a crazy, modern circus with sweet music and incredible acts. The second thing is go see the Blue Man Group. The show we saw last night, “How to be a Megastar 2.0,” was incredibly entertaining and I’m sure everyone who would go would enjoy it (except the lady who was sitting next to us and seemed to be disturbed by all the flashing lights). The best part was the comedic acts between songs. For this show it was an instruction manual for being a rock star, so the Blue Men were instructed on how they should “establish a signature style of choreography,” “play traditional rock pieces to cover up how much of a [jerk] you have become,” and various other rock-star trademarks. It was so funny. I liked the audience participation. We were taught “key choreography,” such as bobbing-of-the-head and raising-the-roof. It was fun watching the entire audience, from old people to little kids, put their hands up and yell at the top of their lungs. In conclusion, it was an awesome experience that I would definitely go to again and recommend everyone else should see.

Okay, back to my rant.

Today is Wednesday. Dad stayed home because we determined Tuesday night that we would call the Clinic today about the bleeding. My dad called the clinic at 8:30 a.m. My original plans for the day included taking a test in the morning and then going to choir and band at RCTC. Well, I had to call in and tell my proctor that I couldn’t make the test and that I didn’t know when I was going to be in to take it. Then I missed choir because we were still waiting for the Clinic to call. I haven’t been to choir yet because of being sick and waiting for the Clinic to call back. Finally I just decided to go in to RCTC and go to band practice and then take my test. So I went in to RCTC. I guess somewhere between 2-4 p.m. the Clinic finally called back and got things sorted out with my dad. It looks like tomorrow, bright and early, I will be going in to the Clinic for a colonoscopy to check out what’s going on with the stent and see what’s causing the bleeding. I’m scheduled to be there at 6:45 a.m. for preparation stuff, followed by the examination. Meh. That’s a little too early for me, but hopefully it means I’ll be awake enough to go to choir and band.

So that’s my news. Not the most pleasant of news, except for the stuff about seeing the Blue Man Group, but that’s all I’ve got.

We’re playing Christmas tunes in band and I’m finally getting to know some of the kids. It’s a nice daily activity to participate in. =D

Tonight I have practice for Peter Pan. Right now I’m having mixed feelings about going. It’s like I want to go, but I don’t want to do anything. I don’t know; I’m just being lazy. If I think about it, I know I’ll have fun if I go and it’s better than staying at home and doing nothing.

Right. I’m done.

Hope y’all have a pleasant rest of the week.

~Cheryl

Leaping Lizards, It’s a Blizzard!

Aaaaaah! Where did all this snow come from!? I woke up this morning to the sound of thunder and I was thinking, “Oh, it must be raining outside,” but when I looked out my window there was white everywhere!

So now I’m sipping cranberry tea (thanks, Linda), the only good tea there is, and eating toaster apple strudels while I glare outside at the evil snow.

I can’t believe there’s already five inches of it out there! Yuck.

I was supposed to take a math test today, but Mom says the roads are so bad that she doesn’t want to take the chance that we’ll be in an accident on the way there and I’ll be stranded in the cold while I’m extremely cold sensitive. I feel guilty for having to ask my teacher to move the due date of my test, but it’s just not worth the risk of trying to drive in to RCTC.

Wednesday and Thursday night I had my band concerts at RCTC. I think they went pretty well. There were a couple of glitches while we were playing (like a squeaky clarinet and euphoniums not coming in when they’re supposed to) and my director even forgot his music, but otherwise everything went smoothly. The concert band played first, so I stuck around Wednesday night to hear the rest of the concert. The jazz band was really good and the choir was fun to listen to also. The last group to perform was Aires, the show choir. They had some really cute numbers, like “Route 66” and “Gimme Some Lovin’.” To say the least, they were very energetic and they kind-a pulled the audience in with their enthusiasm. I’m hoping maybe I can join it next semester, but I don’t know because you’re supposed to audition at the start of the year to get in and I’m supposed to have surgery, I think, sometime during that semester.

After I performed at the concert Thursday night, Ben took me to my Peter Pan rehearsal. Like always, I had fun and got to goof around with the rest of the pirates. It looks like we get to sing a song during a scene change or something like that, so we were picking out a song and seeing who could sing or play various instruments. It looks like the one guy knows how to play mandolin and had found a bouzouki the other day and was thinking about buying it for the play. I told him I already had a bouzouki and could bring it in for him to try. Then they asked me to bring in some of my whistles and recorders, so we might have a full ensemble of pirates singing some sort of silly sea shanty. =D

Thursday I started my seventh round of chemo. They tried giving me some new-ish drugs. Instead of feeding me an anti-nausea medication through the IV, they gave it to me in pill form. It was supposed to make me less groggy, but it still made me really sleepy so I was asleep for most of my hospital stay. Also, instead of taking compazine or zofran to keep my stomach settled, I’m now taking kytril. It seems to be working rather well; I took it last night and I didn’t feel sick at all. So I’m taking that twice a day and my stomach remains happy, verses taking the other drugs and still feeling like crud.

It looks like in a few weeks I’m going to have CT-scans again and meet with Dr. Pitot and possibly my surgeon, Dr. Cima. They also scheduled me for a bone scan since I kept asking them about the state of the cancer in my hip and they weren’t telling me anything. I don’t know if I’ll actually have the bone scan, it all depends on what Dr. Pitot says, but I’ll definitely be having CT-scans and talking about the possibility of surgery in my future. I think I’ve said this before, but I’ll post it again: the goal of having surgery is to remove the very cancerous right lobe of my liver and the primary tumor in my intestine. The result of such surgery would be a temporary colostomy bag, yet a body with considerably less cancer, which means that when I resume chemotherapy after the surgery that the chemicals can concentrate on fewer spots of cancer with greater force, which is definitely a good thing.

Oh, I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, but I kept forgetting to do it. I want to thank Jaselyn, Corey, and especially Jack for the movie they made me. Jack, if you don’t know him, is a very talented individual that makes these totally awesome videos with stop-animation (at least, I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s called). He uses Lego pieces and makes hilarious short films out of them. Recently he’s been working on a mini-series of sorts involving two characters, Jack and Jordan, who continuously get themselves into trouble. Jack’s latest “Jack and Jordan” film was made for me as a birthday present. So here is a link to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhV81x2QBW8. You kind-of have to know Jack, Jordan, Jase, Corey and I to get all the humor, but it’s still really funny even if you don’t know all of us. I also recommend you checking out some of Jack’s other clips, like “Motorbike” and “History Crap.” The link to his main site is this: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=JackQ. Just browse around and watch what you please. Again, thanks Jack! You’re awesome!

Oh, I also want to thank my Aunt Lori and Uncle Jim for the teddy bear, care cards, and aromatherapy mineral bath. I think I may be making use of the bath salts some time in the next couple of days while I’m hooked up to the pump.

Well, I suppose I should go get ready for the day. I’m still lounging around in pajamas, but then again I’ll probably just bathe and change into sweatpants and a comfy shirt.

Talk to everyone later!

~Cheryl